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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to travel two hours each way for a dress fitting?

32 replies

Niamhisnotarealname · 11/03/2015 20:35

Bride is getting her bridesmaids dresses done for free by her relative as a wedding gift.
But to be quite honest I do not want to travel two hours each way for an hours fitting. I also get travel anxiety which basically makes me need the loo constantly (or at least panic that I do) and its a whole weekend day spent away from my family, which as I work full time, is precious.
I know I'm going to have to go, I kind of became her only adult bridesmaid by default somehow and I do love and care about her but I just don't want to go :/ AIBU?

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 11/03/2015 20:37

YABU

MissMuesli · 11/03/2015 20:38

What time is the fitting? Can you go with your family and turn it into a family day trip exploring somewhere new? YANBU for not wanting to go though, sounds like abit of a pita for you!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/03/2015 20:38

That's a tricky one, it's a long way. Is there any way you could make it a family outing to the area where they live, then you just have the hour there and spend the rest of the time (maybe a night away) as family time? Would it help your anxiety if you didn't have to travel alone? Or is there any chance of them meeting you half way?

twirlypoo · 11/03/2015 20:39

It's a one-off, and it's not that long. Think this is one of those suck it up situations.

Chchchchanging · 11/03/2015 20:40

I think yabu
Bm is either something you do or don't want to do
If you do then you need to find away to make it work-2 hours really isn't far
If you get anxious and require loo can you use train where facilities are available or drive and travel at own pace?

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 11/03/2015 20:43

The anxiety is worse when I'm with people mainly because I don't feel like I can just ask my friends to stop quickly if I feel that I need the loo. My friend is not aware I feel this way about traveling. We will be going in her car I think.
I have considered making it a family thing, but we cant afford a night away or the petrol really :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 11/03/2015 20:45

Oh, I don't drive myself unfortunately changing

OP posts:
RattieofCatan · 11/03/2015 20:47

YANBU for feeling like you don't want to go, I totally understand your predicament (I also panic with travelling thanks to bladder issues! It used to be horrendous) but I think that you do need to go.

What would the travel method be? Can you plan stops frequently? Is the bride aware of your issues and if not, can you tell her?
I travel 3hr stints often (from where I live to family) and I know every loo stop on the way, I finally have it under control and can get away with stopping twice but there used to be a time when I had to stop at least three times, usually more.

RattieofCatan · 11/03/2015 20:50

X-post. You need to talk to your friend and explain the situation. I can drive and tend to refuse to travel with other people because of the embarrassment of telling them, but you need to in this situation if you can't drive yourself, especially if you panic.

Do you have a radar key? It might be worth getting one, I found carrying that alone helped to stave off panic attacks. I also have portable johns in my car and DPs but that may not be an option with friends around!

ladymariner · 11/03/2015 22:11

YABU, but if it's truly getting to you like this then you will have to tell her you can't do it and bow out of being a bridesmaid. Be prepared for her to be upset though, she's not a mind reader and you haven't told her how you are feeling.....

DirtyDancing · 11/03/2015 22:18

Yabvu

plantsitter · 11/03/2015 22:26

Can't you go on the train? Sorry, but agreeing to be a bridesmaid means travelling to dress fittings really.

Amy106 · 11/03/2015 22:50

Can they send the dress to you and you can find a dressmaker in your area willing to fit the dress to you? You would have to pay him/her of course but at least this will lower your stress level because you will not have to travel.

BackforGood · 11/03/2015 23:17

YABVU

I at least assumed that she was expecting you to make your own way there, and was going to say YABU, but since you've said she's going to drive you herself.......

How do you expect to be a bridesmaid without having a dress fitting? Confused

Advicewouldbehelpful · 11/03/2015 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 11/03/2015 23:47

You're not being unreasonable not to want to go, but you would be unreasonable not to go, I think. I suffer from anxiety too, so I totally understand how suffocating it can feel when it gets in on you. Believe me, I understand. When I was my sister's bridesmaid, I was working nights, including every Fri and Sat. Fittings were all on a Saturday, which was fair enough as everyone else worked Mon to Fri. Dress fittings were in a different city to where I worked, with no direct bus between the two. I came off shift at 8am, first bus wasn't until 9. I had an hour wait for the bus, half hour to connecting town, half hour wait for next bus to city, hour on bus, walk to train, 20 mins on train to suburb where dressmaker was. Hour at fitting then train and bus home, quick shower, change and food before bussing it back to work. So did a 12 hour shift Friday night, full say of dress fitting and travel on Sat, then back in for another 12 hour shift. Was hellish! We had 6 dress fittings in total. It's just what you sign on for when you agree to be a bridesmaid though, I think.

thatsucks · 11/03/2015 23:53

YABU and precious

TheRealMaryMillington · 11/03/2015 23:57

It is a total pain in the arse, but you'll have to do it

Tobyjugg · 12/03/2015 00:58

Totally U. If you feel like that, then stand down as a bridesmaid.

Iwasbornin1993 · 12/03/2015 03:06

Sorry I think YABU. I do sympathise with you though but I think it's just something you should accept as part of agreeing to be her BM. I'd definitely tell her of your issues with travelling, or if you really feel like you can't, then just ask to stop whenever you need to on the day. I doubt she would even think anything of it, especially if you threw in a "I must of had a lot to drink this morning" sort of jokey comment!

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 12/03/2015 06:13

No bridezilla drip feeds coming that sucks sorry!
Yes, I do know I will have to go. Thank you for being understanding about my anxiety though, I do so wish I could travel without all this additional stress. Its bad enough when I'm traveling with my Husband and he knows all about it! I'm going to have to bite the bullet and tell her. :/ it makes me feel so stupid. Like I really should have a handle on this.

OP posts:
TENDTOprocrastinate · 12/03/2015 06:34

Yanbu. I know exactly how you feel. I have travel anxiety (I thought it was just me!)
Could you possibly tell you friend about it and ask if the dressmaker could come to you both? (I'm assuming you live near your friend?) you could offer to pay the dressmakers travel fees/costs etc

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 12/03/2015 16:11

She came here for the first session measuring up ect. I am just going to have to deal with it I think. It doesn't help that my friend is very much a call me the morning of the trip person rather than making solid plans and if you do make plans she is usually very late/early! I have text her today to try and work out some kind of plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 12/03/2015 16:12

I need preparation time in the morning, otherwise Il be getting up at 4am just so that I know i have enough time to get ready, eat and use the loo lots of times :/

OP posts:
Heebiejeebie · 13/03/2015 07:52

please talk to your gp about this - cbt might be transformative.

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