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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Mothers Day one (sorry)

31 replies

wiggywigglewoo · 10/03/2015 15:16

Prepared to be told IABU here as I admit I find it difficult to be objective when it comes to MIL.

We usually spend Mothers Day driving from one set of parents to the other, his are local but mine aren't. We have occasionally all met somewhere in the middle for lunch or something but it has been a bit awkward as DM and MIL aren't really fond of each other although they both try very hard not to show it.

We are currently making some improvements to our house and the garden (we are trying to sell) and can't do much in the week due to our working hours so weekends are very busy. With this in mind we decided we would send both our Mum's some flowers, a card and a spa voucher but have not made plans to visit on Mother's Day. We see both Mum's regularly anyway and have promised we will visit soon once the work on the house is done.

SIL has informed us that MIL is very upset about this. She told SIL she is "devastated" that she won't see our DD on Mothers Day, which surprises me as PIL have never made much effort with DD and would happily go several weeks without seeing her if we didn't bring her to their house. According to SIL we are being "selfish" and have "ruined Mothers Day". DH phoned MIL and tried to smooth things over. He said they are welcome to pop round to ours for a cuppa and to see DD but we will be busy painting etc. so won't be cooking for them or anything but could perhaps order a takeaway. MIL wasn't impressed with this and said that she feels as it's Mother's Day we should make the effort to go to her or take her out for a meal.

I am finding it very hard to be diplomatic as when DH turned 30 last year he got a card through the post (no visit, no gift) from PIL and a message on Facebook from SIL and that was it. None of them came to see DD on her first birthday. Their own birthdays are always very OTT, massive celebrations that go on for days etc. I feel it's a double standard that we are expected to make a big fuss of them on special occassions when it is never reciprocated but maybe I am just being spiteful because I find my in laws hard work generally.

DH is very susceptible to guilt where his parents are concerned and I'm worried he's going to cave in and agree to visit on Sunday. WIBU to put my foot down this time and just let her sulk if she wants to?

OP posts:

ROARmeow · 10/03/2015 15:21

YANBU at all.

Your MIL sounds like a spoilt child.

Ignore her. Get your house sorted and enjoy some time enjoying YOUR celebration of Mother's Day.

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 10/03/2015 15:23

YANBU. Your MIL and SIL sound rather melodramatic! It does sound as though your MIL wants things to be on her terms from what you have said.

Rosieliveson · 10/03/2015 15:24

I don't think YABU. It is difficult circumstances and you have made alternative plans. I'd leave it at that.
MIL will come round. Just invite them over once the house is done.

ApocalypseNowt · 10/03/2015 15:25

She's acting like a toddler. Treat her like one.

You've offered her a compromise and she's not having it. DO NOT change your plans. I'd not recommend your DH try and placate her anymore either...it's just feeding the drama she's creating. And tell SIL to keep her beak out.

Original poster

wiggywigglewoo · 10/03/2015 15:27

Apocalypse, I think you're right. He's always assumed the role of 'peacemaker' in the family and tries to keep everyone happy but the truth is they're never happy, whatever he does for them it's not enough.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 10/03/2015 15:28

Er, you're a mum too! When do you get to choose how you spend the day and get made a fuss of? Think your DH should be saying 'it seems fair to make this year one where we treat wiggy, as we have made arrangements around you every other year'

HubertCumberdale · 10/03/2015 15:29

YANBU. Mother's day really gets on my tits, like valentines day. A nice excuse to do something nice but by no means a necessity.

Maybe explain that because you are also a mother, so it's your day as well, this year you're making the decisions. It can be her turn next year.

Original poster

wiggywigglewoo · 10/03/2015 15:33

I did point out to SIL that i'm a Mum too and I can think of lots of ways I'd rather celebrate Mothers Day than painting the bathroom so wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't necessary!

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TheRealMaryMillington · 10/03/2015 15:38

I used to be very snooty about all this stuff (commercial etc etc) but I have revised my opinion of late as I think we all need to grasp any opportunity we can for fun and joy and celebration.

So I was all prepared to say, och go on, go do something nice with the grannies, the decorating can wait.

Then I read the rest of your post.

Don't pander to her. And don't let DH.

I suggest MIL should babysit DD for the day whilst you get on with your house decorating.

(PS I bet SIL just wants not to have to spend the day with her on her own)

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/03/2015 15:44

YANBU.

You could always buy her a paint brush for mothers day and suggest she gets stuck in and helps?

Iwasbornin1993 · 10/03/2015 15:48

YADNBU!

IsItMeOr · 10/03/2015 15:54

Another who was all revved up to say you should cut mum some slack. Then I read your OP. YANBU.

Stay strong! And good luck with the decorating.

funnyface31 · 10/03/2015 15:54

It's your Mothers day too!

Which also means it it not 'Grand' Mother's Day, your DH is her child and your DD is yours not hers!

They sound a delight and I bet you would rather be watching the paint dry than sat in their over the top company.

OnlyLovers · 10/03/2015 15:55

Ignore her AND SIL. Have neither of them got anything better to worry about?

TheRealMaryMillington · 10/03/2015 15:59

I wouldn't bother with the "it's my mother's day too" argument. As if you are spending it painting you are clearly not so bothered, and it's also a bit like telling her she's had her time.

Send the lovely gifts and flowers. Offer up her granddaughter to her for some special time together. Even suggest DH pop round in the evening to give her a kiss. Let SIL take her out.

Scholes34 · 10/03/2015 16:06

OOh, what colour are you painting the bathroom? Good luck with the house sale. How far from your MIL are you moving?

Original poster

wiggywigglewoo · 10/03/2015 16:21

Scholes, we're taking the House Doctor's advice and doing everything in boring neutrals I'm afraid. Very dull but apparently that's what buyers want! As for your second question, not far enough for my liking

OP posts:

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 16:23

YANBU. I presume SIL will be taking her out or cooking her a meal on Mother's Day, and there are good practical reasons why it makes more sense for you to stay at home this year.
I think your MIL is being a bit of a drama queen. Even if she's a bit disappointed she should surely accept that there will be some years where all the family can't be there for Mother's Day.

Floundering · 10/03/2015 16:23

Yep DD has her Mum , you have yours & DH has his.

If MIL is kicking up a stink send him to her & you invite your mum over to yours or better still go out locally so neither of you have to cook.

AGirlCalledBoB · 10/03/2015 16:26

YANBU I have never once seen my mil on Mother's Day. My oh or I take her card around there a couple of days before hand. So this year I will pop over there on Thursday.

I do see my mum on Mother's Day but her birthday is the day after this year in which case neither me or my brother can see her on her birthday.

It's honestly not a big deal the one time, she will get over it.

Original poster

wiggywigglewoo · 10/03/2015 16:31

Behindthepaintedgarden, SIL has never cooked a meal in her life and if we go out to eat as a family she always assumes DH will pay and never offers to chip in. I suspect this is partly why she is acting so outraged, because now she might actually have to go to some trouble/expense

OP posts:

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 10/03/2015 16:35

No! stay at home and do what YOU want - after all it's your Mothers Day too, whether you spend the day decorating is irrelevant.

MIL sounds like my DM, who I won't be visiting either.

Enjoy your day.

Hissy · 10/03/2015 16:45

let them sulk - and your SIL needs to wind her neck in - she's getting herself involved in something that really isn't her issue.

HootyMcTooty · 10/03/2015 16:46

YANBU!

slithytove · 10/03/2015 16:50

Yanbu.
It's not like you are dinghying her for some great plans revolving around you

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