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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to or give a present for a 'Christening anniversary'...

110 replies

poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 10:47

Some background: BIL and DH don't really get on but speak on the phone about once every month. They have one child who's 2 and a half.
BIL and SIL live about 3 hours away from us. We went to her Christening about two years ago but haven't seen any of them since. We send them all presents every Xmas and get their DD a present for her birthday as well.

Now BIL and SIL have sent us an invitation to a 'Christening Anniversary' for their DD which is basically a party to commemorate when their daughter was Christened.

I've never heard of one of these anniversaries.

We haven't replied yet but DH spoke to MIL last night and she thinks we're BVU to not go and not send a present.

What the actual fuck?

AIBU to think you can't just invent random occasions and expect people to rock up bearing gifts?!

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 10/03/2015 12:16

What? Really?

CocobearSqueeze · 10/03/2015 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 12:18

I love the pope on a rope idea.

I think I'll get a cheap card and just say 'Have a great day'. I can see this being another occasion where mine and MIL's differences become very clear

OP posts:
proceeding · 10/03/2015 12:21

I'm a lapsed Catholic. Let me assure you, this is NOT a Thing.

But I REALLY want you to go to the party and report back. G'wan. For us. You know you want to!!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/03/2015 12:23

You do renew your vows at Easter, and if you are at a Christening the whole congregation renew their vows, iirc. Also at Confirmation, but that may just have been the confirmees (if indeed that is a word).

But anyway. You don't have a bloody party for it and I have a huge Catholic family who quite literally have had a party for a new knitting machine arriving (really, I luff them!) so you can rest assured if it was a 'thing' I would have been to a good few of them.

Deffo send a rosary.

Original poster
poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 12:25

They haven't asked for gifts but MIL is going out shopping for gifts and assumes we'll also be sending a gift Hmm

MIL is not a Catholic in any way. She was Christened years ago but doesn't believe in God.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 10/03/2015 12:29

No, I've never heard of it either and we're Catholics, I'd have to have a rummage about to remember the date of dd1s christening - she'll be very disappointed to realise she could have missed out on 9 years of anniversaries Smile.

CarlaVeloso · 10/03/2015 12:31

Just say you can't make it but hope they have a lovely day.

You sound very judgement about how they choose to live their lives. All this analysis of who believes in god and who goes to church. Is it your business?

If your BIL wanted to get married in a Catholic church, as a non-Catholic, of course he was expected to do some sort of preparation. He was obviously ok with this - why the Hmm face from you?

Clearly you can't stand them so just decline politely. It's quite nice they still want to reach out to you despite the clear dislike on your part.

Original poster
poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 12:37

Carla Oh blimey. I was just really seeing if this was a thing and how much of a thing (i.e. if it'd be completely unacceptable to not go).

I'm not analysing who believes/doesn't believe in God, just commenting as some context.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 10/03/2015 12:38

I would go if they normally throw good parties and take an awful tacky religious type gift. But if it is a religious, church thing then I'd ignore it was happening at all and refuse to acknowledge.

I have a friend who regularly makes up silly reasons to throw parties, the best being that her lost luggage had turned up. But she has works in PR and has a huge social circle so her parties are always amazing.

Guessing they are not like this?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/03/2015 12:40

I think it's also one of those potentially awkward situations where you aren't asked for a gift but its expected, know what I mean?

I'd feel pretty mortified to turn up and find a mound of gifts... so would send. The religious stuff sounds good.

I must ask (she'd probably think I'm mad) my good friend who's Catholic, she either pours scorn or confirms what's what in that area for me!

Original poster
poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 12:43

super Exactly like that!

Need No, they're not party people at all.

OP posts:
Pastamancer · 10/03/2015 12:43

Surely if it was important then they would have celebrated the 1st anniversary too? Why do it now when the christening was 2 years ago?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/03/2015 12:44

Carla but some religious people ARE like this, tending to shove it down your throats whereas others don't.

A prime example - I've got a cousin who worked as headmaster for a foreign Christian boarding school, he sent out round robins asking for donations but most especially a tailored one to my nana (who was very wealthy) asking for a donation. She saw straight through it and refused to donate - she was not a practising Christian anyway. And their annual letters/cards at Christmas always had prayers for us or religious messages which we didn't want at all. his poor parents were very embarassed as they were not practising Christians. Sorry to be harsh!

Compare the above with neighbours of my mum's who are Catholic and in no way whatsoever have they ever mentioned their religion or asked for donations etc from my mum etc. They mention they do work for homeless and charities etc... Who gets a huge bag of clothes or donations from us every year, well they do because they are quite modest/humble about it.

sorry for the lecture OP! Smile

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/03/2015 12:52

They haven't asked for gifts ...

Oh bugger - I was hoping to hear they'd included a ghastly poem asking for your cash, but now you've gone and spoiled it!!! Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2015 12:53

No no no, it's a chance for them to go grabby and wanting. Just make your excuses and not go.

Waitingonasunnyday · 10/03/2015 12:57

I can't think of many reasons for doing this as a public party.

Has their child been ill, in which case it is the sort of thing I might be inclined to do as a sort of thanksgiving? Or I wonder if they are making a thing of it to get their child into a particular school?

thatsucks · 10/03/2015 13:04

Clutching at straws, but do you think it's just a nice reason (and perhaps even an attempt at humour on their part) to get the family together again since you rarely see each other?

Otherwise YANBU.

I'd definitely not go and definitely not send a gift! Not even a religious one. Just send a card with a heartfelt message to your niece and leave it at that.

Original poster
poldarkeranddarker · 10/03/2015 13:10

Waiting No, she's not being ill but the school suggestion is very interesting!!

thatsucks TBH, I don't think so. BIL and DH aren't close and never really have been so there's no 'making up' to do IYSWIM. And even if it were a ploy to get everyone together, why not just say this rather than invention some random occasion!!

OP posts:
missusdaly · 10/03/2015 13:12

No. This should not be allowed to become a thing. Please do not go, do not give a gift. For the good of mankind.

FWIW my brother is a staunch Catholic. A no-meat-on-Fridays, church-service-in-Latin, females-may-not-wear-trousers Catholic. He and his wife have 6 children and the eldest is 7. Not only do they not do Christening anniversaries, they don't do much for the Christening itself. No big party (sure how could they, really, when they'd pretty much be doing it every year) and they don't make a big fuss over Communions either.

I'm not saying that every Catholic family does things the same way but I would look to my brothers family as a good barometer for what genuine genuine followers of the faith do. As opposed to people who have a Christening in order to get a day out from it and then the child doesn't see the inside of a church until their Communion.

maleenteringfemalefacilities · 10/03/2015 13:12

Print out a christening prayer in a nice font, frame it (in a frame you have hanging around) wrap nicely, free pressie which looks !

Another lapsed Catholic here and this is definitely not a religious thing that I've heard of.

OP, can you go and update MN live from the party? Pleeeease?

maleenteringfemalefacilities · 10/03/2015 13:13

That, of course, should be Grin Grin Grin

NotYouNaanBread · 10/03/2015 13:14

Completely ridiculous. Did they actually send a printed invitation? Or an email?

I'd be inclined to email them back...

How extraordinary! I have never heard of a Christening anniversary before? I'd love to know more about this, because having never heard of such a thing before, I'd be really interested to learn more. Is this to do with SIL's Catholic faith? How lovely! Most of my Catholic friends (who I asked) have never heard of this before, and as it's obviously something that is very important to SIL, as a part of her faith, I'd love to be able to tell them more about it.

Or have I misunderstood, and it's more about getting the family together for a lovely day? That would of course be lovely, as we haven't laid eyes on you since baby's LAST christening! Smile

Anyway, lovely as the thought is, we're actually going to IKEA that day. Running low on lingonberry jam, as you do.

Have a lovely day! We'll keep you in our thoughts - or even prayers, lol!

Well, maybe don't send that. But it would be pleasing to write it, all the same.

NotYouNaanBread · 10/03/2015 13:15

I googled it, and there is this thread from here from a few years back. Interesting replies!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/03/2015 13:16

I'm truly sorry, but I just couldn't resist ... Wink Grin

It’s not very long since the day I was born
My toys are still new and my clothing untorn
But now she’s not feeding my mum needs a drink
And the upcoming party has caused her to think

She hates all that kitsch, has no room for dross
And a lack of momentos is frankly no loss
So goodbye tradition or “wetting my head”
Forget the whole thing and just send cash instead!!