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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send a typed note to each of the ex's family, and just sign it?

49 replies

opi · 09/03/2015 23:25

I've gone through a difficult separation that took years to pull off: it was a nasty abusive relationship. Finally it happened 5 weeks ago, with a mass of support behind me, I got him out with a short very hard boot out the door.

His family got involved, not surprising, and took up in arms against me. Well this is what the ex tells me, and I have not had any contact with the 4 family members who apparently said they would 'go to court' against me.

There is a rift now. Not between the ex and I, but between me and the 4. A sort of cold war. I don't want it to exist, especially not based on 2nd hand info. I want to make the first move. We have 2 sons in the void.

Their dad is renting a cottage in the same village as our house so it is inevitable eventually I will come to see the 4 as they come to visit.

This has been a tricky time, and I have struggled with a proper old soup of emotions and have posted here lately under a different name at the toughest times.

Ive been working hard on resloving this and...

I want to send them a note, post it tomorrow inside a card (red cross card with sunflowers on to be exact) addressed after 'Dear' to all four but one copy sent to each individually. I intend to type up the note and just sign it.

AIBU to send this note?

any response appreciated, one word even. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
opi · 09/03/2015 23:25

here it is

Dear X, X, X and X
The reason for note is to make contact with you since my separation from X.
I am not asking you for anything, but I do wish to say to you that my door is open to you.
Perhaps in time we may come to understand each other’s perspective, or we may not. I am open to each possibility.
In the meantime, I will share with you my wish: I wish that (Son1) and (Son2) experience both sides of their family, they hear acknowledgement from each of the other, and that they enjoy growing seeing the best of themselves in us.
Whatever the future brings, I will do what I can to keep this all so.
From
OPI

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 09/03/2015 23:29

I think that sounds good.

yellowdinosauragain · 09/03/2015 23:30

What do you want to achieve by sending the note? It's unlikely they will listen and review their opinion of your ex. Surely one of the benefits of splitting up is you needn't have anymore to do with relatives who behave like twats.

Unless there is something specific you want to achieve with this,that you think is possible, I'd leave it to be honest

yellowdinosauragain · 09/03/2015 23:32

Cross posted with the note. I'd still leave it. It's your ex dh job to facilitate your children's relationship with his family. I admire what you're trying to do but honestly I'd save yourself the aggro and leave it.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/03/2015 23:37

Yeah, these people are Not Your Problem any more. I don't see what the point of writing to them is, when there doesnt seem to be anything particular to say?

PrettyFeet · 09/03/2015 23:52

why on earth would you send a note? silence is golden.

Tobyjugg · 10/03/2015 00:01

Do nothing. I cannot see what you will gain by sending this. Communication is not always a good thing.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2015 00:06

I agree that silence in golden. Nothing you can say or do will change anything they think or feel. Dignified silence is best. Why open a door that you may end up wishing had stayed firmly closed.

If you see them in the village, just smile, nod, and say hello. If they want to stop and speak to you they will. Otherwise, just pass them by knowing that you were the polite one.

DoJo · 10/03/2015 00:10

I can see why you want to do this, but honestly, if they will not put their feelings aside for the benefit of your sons under their own steam, then they are unlikely to suddenly see the light on receipt of a note from you.

If you do send it, then I would maybe tone down the formal elements of it and go for something simpler such as:

'I know there has been a lot of upset recently between us, but I hope that we can ensure that son 1 and son 2 do not suffer any more than necessary as a result of x and my separation. I want them to feel as though they still have a loving family even if we are no longer all together and I want you to know that I will do my best to ensure that I do what I can to make this happen. '

That removes any implication that they will behave inappropriately and acknowledges that you are only in a position to influence your own behaviour. Good luck - you are clearly trying to do the right thing, and it would be a shame if they don't see that.

Original poster
opi · 10/03/2015 00:19

Thanks for reading and replying.

OK so the concensus is why write - I was close to these folks - and they are all the family my boys know apart from my mum. They are not unpleasant or unintelligent people. They know what a dramatic twat thier brother / father can be, who knows what kak he has fed them.

So back to the question..why write? To cut my ex out of his control of the information between us, and to put a ball from me in their courts. Control was my ex's thing. If they know from me I'm not hankering for a fight but am open to them if they want to contact me, it may take the bullshit wind out of my ex's sails. He is fed by drama, never a drama if a crisis can be created.

I guess the point of saying my door is open is the most significant. Not really obvious unless you are me or them now I think about it. I kept the rest empty, they can take it how they like, I cut the bit out about being really angry disolusioned and p##ed off and decided to wait and see if anything I've been told by drama central is actually true.

Though a note would give them time / space to reflect that maybe it aint all as it seems. Phone calls are risky IMO.

DYSWIM?

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/03/2015 00:20

OP that was your relationship with your ex. Its separate from his family. I, of course disliked my ex otherwise he wouldnt be so. I absolutely adored his mother and never badmouthed him to her due to knowing that is her son and our childs grandmother. I loved her and she loved me. Do not send any kind of note, your anger should stay where it belongs.

Original poster
opi · 10/03/2015 00:21

sweet re-write DoJo x

OP posts:
ICantFindAFreeNickName · 10/03/2015 00:30

I thought it sounded like a nice idea, but I preferred DoJo's note - I think it shows that you want to build bridges for your son's sake and will not be trying to cut their contact with your sons.

It's always difficult when a relationship breaks down, especially if you have been close to your partners family. You have no idea what your ex has been saying to them about you. I think the not is a nice way to open up communication between you, without your ex being the middle man.

missingmumxox · 10/03/2015 00:41

Thought I would add, my cousin has been royally kicked out on his arse by his partner on jan 1st, I have no idea why, although I suspect he wasn't very hands on after children, as in he would take them out but from conversations last summer he did fuck all at home, and whilst we took the piss out of him for his attitude, I don't think he took it on board we actually meant what we said.

He could have done something awful, she could of, I have no way of knowing, they are both on my facebook, no mud slinging from either side, could be she just grow up and he was not the man for her, 17 when they started going out, she is 30 this year he is 35.

God knows but I don't ask, don't comment, I don't want to make her feel we are watching her, I want to
Message her to say how much I will miss her, but feel this is overstepping the unwritten boundaries.

On the threats I found out my BF ex told her I was so disgusted by her leaving him, I was spying on her for him, she had PND at the time and was pushing everyone away me included, but I was not spying on her, I fact he had asked me too, several times, in exasperation I said if you are that worried pay someone to do it! He did... Fortunately minutes after I said it I realised he would and I warned her, and indeed he did pay and got nada!
Rarely can other people be bothered to get involved in other peoples dramas other than to hear the details.

I hope his family are like mine, leave her and leave you in peace.

I will contact cousins other half in the future, just to say good luck, but I don't know when Hmm

PostOfTheDay · 10/03/2015 00:45

I think it's a nice idea. DoJo's note is very good. The sunflower cards sound good too.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2015 00:47

I think Dojo's rewrite is very good. Neutral yet positive. If you want to send something, that would be what I would send.

simonettavespucci · 10/03/2015 00:58

I'd send it. The 'silence is best' position would be wise, if you were contemplating sending an angry or accusatory letter, but yours is very measured.

You will continue to have some kind of contact with these people either directly or through your sons - sending a note stating your position clearly now will help you to proceed calmly in the future.

It may cause your ex to kick off in the immediate future, if he's a drama llama, but I would say it's worth it.

KiwiJude · 10/03/2015 01:27

Good rewrite by DoJo. I would handwrite the note on a piece of nice paper and pop it in the card. It's hard when you lose family through separation/divorce.

SweetValentine · 10/03/2015 03:32

Yes handwritten and DoJo's rewrite is much softer. I couldn't actually see the point of the first note, would come across as snide if it was printed i think.

Morloth · 10/03/2015 05:15

I think if you send those notes, he is still controlling you.

It is very unlikely they will take your 'side'.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2015 06:01

Don't send the note.

No matter what you write they / he will twist it

They are not your problem. They are his

They are very very unlikely to side with you. Blood is thicker than water

You risk looking a bit bonkers (sorry but you do)

It will not make one blind bit of difference

It will rake everything up again. It's early days. Give things a chance to settle down

ARoomWithoutAView · 10/03/2015 07:01

I would not send the note. Just let them do the contacting, which they may do one by one eventually. Then put into practice what you have written. Let their will evaporate, rather than trying to clear their fog.

ChasedByBees · 10/03/2015 07:18

You say that his family have taken against you according to him.

Have you heard anything? It may not be true so I wouldn't refer to it. I like Dojo's but I might consider leaving the bit about upset out.

notnaice · 10/03/2015 07:41

I'd dend Dojos note. You see appealing to them for your boys sake. If they have an ounce common sense, they'll see this. You are not asking to be friends, just for some civility for the kids sake. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You won't be giving control to DH as long as you don't pursue their friendship or try to get them on your side.

AlternativeTentacles · 10/03/2015 08:02

I wouldn't - as this is just a reaction to what he has told you.

You don't know any of this actually happened. So there hasn't been upset between you at all.

If you see them on the street, act as if you have never heard what he said. If they block you, then send an appropriate note.