Parents meeting before the wedding?

[Antonia87]

My in laws, who are lovely people ,have asked to meet my parents before my DP and I get married in the Autumn. A perfectly reasonable request if you come from normal family but my father is a nightmare. He is a lovely man but suffers from Aspergers . He would feel every intimidated around DP's family as they are all supreme intellectuals and my father isn't. When my father is in uncomfortable situations he usually acts out, badly! He can make racist , sexist and homophobic remarks as he thinks its amusing and he also does not understand the recipricol nature of conversation . DP's parents are sensitive types who rarely mix with people outside of their own intellectual milieu and I know they would judge my father harshly. Also, the meeting would cause my mother great distress as she finds my father very difficult when in company. I have told DP's parents that its not appropriate for them to meet right now due to private family issues but they are still pushing. Any advice? Is it strange for parents not to meet before the wedding?

Oh and I agree with others, tell the inlaws the truth. I hope they wouldn't judge your father for having a genuine problem.

I am however interested in how having Aspergers would make him racist, sexist and homophobic. I only know a handful of people with this condition and they don't do this. I'm not being snarky, just interested.

I think its really sad people are using financial status as a reason for people being poles apart and unable to meet. .

Anyway op, is there anyway they can just meet your mum if she wants too? Otherwise yes be honest, if your in laws are able to take this, I say this because I was semi honest with mine, thinking they were accepting lovely people nad it came back to bite me

I am however interested in how having Aspergers would make him racist, sexist and homophobic

I was thinking this too, quite a trilogy there. You poor thing

Our parents live a long way from each other, and at the time of our wedding were very different people (even more so now). We arranged a lunch for the two sets and us, to be combined with being measured for suits.
Not too long, carefully managed, it was fine. My dad who is very anxious would have been a wreck at the wedding if he hadn't met them at all.

I would think it was a little strange for the parents of the bride and groom not to meet before the wedding, unless they live a long way apart

I think it's odd too, my PILS refused to meet my DPs until at the church.
I would just be honest with your PILs.

My parents drove an 11 hour round trip to meet my PIL before the wedding, DH and I flew in from another country. FIL didn't bother showing up at the restaurant for lunch and didn't bother phoning DH to explain - sent a pitiful excuse with MIL that his knee was sore.

Turns out it bode well for the wedding: PIL left the day after without even seeing us or contacting us in any way. No wedding gift, no card, nothing. sad]

If my DD had set a date I would have thought she had written this!
I know she and her partner are dreading his parents meeting DH and I. DDs future MIL wants to meet us but distance and my DHs health has so far prevented it. Apparently I'm not a liability but DH is another one who thinks he is being amusing to make inappropriate comments and jokes.
He doesn't 'get' social cues either so a 'hello ...., how are you?' results in an no holds barred description of his health and continence issues.
I have to remind him that 'how are you?' is a general 'How do you do' type comment and 'not bad thank you' is all they want to hear!

He is socially awkward but I don't think Aspergers is the reason but he does have traits though. Interestingly though DS1 is Aspergers.

This is one of a few reason why we eloped 12 years ago and parents have still not met.

be honest with your in-laws if they are the intelligent people you say then I am sure they will understand. then perhaps you can suggest an intimate meeting away from things that will stress your dad out?

but if you are struggling with this how on earth will your dad cope with the wedding?

My parents were not interested in meeting ex-pils (altho ex-mil pushed for it a little bit) and iirc they met at our engagement party, briefly when ex-pils popped over and Dad didn't even acknowledge them and walked out 'to do some gardening' and then at the wedding. My dad is quite awkward in situations and with people he doesn't feel 'are like him' or are 'boring'. So i found it easier at large gatherings like engagement party/wedding because there are lots of distractions, subjects to talk about and reasons to interrupt and drag someone away to say hi to aunty maud. So i would disagree with others and say the wedding might be a better place for them to meet.

My parents and my current Pils have never met as Pils didn't come to our wedding . They would absolutely HATE each other tho, so i was secretly pleased.

Be honest OP. My PIL are working class, my Dad is a semi-retired business owner who is wealthy while my mum has MH issues. All needed to be prepped before meeting.

Keep the meeting short - I strongly suggest meeting at a restaurant as its then neutral ground and you can talk about inane things such as the flowers on the table etc. It also limits the time your parents will spend together to 2 hours at most. If at home there is all the stress of getting the place clean etc.

eckitall Tue 10-Mar-15 19:49:22

Goodness this all spices life up, I can give worse run downs than that!Tell her not to be embarrased, I like quirky people.

Mine didn't meet before wedding.

Partly because pil are the most anti social people you will ever come across and they fall out with everyone that they make brief friendships with.
Also I knew that they would make no effort to meet halfway.

So they met on the day and haven't met since. They email but live too far away to bother

Be honest with them. They're soon to be family and they'll find out sooner or later anyway!

Your in laws sound very nice.
I suspect if my inlaws were nice people then they would have met

I'd tell the in laws, you are soon to be related so I'd think they would need to know sometime.

Could your Df meet them for a specific activity, or somewhere he is comfortable. A planned short meeting?

If not then what about a wedding related event where your Mum could meet your PIL. So it wouldn't just be a traditional sit down meal/ party where it would be odd your df wasn't there, like your dm and you call at their house with tester cake, meet, try cake, drink cup of tea and say see you at the wedding!

I have three, now adult, sons on the autism spectrum. One in particular can behave completely inappropriately in social situations - eg laugh through funerals, invade people's personal space (everyone is his life long friend) and say things, that are often true, but are embarrassing or unpleasant for others to hear.

I used to want to over-protect them from social situations, avoid occasions whenever I could. And then I realised I was wrong. Totally wrong.

Now I would certainly briefly explain to people "X has autism and can sometimes act and speak inappropriately" and find that most people understand. And actually if people don't understand, well to hell with them. So from my limited experience I would advise NOT to overprotect everybody by making excuses, briefly explain to your future in-laws, and trust that most people really are rather understanding. The other option is to keep your father protected and safe/his condition secret/lie to your in laws. I'd really just be honest, after all it's nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck whatever you decide.

I have met DIL to be, DM, once with DS1, with DH, DS2 and DS3. DIL to be's parents are going through a separation which is very unusual for their family and culture.

But, I respect that the cultural stuff that they are going through is hard. I understand that the DF is not on board with the marriage. I digress, he loathes my DS who is at a high point of his career, as is DIL.

However, rudeness and inappropriate behaviour is not tolerated in my family, so I will not tolerate if from DIL DF.

I would understand absolutely if DIL said that meeting her DF was not on, but he insists that he wants to meet us, so I will be very clear, that the meeting is about the family coming together and nothing else.

Thank you for your comments. My father isn't actually terribly racist, sexist or homophobic. He is just of a generation and environment where saying politically incorrect things is common and my in laws are right -on intellectuals. If he had normal social skills he would be able to read other people and not make those comments, but he doesn't. Its a shame we didnt have an engagement party as that would have probably been a better place for them to meet.

Really difficult I feel your pain. All the in laws in put family get along but are very opposite.
Maybe give a heads up to fiancé s family before but try not to stress about it. Your parents have produced you and their son has fallen in love with you. You can't help their behaviour.

I think I'm very fortunate, DP and I live abroad and on our only visit to the UK since we announced the engagement it didn't even occur to us to arrange a meeting for them - they live about 4 hours drive apart.
It turns out they all wanted to meet before the wedding so I sent an introductory e-mail and let them get on with it.
They found a nice pub halfway between their locations and met for lunch.
It seems they got on as future PIL have now planned to visit my parents area for a weekend to go walking with them!
I was a bit worried as they have rather different backgrounds and my father isn't keen on social stuff whilst his can be a bit overbearing but it seems it turned out well and I avoided it all!
All I can suggest to the OP is that she explain very honestly that her father has aspergers and the kind of inappropriate comments might make and ask them to bear that in mind. If the are nice people and that intelligent I'm sure they can cope with it for a few hours and help put your mum at ease.