Help! I don't want to go visit my parents - Am I being unreasonable?

[StellaMarina]

Forgive me, this is going to be long one.

I was not born in this country but I have now lived here for almost 20 years. My husband is British and so are my children who were born and raised in England.

My parents were violent with me as a child. I have been beaten up as a small child and well into my teens. But the psychological violence was the worst. My mum has been always been passive-aggressive, and sometimes plainly aggressive, throwing things at me, always demanding perfection.

There was never space for me to be me. I was good at sports but never encouraged because an academic career was more important.

I obeyed.

I did get my degree, 'magna cum laude', then a masters and a doctorate. I am an authority in my chosen field.

I tried to kill myself when I was 23. I just wanted to escape life, which seemed to me an endless list of responsibilities, and duties and things I 'had to' do.

I had therapy, I left my home country and started again. It was not easy but I can see clearly that escaping was the only way to survive.

I have built a happy home in this country. My children are well adjusted and never pushed academically. I let them thrive their way, pokemon & warhammer and all these things that - certainly - are a waste of time career-wise but make them happy.

In the past decade I have been visiting my parents semi-regularly, hoping to put the past behind me now that I am an adult and have my own life but I feel very unhappy there. Every visit feels like a true chore.

There are practical reasons for which I do not like going to see them:

I dislike the village where my parents live which is very isolated (that's where we moved to when I was 12). My parents do not like 'modern life' - they never did - we did not have a TV until I was in my teens - and of course there is no computer or internet and it is a bit of a tall order to transfer my teen children from the technological South East of England from a place in he middle of nowhere where transport is non-existent and there is nothing for them to do.

So it's not a holiday - it's hard work! They almost ignore my children because of the 'language problem' and there are arguments an constant bickering between the two of them (that's how my parents relate).

My husband and I both work full time and we have relatively little time for holidays and when we can we much prefer to go on a 'real' holiday when the kids and us can interact, do fun things together like going kayaking or exploring new cities, and even have big lively discussions that make us grow as a family!!

I have not spoken with my mum on the phone for a long time now, except Christmas for very small talk exchange.

Basically I have no contact with my parents because the wounds from my past are still open, it is not possible to speak to them in a calm manner about anything and wherever I go see them the dynamics of my teens are relived again.

I do not know what to do. My mum sends some small amount of money for the kids' birthdays through me, which I hate. I have asked her not to do so because I know it's a kind of weapon she uses to make me feel guilty.

Just recently she has texted me asking for us to come visit them - they do not travel because, her words, 'they are scared of travelling at their age (they are in their early 70s) - and when I have replied that it is 4 of us and we have school and many committments she has replied curtly and passively-aggressively.

I feel really awful today. I am supposed to do fill up a project schedule but I just feel like crying all day.

Am i being unreasonable in wanting to live my own life without moral blackmailing from my mother?

You clearly do not benefit in anyway from your parents. My advice would be to keep contact to a minimum - calls on birthdays, the odd skype or text - just purely as 'it's easier', but go about living the wonderful day to day life you've created with your husband and children.

Dont go. Despite your abusive childhood you have managed to seek out and maintain a happy life for you and your family. I dont see anything gained from going.

YANBU. You have no obligation at all to have a relationship with these people and, from what you've said, they certainly do not deserve it. Do what is best for your family.

I have to say also, I have a friend who has a very good job at Games Workshop designing warhammer. What may look like a waste of time could actually be the foundations of a career!

I'd also add that the 'pain and stress' of any visit isn't just for the time you're with your parents, it'll be for a while before and after too. And for what? Trying to keep someone happy that doesn't try to keep you happy I'm sorry these are your parents though.

Thank you for your quick and kind replies and your support googietheegg & CrystalCove.

Absolutely Humbert! But also if it wasn't I want to allow my children to 'waste time' - which is something I was never allowed to do!

Now I am so 'result-driven' it's a nightmare to be me sometimes!!

I second don't go. Keep contact to a minimum, if they keep insisting I would be inclined to say that you don't want to go because of the way they have treated you.

I had abusive parents, pretty much exactly how you described. Life has been far happier since I went non-contact. Like a weight off my shoulders. I will always carry the scars, but I'm free to deal with it in my own way now. You are allowed to be happy, you don't owe them anything.

At your age your relationship with your parents should be one of mutual respect, tolerance of differences and enjoyment in each others company. You have non of these things with your parents, and seemingly no hope for any change in the future. Therefore I think that to protect your very precious happiness and health you should not visit for the foreseeable future.

Do you think that you would be able to tell them why you no longer go, if they ask?

ha cunningcat! I have said so many times and the replies have been:

1. 'All parents did that' (slaps on the face and kicks and once - aged 15 - I had to go to the hospital with blood in one eye after a punch from my father). 'Times were different then'

2. 'You really deserved it and asked for it'

3. 'You weren't that bright, you needed discipline. If we had not been serious with you, you would not have gone anywhere. You were always laughing'.

Stella, I almost feel like I could have written your OP! My parents were not physically abusive but I relate to so much of what you write - never allowed to be yourself, spending time in therapy, now living in another country and so much happier for it, minimal contact with parents but still huge amounts of guilt, parents sending money as gifts which feel like they come with huge strings attached, parents never visiting you but expecting you to drop everything to go visit them.

First things first - no, you are not unreasonable in any way to not want to see your parents. They sound vile in every way. You do not have to put up with their horrible abusive crap just because they are your parents.

It's so hard to shake the guilt, and the shame, and the feeling that you 'owe them' something. Its' really really tough and incredibly painful. I would recommend re-starting therapy - I've been in therapy for nearly 6 years now and it's changed me, and my life, so much for the better. It still sounds like you're struggling terribly with guilt (understandably) and obviously therapy would help you to work through that and to become stronger.

So in a nutshell - no, don't go. Spend your precious holiday time doing something that would feel like a holiday - something that would be fun and relaxing for you and the rest of the family.

Something that has often helped me - what would you say to a dear friend who was in your situation?

Thank you workhouse, you are so right to say how things 'should ' - I see how they are with my own children and it really pains me that things are not like that with my parents. I have explored this in therapy quite a lot and I feel really powerless because the relationship seems to work well only if I behave according to the script they have set for me.

This thread is being incredibly useful and supportive so thank you all again.

Oh Stella, how awful. The reply to their replies is 'I disagree and I'm still not coming now fuck off to visit.' I think you would benefit from being non-contact with your parents.

"You were always laughing"

That's made me sad, I hope that your life now is filled with laughter.

'Do you think that you would be able to tell them why you no longer go, if they ask?' - one of the things I hope to achieve with this soul-searching thread is to try to wrtie up a calm and balanced response to my mother's passive-aggressive exploit! :D

Stella - you've really got your work cut out there. Ever considered NC, I for one would completely understand if you did

Sorry, couple more things:

Their responses are typical of abusive people - deny, minimise, laugh it off, excuses one after the other. I feel sick on your behalf reading what they said to you. These people have no respect for you at all and will not change. Can you even imagine physically hurting one of your children and then telling them they deserved it?

Re the money gifts for your children - it is entirely your mother's own choice to send these. You have not asked her to do so. If she sends you money, take it with thanks and spend it on something good and positive and healthy. Turn the guilt trip into something good

You sound like a really great mum who is working very hard to make sure her children grow up feeling loved and important. Be proud of that every single day.

'You weren't that bright, you needed discipline. If we had not been serious with you, you would not have gone anywhere. You were always laughing'

I think that is one of the saddest things I have ever read on Mumsnet. How could any parent punish their child for being happy .

Absolutely don't go. I am always in favour of maintaining relationships as far as possible but this a step too far. You owe them nothing, and I hope you do have manage to have a lovely holiday with your DH and DCs instead .

Workhouse - YES!! (most of the time, I just had huge emotional meltdown this morning, though!).

Lottapianos, thank you so much, everything you said in your post rings so familiar! Do you have contact with your parents now?

I don't think you have any duty whatsoever to keep in contact with people who beat you as a small child. None at all.

YANBU

I have been NC with my mum for 2 years now and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I had a horrible childhood and dreaded spending time with her / telephoning her as an adult - enough was enough one day and I just decided I didn't need her selfishness and negativity in my life any longer. She still sends my DCs money for birthdays and Christmas - i put it in their savings accounts - she chooses to send it (thinks it makes her look like the caring grandmother she isn't).

Good luck with whatever route you take but I would concentrate on the lovely life and family you have made yourself x

Stella, I've been steadily reducing contact with them over the past 2-3 years. I would say I'm very low contact now - no phonecalls ever, I see them about once a year, they text me about every 3-4 weeks, I always reply but keep it light and chatty and tell them nothing about my life. I spent the last 2 years very deep in grief for the relationship I thought I had with them - it was awful but it actually set me free. I still feel some guilt but its more of a background noise, rather than the intense pressure I used to feel.

My mum did not like laughter. She had a Latin saying for this: 'Risus abundat in ore stoltorum ' - 'There is a lot of laughter in the mouth of stupid people'. I heard that a lot.

She did not like to be touched and she wasn't fond of hugs, either.

My father was worse. If both my sister and I got larger than size 10 he would endlessly tease us for 'being fat' - my sister has been anorexic for years and now is a small size 6 - she has huge food issues - and I am an 8 and feel a bit of a lump (ridiculous I know!) and am ok with food - I tend to put weight on when unhappy. In a way eating and getting larger was my rebellion.

I am learning to be me and that I am slim because I am healthier that way not because it's imposed from above.

My self esteem is actually ok. I like myself. Maybe I was born with a huge resilience, inner strength but I always knew that there was going to be a happy ending for me.

I do not know how to go about this - I have been reading and re-reading this and other threads. There seems to be an imposed taboo on our society on not liking your parents but i am reading of many people in situations similar to mine on this website.

I wonder if the best thing to do would be to write a letter and close contact or just keep contact to a minimum.

I am thinking of things like my mum dying and going to the funeral and my father beating me up and accusing me that my behaviour killed my mother. That sort of emotional blackmailing has always been present in the family.

Sorry this is so disjointed, I am upset so cannot think in a very coherent manner.

"I always reply but keep it light and chatty and tell them nothing about my life." - yes - I recognise this fully.

Thank you Lottapianos and all.

My mother is a heavy smoker and had cancer a few years back. That year (my children were 6 and 2) I flew to the other side of Europe 5 times in six months, leaving my family (once I took my six year old with me). I phoned my mother every day. Two years ago my husband and I had some problems and asked my mum to leave me in peace for a little while as her phone calls were full of anxiety and 'how is it going at couple counselling??' so i asked her to stop calling ofr a while and she went on a strop. We haven't really spoken since. My problems with my husband have since then resolved but I feel that with my parents I am the circus pony that needs to parade, jump loops and perform and that all the support must come from me but that no support comes from them.

Oh, and I need to be eternally grateful because 'they sent me to university' - which I attended on a full scholarship and my parents supported me with the equivalent of £10 per month.