Forgive me, this is going to be long one.
I was not born in this country but I have now lived here for almost 20 years. My husband is British and so are my children who were born and raised in England.
My parents were violent with me as a child. I have been beaten up as a small child and well into my teens. But the psychological violence was the worst. My mum has been always been passive-aggressive, and sometimes plainly aggressive, throwing things at me, always demanding perfection.
There was never space for me to be me. I was good at sports but never encouraged because an academic career was more important.
I obeyed.
I did get my degree, 'magna cum laude', then a masters and a doctorate. I am an authority in my chosen field.
I tried to kill myself when I was 23. I just wanted to escape life, which seemed to me an endless list of responsibilities, and duties and things I 'had to' do.
I had therapy, I left my home country and started again. It was not easy but I can see clearly that escaping was the only way to survive.
I have built a happy home in this country. My children are well adjusted and never pushed academically. I let them thrive their way, pokemon & warhammer and all these things that - certainly - are a waste of time career-wise but make them happy.
In the past decade I have been visiting my parents semi-regularly, hoping to put the past behind me now that I am an adult and have my own life but I feel very unhappy there. Every visit feels like a true chore.
There are practical reasons for which I do not like going to see them:
I dislike the village where my parents live which is very isolated (that's where we moved to when I was 12). My parents do not like 'modern life' - they never did - we did not have a TV until I was in my teens - and of course there is no computer or internet and it is a bit of a tall order to transfer my teen children from the technological South East of England from a place in he middle of nowhere where transport is non-existent and there is nothing for them to do.
So it's not a holiday - it's hard work! They almost ignore my children because of the 'language problem' and there are arguments an constant bickering between the two of them (that's how my parents relate).
My husband and I both work full time and we have relatively little time for holidays and when we can we much prefer to go on a 'real' holiday when the kids and us can interact, do fun things together like going kayaking or exploring new cities, and even have big lively discussions that make us grow as a family!!
I have not spoken with my mum on the phone for a long time now, except Christmas for very small talk exchange.
Basically I have no contact with my parents because the wounds from my past are still open, it is not possible to speak to them in a calm manner about anything and wherever I go see them the dynamics of my teens are relived again.
I do not know what to do. My mum sends some small amount of money for the kids' birthdays through me, which I hate. I have asked her not to do so because I know it's a kind of weapon she uses to make me feel guilty.
Just recently she has texted me asking for us to come visit them - they do not travel because, her words, 'they are scared of travelling at their age (they are in their early 70s) - and when I have replied that it is 4 of us and we have school and many committments she has replied curtly and passively-aggressively.
I feel really awful today. I am supposed to do fill up a project schedule but I just feel like crying all day.
Am i being unreasonable in wanting to live my own life without moral blackmailing from my mother?