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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding AIBU - am I bridezilla?

35 replies

Chipsahoythere · 12/03/2015 07:05

Have been accused of being bridezilla and being unfair.
Having a smallish wedding. No B list guests so it's made it tricky with the guest list.

I have a group of about 6 Uni friends that were on my course. I'm inviting them all. In that friendship group, there are two extra women who were not on my course but who lived with some of the blokes in student accommodation. I was never particularly close to them and have seen them only a couple of times since I left university, although the rest of them do regularly socialise.

I've invited the 6 people I was on a Uni course with AND 1 of the other two women, because she is now engaged to one of the men. I wouldn't be inviting her if they weren't together, she is his plus one iyswim.

I'm not inviting the other because I don't really know her and have not seen her for over a year.

Have had a few messages this evening saying I'm being unfair... Am I? I don't like to leave one person out but at the same time because of costs I haven't invited any cousins, any colleagues etc etc.

AIBU

OP posts:
justaweeone · 12/03/2015 07:08

No your not. Anyway it's your wedding.

londonrach · 12/03/2015 07:09

No your not

LindyHemming · 12/03/2015 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WipsGlitter · 12/03/2015 07:10

It does sound a bit mean as she's the only one left out. But if the others are that bothered could one of them not bring her as their plus one? Assuming they all got plus one invites.

Shakirasma · 12/03/2015 07:11

I assume the messages are from the uni friends you have invited? They clearly see her as part of the established group so it probably looks very mean to exclude just her.

I would invite her tbh, it clearly matters to them and I wouldn't want to jepodize my relationship with them over this.

SusanIvanova · 12/03/2015 07:12

YANBU. It's your wedding, your rules. There's no way you're a bridezilla for this. TBH I'm being this ruthless with relatives not just friends because otherwise it would be a terribly expensive chaos.

ScottishDiblet · 12/03/2015 07:12

I don't think yabu. I think your friends are being maniacs to think it's ok to try to cajole you about your guest list when you have sent out invites. I'm guessing they haven't planned their own weddings yet? They will get it in a few years!

ShiftyFades · 12/03/2015 07:13

I'm not sure I would invite uni friends over family - unless the number of cousins far outweigh uni friends and you see uni friends on a regular basis.

IME uni friends rarely last once everyone has moved on into work, marriage etc.

Invite who you want, those that add something to your life. Don't be pressured into anything.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2015 07:15

On the face of it, it does sound mean to leave just her out but the other is invited as a plus one, not a specific guest (if that makes sense!) it's an odd scenario.

I don't the it ink you are being a bridezilla, and I think that word is well overused on MN, but I'm not sure how this will affect your friendship group going forward.

Original poster
Chipsahoythere · 12/03/2015 07:16

I understand that it looks like I'm missing just one person out but I didn't consider it that way at all. I just invited my friends and then one person's fiancée. It wasn't even until one of them messaged me that I realised I had left this one person off.
If I invited her I would have to ask one of them for her number as I don't have that- isn't that ridiculous?! On the other hand it's horrible to be the one person not invited....

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 12/03/2015 07:18

Seems as if one is singled out not to come. If you've already invited 6 uni friends then it does seems a bit mean.

Aridane · 12/03/2015 07:23

I does seem a bit mean / pointed -and I can understand the reaction. However, at the time you sent out the invites, with the reasoning you have outlined, I don't thin YWBU.

desertmum · 12/03/2015 07:24

yanbu but they are to think they can tell you who to invite to your wedding. The fact you don't have any contact details for her speaks volumes. Ignore them and have a great wedding.

claraagain · 12/03/2015 07:25

Cant one of them bring her as a plus 1? Are they all in a relationship?

Only1scoop · 12/03/2015 07:27

Clara good idea ....if they are so upset by it is there not a single amongst who could sort it?

Vycount · 12/03/2015 07:27

No, I think you're right. I'd be inclined to reply along the lines of "Iit sounds as if some of you regularly socialise with x as part of a group. The thing is, I don't, I hardly know her and it didn't occur to me to invite her for that reason. Our budget is tight and I've prioritised close friends over relatives, which is why you are invited, I consider you to be a good friend."
If anyone pushes beyond that they're not really being a great friend to you are they? It's almost as if they are treating your wedding as another night out for the gang, with you subsidising that.
I'd stick to my guns in your shoes, anyone with any sense knows that there has to be a cut-off on any invite list.

Original poster
Chipsahoythere · 12/03/2015 07:28

They're all in relationships.

I feel really bad about it now but I'm just not sure I can add even one more to my friends. Groom has about half as many guests as me Blush

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 12/03/2015 07:31

What SoupDragon said - you haven't invited the one that's coming, her fiancé is bringing her as a plus one.

I wouldn't invite her just because she's friends with the others and if you did you'd be opening yourself up to being pressured into inviting other people. And are you supposed to give her a plus one invite to so you end up with two other people at the wedding? If I was this person I would be horrified that the others are doing this.

I would send them all a message saying you only have space for the 6 of them and their plus ones but they are welcome to bring her as a plus one.

Agent160 · 12/03/2015 07:34

I just invited my friends and then one person's fiancée.

So, excluding the friend who is engaged to this other person, have you just invited your uni friends and not given them a plus one? If that's the case you haven't just invited this other person because they are your friend's plus one, otherwise all the others would have a plus one as well.

In which case, it does look like you've invited everyone except this one person.

Vycount · 12/03/2015 07:35

I think people who are saying that you are being mean are overlooking something. These people are obviously part of their own little "gang" who regularly socialise together. But you aren't. You could argue that they are leaving you out because they regularly socialise together, but of course they aren't, you're just not part of that group.
Weddings aren't an excuse for your mates to bring their mates along to party. They are expensive events and the idea is that you invite people who mean something to you.

Agent160 · 12/03/2015 07:37

Oops posted too soon! If you have given the others a plus one then surely it's obvious she's coming as a plus one, not a 'friend' (sorry that's not very well phrased!!) and YANBU.

MissDuke · 12/03/2015 07:40

YANBU and certainly not a bridezilla!!! I wouldn't invite her if I were you, it would annoy me too much having someone so distant there when you would have preferred to have had cousins there.

ZenNudist · 12/03/2015 07:43

Yanbu. Don't cave to pressure. She will just feel aware she's an add on guest anyway. If asked say it's not a uni reunion, it's your wedding to which they are invited to as your friends. There are budget considerations .

My uni friends are friends for life. I invited the extended group to my wedding but I don't have everyone's phone numbers but I do have a group email. I didn't invite add ons to the extended group, there's always someone who knows someone else, you've got to draw a line somewhere.

MadamG · 12/03/2015 07:47

I think you have good reasons for doing what you did, therefore not being unreasonable. The key to getting out if this situation is messaging. Explain it clearly to all your friends in a short but open way (short = easy to remember and clear, open = not defensive no hidden issue). Explain separately to the person not invited (they will need a different message). You'll be fine just communicate the same short message. It may need repeating more than once and if you do need to repeats, don't elaborate, expand or change it. Hold your ground.

MadamG · 12/03/2015 07:50

Oh and FWIW I was invited to a wedding of a B and G I barely know. I wa invited as part of a wider group of uni friends. I went to see my mates not because it was a wedding. It was odd for me to be honest. I wish I hadn't gone as I didn't know them or their families and they didn't know me at all (5 years on from uni).

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