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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL visiting

47 replies

kiwiquest · 12/03/2015 19:05

PIL live overseas and are separated. We have young baby and they understandably want to come and visit. MIL wants to come for 6 weeks from April. FIL is already booked to come over for 3 months from September then MIL wants to come back for Christmas probably for another 6 weeks
I like my PIL but feel overwhelmed at prospect of having house guests for so long. DH works away all week so it's just me and the baby a lot of the time which is hard without anyone else to look after. I know DH will only take a few days holiday here and there while they are here because he still wants us to have a family holiday at some point. Would I be unreasonable to say no to MIL Christmas visit?? Visiting them is unfortunately not feasible for us.

OP posts:

QTPie · 13/03/2015 09:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HazleNutt · 13/03/2015 09:05

3 months is not a visit, that's moving in!

dairyfreequeen · 13/03/2015 19:40

oh yeah, i forgot about airbnb, check that out. Plus, having guests is expensive too! I have to add that my in laws have only just got here and im already feeling ridiculously possessive over ds, that feeling might be worth bearing in mind!

Totality22 · 13/03/2015 20:01

So your husband thinks it's acceptable for his family to make such extended visits? Yet he is not there most of the time?

Have you even explained to him why this isn't going to work for you?

Purplepoodle · 13/03/2015 20:04

I love my parents but after a week visiting I start to feel stressed. Could u suggest they break up their visits by staying with other relatives too. At least mil is aiming for 6 wks fil 3 months is taking the mick.

Could u suggest she comes in jan/Feb instead or

DoJo · 13/03/2015 20:09

They both have other relatives they can visit for some of the time but majority of it would be spent with us.

No it won't - it will be spent with YOU! Your husband won't even be there!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2015 20:13

"Guests do not get to dictate when they are coming to you - your home is not a hotel operated solely for their convenience."

^^ This.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 13/03/2015 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 13/03/2015 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phoenixashes · 13/03/2015 20:51

No. YANBU.

They have in effect TOLD you not asked that they will in effect be staying with you for a total of six months. Yes. SIX MONTHS!

DH cannot obviously take six months off work. He could however tell them that they are to stay with other relatives for at least part of the time and be a more understanding of your needs. you need to be less accommodating and more Bolshevik as you will bare the brunt of their stay.

Phoenixashes · 13/03/2015 20:53

Bolshevik

Should read 'bolshey'

fannyfanakapan · 13/03/2015 21:05

I think if you have to accept them being around, you need to set them clear expectations -

you will not be driving them here, there and everywhere, so they will need to arrange transport during their visit.

There will be days when you will want to spend time without them, so they should be prepared to entertain themselves.

You cannot be "hostess" for 6 months with a young baby, and you expect them to pull their weight around the house. That includes housework, laundry, shopping and cooking.

Miranda79 · 13/03/2015 22:41

We have a young baby and our family are in Australia. We had my mum visit for 4 weeks, and then my inlaws for 6 weeks when DS was tiny. We are having a repeat of both visits in a few weeks time. We only have a tiny 2 bed house, so not a lot of room for 5 people and their stuff!
It can work, but everyone needs to be considerate and support you. You do not support/host them!
Your role is to feed, change and play with your baby.
Their role is to make cups of tea, wash nappies (if you're as daft as I am), shop for and prepare meals, keep the bathroom respectable and offer you a date night at least once a visit. If they manage all of this, they might be allowed to feed/change/play with the baby!
If you really aren't happy though, you need to say it is too long and they need to go away for a few weeks and give you some space. Good luck and enjoy your little one.

Mutley77 · 14/03/2015 01:24

No. No. We live far from both families (one is a bit nearer) and they seem to think they can expect us to visit them as well as visit us when they like. After an awful six weeks over Christmas with back to back guests for a month followed by moving house I have said no to visitors at Easter, which caused some emotional blackmail. We already have family visiting for a week in July then we are away visiting family and friends for a months in Sept so we need some time to ourselves for OUR FAMILY. Very very hard to say no (espeically when it's the inlaws not your parents) but you must.

butterfliesinmytummy · 14/03/2015 02:42

You have to nip this in the bud otherwise you will be setting a precedent and letting them know that this is acceptable. I live overseas and my df will book to see us for 4 or 5 weeks but then spend three weeks traveling round the region, taking budget flights, popping back every week or so. Works well enough. Put your foot down now.

Lamourestbleu · 14/03/2015 02:52

Way too long! My inlaws stay 15 days and by the 13th day we are ready to murder each other! We stay one week. That's the most I can endure!

Lamourestbleu · 14/03/2015 02:55

Forgot to add his family never Ever stays at hotels when visiting, it is looked at as a slap in the face. I've already told dh when ds grows up the tradition stops with us!!! I won't do that to ds and future dil!!

WerewolfBarMitzvah · 14/03/2015 04:31

Oh good God no.
I would have a full on meltdown over this arrangement and wouldn't even care.
Agree you need to nip this in the bud or you will be spending 6 months of every year with them.
I couldn't do that with my own family and I can tell them to bugger off!
I think you need to tell DH that it can't happen. In all seriousness, it could affect your relationship with PILs, and you don't want that.
Good luck OP. This is a tricky one.

londonrach · 14/03/2015 07:21

3 months!!!!

TinyTearsFirstLove · 14/03/2015 07:29

No way! You will never get that Tim back with your baby, especially if you're going back to work around Christmas.

If they really want to stay that long then I think a separate flat rents is a good compromise.

Having house guests is stressful because you feel like you have to consider them all the time. You need a bit of space and not feeling like you'll have to entertain someone all the time.

Maybe suggest to your DH that it's fine as long as his parents stay with him while he's working away all week and you see them at weekends and perhaps a few other days here and there. See how keen he is then. Completely unfair of him to expect you to host 24hrs/day 7 days a week when you will want to be bonding with your baby, going to baby groups etc

Doesn't matter who it is, I just wouldn't want to host that long. I let a friend stay at mine for 3 weeks once, she's not really a friend any more. More like an acquaintance....

butterfliesinmytummy · 14/03/2015 11:44

Oh yes and my dad used to spend the first 3 days in a hotel when he arrived as he was jet lagged and we had small noisy kids so at least he could sleep when he needed to.

Paintedpinksapphires · 14/03/2015 11:49

You cannot possibly have visitors for your whole maternity leave. That is deeply unreasonable.

Also 3 week visits max.

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