Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents meeting before the wedding?

47 replies

Antonia87 · 10/03/2015 16:08

My in laws, who are lovely people ,have asked to meet my parents before my DP and I get married in the Autumn. A perfectly reasonable request if you come from normal family but my father is a nightmare. He is a lovely man but suffers from Aspergers . He would feel every intimidated around DP's family as they are all supreme intellectuals and my father isn't. When my father is in uncomfortable situations he usually acts out, badly! He can make racist , sexist and homophobic remarks as he thinks its amusing and he also does not understand the recipricol nature of conversation . DP's parents are sensitive types who rarely mix with people outside of their own intellectual milieu and I know they would judge my father harshly. Also, the meeting would cause my mother great distress as she finds my father very difficult when in company. I have told DP's parents that its not appropriate for them to meet right now due to private family issues but they are still pushing. Any advice? Is it strange for parents not to meet before the wedding?

OP posts:
LizardBreath · 10/03/2015 16:13

I don't have any advice but am also in same position! Live with fiancé, 100miles from each set of parents (who live in opposite directions), so their paths have never crossed. My parents have never been to our house as they don't drive (also conplicates things). Sets of parents VERY different fiancés are traditional middle class, mine are chain smoking working class.

My friends think it's odd they haven't met, but they all live locally to at least one set of their own parents which makes it a bit easier. All couples that I know who are due to get married but dont live locally to either parent set, have also not had parent meet up so that makes me feel slightly better!

YvetteChauvire · 10/03/2015 16:15

OP, tell them (the in-laws) the truth?

Andcake · 10/03/2015 16:15

I think it is important for them to meet before the wedding but understand your concerns. Can you do just the mums perhaps or find a way to do a larger gathering where one of your family can keep your dad monopolized so he only has to do a brief hello.

angelos02 · 10/03/2015 16:16

Mine met for the first time at the wedding. For no other reason than it just hadn't happened earlier. made no odds.

PercyGherkin · 10/03/2015 16:17

Given the circs you describe - do you want this to happen at your wedding? I'd have thought it was better you get the awkwardness out of the way beforehand rather than stressing about it on the day, unless you are certain you can somehow stop them meeting on the day (separate tables etc at the reception). How does your mother think it will play out?

(If your in laws are such intellectuals surely they can cope with being told someone has Aspergers and NOT judge them harshly by their behaviour.)

PercyGherkin · 10/03/2015 16:19

(For what it's worth my DM thought it important the parents meet when we were students dating and invited them to dinner. I can promise you it's toe-curlingly awkward whether your family are "normal" or not )

sparkysparkysparky · 10/03/2015 16:20

I'd have a confidential chat with your in laws to be. They might surprise you with their understanding.
My widowed Mum who is normally so well behaved had a bit too much to drink with nerves before she met my in laws. Her first words were an uncharitable remark that must have come into her mind about in laws physical size and the groom-to-be's size. My in laws were very relaxed and understanding about it. I still cringe of course.

vulgarwretch · 10/03/2015 16:20

I would think it was a little strange for the parents of the bride and groom not to meet before the wedding, unless they live a long way apart.

Do your in-laws know about that your father has Asperger's? I think you would need to manage their expectations in advance, although I have to admit I'd find it hard not to judge someone who made racist or homophobic remarks. However uncomfortable it might be, surely it would be better than having their first meeting on your wedding day, which presumably is going to be quite challenging for your father anyway? How about doing some kind of activity together, instead of meeting for a meal - art gallery or country fair or something?

MaxPepsi · 10/03/2015 16:23

Surely it would be better they meet before the wedding if your dad has difficulties?

I'd be honest and tell your in laws that your dad has health problems that make socialising difficult. If they are nice people they should be able to deal with any meeting without making your parents feel uncomfortable.

TheListingAttic · 10/03/2015 16:25

Can't you just explain: "My dad has Aspergers, finds social situations difficult, and makes inappropriate remarks to try and make up for it. My mum finds this really awkward and I think it would stress them out and not be much fun for anyone. " That would be a lot clearer than the obfuscation you've offered. They'll have to meet at some point and the explanation of the situation you've given here is clear enough to help them manage that a bit better. Just explain - and good luck!

VeryAgedParent · 10/03/2015 16:25

Can you arrange a small pre-wedding gathering with more guests that just your respective parents, very casual with perhaps a small informal buffet and drinks, some relatives and friends perhaps so the "meeting" is more informal and not too concentrated and there are others there to to "diffuse" any awkward or difficult situations

(My Mum and Dad did not meet my in laws before the wedding as they didn't like or approve of me and were not attending the wedding!)

LittleBairn · 10/03/2015 16:26

Your inlaws don't sound as nice as you think if they are still pressuring you about meeting despite being told now is not a good time.
I would tell them the truth, if they are so superior in their intelligence they should understand despite their sheltered life.

Original poster
Antonia87 · 10/03/2015 16:29

I have spoken to my mum who thinks meeting would be a dreadful idea. The wedding will be quite big with lots of my dads family to look after him so i think the likelihood of any prolonged conversation on the day to be unlikely. I wouldn't mind them meeting my mum but I think they would be shocked and offended by my father. At the wedding my father is most likely to ignore them other than a quick hello.

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 10/03/2015 16:30

Mine only met once before the wedding - poles apart in financial status. They only met once after the wedding as well.

I would think they should meet before as your father is going to find your wedding day quite overwhelming, I expect.

skankingpiglet · 10/03/2015 16:36

I think you just need to brief the inlaws before meeting. Whether you choose for them all to meet before the wedding or not is up to you, but they will meet at the wedding so the meeting will happen eventually. Maybe best not for the first time on the Big Day? If you meet in advance (maybe a couple of times?), would your DF be able to become more comfortable around PIL?
I have a very difficult DF too who enjoys nothing more than a good ole racist joke to break the ice followed by a skin full to loosen him up. This is made worse in our circumstances (not that it is acceptable in any circumstances) as my family is white and my DH's is black Confused. My ILs met my DM and DSF before hand and all got on well (as they are all normal, well-adjusted human beings). We briefed on DF so they knew, and I have to say he didn't disappoint. He was rude, obnoxious and aggressive Sad Thankfully the IL are really polite and managed it well but it helped they knew in advance what may happen.

sparkysparkysparky · 10/03/2015 16:50

What are you doing about the Father of the Bride speech?
It's clear your Mum is dead against a meet up because she anticipates a tricky situation - you'll be able to support her on a pre wedding meet up but not on the day.
I'm not sure it's realistic that he can be "managed" all day by his family. There's photos, glad handing, all sorts of stuff. I'd get the in laws on side. DH -to -be ' s side of the guest list will follow their lead.

Original poster
Antonia87 · 10/03/2015 17:03

Sparky- No, dad is not doing a speech as would be too awful to contemplate. He will do a reading at the church instead.

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 10/03/2015 17:10

Fair enough. I'm sorry you have this awkward situation. I still suggest a chat with your in laws.
You will have a wonderful day and any hiccups here and there, be they social or logistical, are just that : hiccups. Best wishes Thanks

skinoncustard · 10/03/2015 17:24

Surely if your dad finds it difficult to meet new people it's more important than ever that he meets as many people as possible before the wedding.

jay55 · 10/03/2015 17:50

Could they just meet your mum, or just have the mums meet with you for some pre wedding task or other?

firesidechat · 10/03/2015 18:06

I don't think it is really necessary for them to meet before the wedding. My parents and my husband's mum have never met and we have been married for 30 years.

My dad also didn't do a speech because he would have found it impossibly difficult and it was by far the kindest thing to do.

We did meet my daughter's inlaws before the wedding, but it was more incidental than planned.

Do whatever you think best and stuff convention.

TwoOddSocks · 10/03/2015 18:13

I would also tell them the truth. Surely if they're genuinely intellectual they should be able to understand that your father struggles socially and would find a meeting too stressful.

Tizwailor · 10/03/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/03/2015 18:16

Just be honest. It's the only way out of this.

Pixa · 10/03/2015 18:23

Sort of the same situation here!

I got married last year, but as soon as we got engaged we made plans for our families to meet. My younger brother has Aspergers. We explained this to my in-always, and when they met, they got on really well. We have a family tea together every three months and the bond my brother has with my in-laws is really good.

We only had our absolute immediate family at the wedding, but it meant my brother was able to give me away, give a reading and give a speech at the wedding breakfast because he was completely comfortable and had met everyone numerous times prior to the wedding.