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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe that my child might cry going into school FOREVER?

36 replies

BouleSheet · 10/03/2015 09:32

My child started school last September and has cried pretty much every morning since. He likes school, has friends and a lovely teacher. It is so stressful and everything I read about these scenarios say oh it's just a phase and won't last....but it has: SIX MONTHS!!! I can imagine him as a 12 year old bawling going into school - I cannot imagine him hopping out of the car with a cheery "bye mum" and not a backward glance.
I have to walk him to the door as the school is on a busy road and he'd run from the school if I didn't but at the door he clings and weeps and can get hysterical. It helps if one of the staff take him from me and engage with me but that doesn't always happen and I think their patience is worn thin at this stage. I don't want to bring him to school anymore but there is no-one else to do it.
Please tell me tales to prove IABU!

OP posts:
IsItSummerYet · 10/03/2015 09:37

Could the school not suggest something that may help - a special job on arrival? I don't know I can't think of anything off the top of my head but didn't want to read and run.

As you say the phase hasn't ended on its own so maybe needs some help!

Surely the school should have some ideas?

Positive reinforcement - if he doesn't cry he gets such and such. Or if that is too big a step then break it down into tiny steps for him?

Maybe you need a reward too as it must be ever so hard for you!

escondida · 10/03/2015 09:44

Awww, I don't know about drop-offs, but there was a wee lass used to have a spell crying silently for mummy at most lunch times until about April of Reception yr. I worked as MSA, we just had to chivvy & cheer her along. She was fine in class or on playground, only fragile at lunch times. Luckily mum was tough as nails. The girl is in yr2 & fine now.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 10/03/2015 09:45

DS1 also started school in September and was a crier too.

I used bribery! If he was brave going into school each morning, he would get a fairly decent treat on a Friday - either a new (small) toy or book, or he could stay up a bit later with DH and I to watch a film, or he got to go the McDonalds or somewhere for lunch on the Saturday. Not ideal, but he needed a fairly big incentive as he really didn't want to go to school! (his school and teacher are lovely and he admitted he quite liked it once he was there, his issue was with being separated from me and knowing DS2 was still at home with me). Over time the rewards got scaled down and now he doesn't get anything.

I also have learnt to time drop off so the bell rings pretty much straight away - less time to get upset. If he stands around in the yard (parents have to wait behind the fence) then it's much more likely that he'll start to get upset.

He has the occasional wobble now but is generally ok.

I know how you feel though OP. DS1 was crying long after all the other children were happily settled in!

jazzandh · 10/03/2015 09:58

My friends daughter was like this, and she used home drawn flash cards with matchstick people on them to map out her daughters entire day from getting up onwards....

Then she got her daughter to look at each card and say whether she liked that part or not. So she managed to isolate that her DD didn't like going into school....because she thought she was missing out on something at home.

So she drew some more cards out and showed her what she would be doing while DD was at school....ironing, washing, working etc......and that even if DD was at home with her - she would still be doing those things.

I think it helped the DD to put everything into perspective somehow.....really worked quite amazingly (she herself had got the idea from another Mother whose son had seen a Dr as he was so bad at going into school - so it would seem to be a recognised technique).

countingdown · 10/03/2015 10:06

My little boy struggled a bit too initially and I considered buying some love locks.

www.nayworthcottagecrafts.co.uk/love-locks/4566723345

I didn't buy them in the end, but something like this may be worth trying.

dragdownthemoon · 10/03/2015 14:52

I don't know if my story will help or not...

My son cried every day in reception. In year 1 it got worse... Screaming, clinging to railings, actually having to be manhandled in. Awful. I was very close to pulling him out and home educating but I had reasons that I couldn't.

I was at my wits end with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, in September he started year 2. And we have had no issues. No tears, no sadness, just a happy little boy going in to school. I have no idea what changed.

I felt like you, that he would be sad and hate school FOREVER. SO many people said he will be fine after a few weeks, months, all had stories of their kids settling fine after a month or two...I genuinely didn't believe my son ever would. But he did. It was a long process but we got there.

It is really hard, I feel for you. Good luck xx

Waitingonasunnyday · 10/03/2015 15:00

You have my sympathy.

DS was a crier. Although he was fine when DH took him in, which was an extra kick in the teeth, and when the TA suggested it was because I go to work, well arrgghh. I remember it all so well.

He's 10 now and jumps out of the car before I've even got the handbrake on, and hes off up the road and into school. He is still my more emotionally delicate/less eager to try something new child, but there are no tears for school!

I PROMISE it won't last for ever.

Purplepoodle · 10/03/2015 15:05

Go and talk to his teacher. I'm sure teaching assistant could come out and take him into class (aka peel him off u and carry him in)

molyholy · 10/03/2015 15:08

I feel your pain. I never thought my daughter would settle. 7 months before she stopped crying every morning. I used to go to work and cry. All the sympathetic looks and the 'she will be okay in a couple of weeks' I used to think oh shut up. But she did settle. She had friends, liked her teacher, work wasn't a struggle etc. It just took time. She still doesn't like school and moans about it every morning Grin, but she understands she has to go and thats all there is to it and there are no tears anymore.

TheWitTank · 10/03/2015 15:08

There is a boy in my son's class who cried every single morning for approximately 2 years. They are now nearly 8 and he goes into school absolutely fine. He has the odd wobble after holidays but it's very rare. He loves school, has loads of friends and was always fine within 10 minutes or so of his mum leaving. It really won't last, honestly.

FarFromAnyRoad · 10/03/2015 15:08

This must be so stressful for you. Of course nobody can know what's going through his little mind but for what it's worth I did this to my Mum some 40 odd years ago. Every day. For two years. Sometimes it was so bad I made myself sick. I have no idea now what it was all about but I rather think I was trying it on Grin - probably aiming for a day at home with Mum. It never worked but the point is there was nothing actually wrong with me - no unhappiness at school or anything. I hope it's the same for your DS.

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2015 15:26

He might but it's unlikely.

In the school where I teach there was a girl years ago who cried almost every morning until the age of 11. And we currently have a 9 year old girl who always cries on Mondays and occasionally at other times. No additional needs in either case just very home loving, emotionally fragile children.

Those are the only examples I can think of for consistent criers over the age of 6. Occasional crying is more common.

TeenAndTween · 10/03/2015 16:33

The school should be helping you.

Suggestions, though I expect you've tried all of them by now:

  • go in a bit early for special job
  • or a bit late to miss the crush
  • or drop off at school office instead
  • or link with a friend and go in together
  • or special toy to play with when in if goes in well
  • transition object like a small toy to take in
  • or a scarf that smells of your perfume
  • stickers with treats every day for going in well

My DD2 went through clingy phases all the way to y4, you must be emotionally wrung out!

gamerwidow · 10/03/2015 16:41

My dd is doing this too but only when it's my days and not the cms to take her.
I am currently bribing successfully with kinder eggs as of last week.

Tanith · 10/03/2015 16:52

I once reminded my DS (15) of how he used to be leaving me to go to nursery and school. and I asked him if he could remember why he'd got so upset. He said he didn't know: "I must have been mad!" he assured me.

I also reminded the 10 year old girl I mind of how clingy she was as a small child. She looked at me as though I was unhinged Grin

kwerty · 10/03/2015 17:31

I cried every day for years! I enjoyed school, was ahead academically, had lovely friends, but still I cried. I also cried if it was cheese pie for lunch (every second Friday), if someone other than my sister sat beside me on the bus and if it rained and I had to wear wellingtons. Lots of other things set me off too!
I think I stopped crying regularly, as in every day, when I was about nine.

SuperFlyHigh · 10/03/2015 17:31

I was a crier for the first few days.... I can't remember what happened but i think my mum hung around for a while then left me.

One of my main reasons was my parents divorced and had problems when I was about 4-5 but the house was unhappy - not saying this is happening in your case!

But you may need to check re the above or if anything else is bothering your son. Hope it gets better soon. I did! Smile

dixiechick1975 · 10/03/2015 18:00

My friends daughter cried every day in reception going in. She is now doing her gcses and is a lovely girl with no school issues. She had a slightly younger brother at home and hadn't been to nursery much or left mum much before.

Will he say anything about what it is going on?

Is there a breakfast club you could maybe drop at. Thinking a quieter place and if he is hungry may be more focused on eating and take his mind off the separation.

mmgirish · 11/03/2015 00:06

I worked in a school years ago where there was a wee boy who was inconsolable every single day. He used to say the most cleverly manipulative things to his poor mum variations like "Why don't you love me anymore - please don't leave me here". I used to feel terrible for her. She was a nurse and had to leave to get to work but I often saw her sobbing with her head on the steering wheel before she left the car park. This was in June!

Unfortunately she never got to see him quickly wipe the tears away and get stuck into the Lego or whatever toy he chose to play with immediately after she left. We used to tell her this but as it seemed so unbelievable in comparison to the screaming boy we had to peel out of her arms I don't think she ever quite believed us that he was fine after she left. These were the days before iPads and things so we didn't have a recording device easy to hand to show her.

As a teacher, I have seen this many times. It is devastating for parents and you have my sympathy. Your child will get through this. He just has better sticking power than some of his classmates. In a way you should be proud of his resilience!

If I were in your position I would request a meeting with the teacher and the teacher's line manager to discuss an action plan for each morning. There should have been one set in place by now. It's unfair for your son not to. His needs have to be met, and at the moment, he needs support first thing in the morning.

Original poster
BouleSheet · 11/03/2015 10:09

Thank you all - I am consoled to know he is not the only one. He didn't cry this morning!!! The power of a post on MN!! I am not counting my chickens though but it was a nice reprieve.

OP posts:
PeachyParisian · 11/03/2015 10:15

I did this for a full school year as a child. Eventually I was so embarrassed by crying in front of the whole class I just stopped.
It won't last forever, even if it feels like it does!

spiderlight · 11/03/2015 10:21

When my DS started Reception there was a little girl who absolutely broke her heart every morning, clung to her mum and had to be peeled off sobbing. The teachers were brilliant about it, gave her little jobs to do etc but it took months and months to pass. In Y1 she got into her stride, and in Y2 she took the starring role in the Christmas play, sang, danced and spoke loads of lines beautifully, centre stage stage on her own, and I don't think there was a single mum from our year who didn't have something in their eye during her performance!

He'll get there Flowers

NUFC69 · 11/03/2015 10:26

DD cried every morning until the September after she was 7! It's very wearing and I can remember countless times when I went home and cried. She is now 36 with her own 4 yo who occasionally cries and I tell her what goes around comes around. Grin What helped DD was a new teacher who took her from me and then sat her on her lap while she took the register (staff are probably not allowed to do this now). Good luck - I do feel for you.

thenextday · 11/03/2015 10:29

My ds was fine in reception but cried every day in yr one.
Hr was ok within 2 mons of going in. Loved his teachers
Never did in yr 2.

But a whole year of it. Wearing to say the least. I had to kick him off my leg .....
.

TheHappyCamper · 11/03/2015 10:50

My dd still cries often even now she's in Yr1. She is making tiny improvements, but it's very slow. She loves school and her teacher, and has loads of friends though.

Things we have done that seem to be helping:

  1. Get there quite late so she joins the back of the line almost as they start to go in. Hanging around doesn't help.
  1. A bribe on a Friday if she's been brave all week e.g. a kinder egg or a new book
  1. Talking lots about what's going to happen that day, what's for lunch, what me/DH are doing at home or work. Lots of reassurance about who's picking her up etc.
  1. We put a little jewel toy in her pocket that she can 'touch' if she's missing us. TA knows about this so she won't get told off.
  1. Extra reassurance on PE days as getting changed is a major fear of hers, although she can't articulate why (maybe it's cold or the big hall is scary).
  1. DH and I remaining very calm and firm. Less fussing is better. Sometimes we have a little weep later on when she can't see us! Blush

It is difficult and you have my sympathy. I CAN now imagine a day when she doesn't cry.