to send a typed note to each of the ex's family, and just sign it?

[opi]

I've gone through a difficult separation that took years to pull off: it was a nasty abusive relationship. Finally it happened 5 weeks ago, with a mass of support behind me, I got him out with a short very hard boot out the door.

His family got involved, not surprising, and took up in arms against me. Well this is what the ex tells me, and I have not had any contact with the 4 family members who apparently said they would 'go to court' against me.

There is a rift now. Not between the ex and I, but between me and the 4. A sort of cold war. I don't want it to exist, especially not based on 2nd hand info. I want to make the first move. We have 2 sons in the void.

Their dad is renting a cottage in the same village as our house so it is inevitable eventually I will come to see the 4 as they come to visit.

This has been a tricky time, and I have struggled with a proper old soup of emotions and have posted here lately under a different name at the toughest times.

Ive been working hard on resloving this and...

I want to send them a note, post it tomorrow inside a card (red cross card with sunflowers on to be exact) addressed after 'Dear' to all four but one copy sent to each individually. I intend to type up the note and just sign it.

AIBU to send this note?

any response appreciated, one word even. Thank you.

I'm still not sure why you'd want to write. Won't your boys see these family members when they spend time with their Dad?

At only five weeks into the split, it seems a bit odd to me for you to want to make contact with your ex's family. Even if your ex is trying to control things between you and his family, they are his family and he might not want them having contact with you at such a messy time in your lives. I don't think I'd have appreciated my ex sending my family letters just after we'd split. I think you'd just be putting the relatives in a difficult position, having to choose between actively snubbing you or being disloyal to their own family member.

As long as they will still see your children, which may well happen in time when you are further into the separation and things are more settled, I really can't see why you're hoping to achieve at this stage except adding more drama.

The trouble is atm is that my ex is controlling the set up with these 4, I have had my ds age 10 say 'x & x are not impressed mum' (exs 2 grown up children) and that is their father's vocab.

I really need, for my own peace of mind, to do something to short circuit the control ex has over communication, for our son's sake as atm they are stuck in the void between me and the 4.

I do not want to change their minds, or to be freinds even.

Im quite prepared to never hear from them, or be told to F off, but for the sake of the boys dont I need to do something that stops them from being the only conduit between us?

I have faith it will work out in time and really am open to that. But I cant see it being healthy to leave the ex to control the comms. Hmmmmm not as simple as I hoped.

thank you for your help mnet xx

I'm in a similar ish situation. I have tried to contact the other party but there has been no response :-( I expect that stbxh has twisted things to such an extent that ds won't hear from them now unless under h's terms. It breaks my heart. However I tried! One day if ds asks I will be able to tell him that I did everything in my power to try and put this right. I would send the letter but the softer version but after sending just leave it, don't follow up. Good luck and I really hope they respond

I think you really need to let the dust settle a bit first. I really do.

At the end of the day, they are his family and they will inevitably back him. It hurts. But blood truly is thicker than water

I wouldn't contact them. In my experience, this sort of thing never works. It only creates further drama and incident.

Im quite prepared to never hear from them, or be told to F off, but for the sake of the boys dont I need to do something that stops them from being the only conduit between us?

No, not really. There doesn't need to be anything between you and these four people. You don't need communication with then so it doesn't matter if your ex controls the communication either.

Your children will have their own relationship with then that will probably be facilitated by their father when things settle down, but now that you have split up from your ex, you don't need contact with his family.

It would be nice, but if your ex doesn't want it, that is his prerogative and you will probably find that his family feels more loyalty to him than they will to you.

I'd let the dust settle and for access to be resolved (presuming xP gets access). I'd leave it to see if access works out that way, it's usually how it happens, that xH/xP arrange for DCs to see their family when they have access.

However if they don't see them or xP doesn't have access, then I'd contact them directly saying that DCs have been asking about them and would like to see them if possible (providing you're happy with this and there's no other access restrictions). It gives a nice reason to get in contact, hopefully some time will have passed and it isn't about being friends or not, just asking them if they want to see the DCs and facilitating it.

They are likely to be loyal to your xP and even if they take what he says with a pinch of salt, then they are still likely to be supportive to his face.

I really would not send it and wait for them to approach you.

As lots of others have said, it risks you looking mad, they can twist it etc...

if they want to get in touch with you or speak in the street or whatever they will.

Also as someone else says, your boys will see or get the chance to see or broach the subject with their dad.

Trust me no matter how you word this, whatever card, you'll be seen as the evil ex. No matter what happens. Even if some time has passed.

Opi sadly they are now your soon to be ex family, whilst I understand you motive and your wish you need to step away and let things settle.
Understandably your estranged husband's family have sided with him even though they know exactly what he's like.
It's now up to him and them to maintain a relationship with his younger children.
Please don't send that letter and add fuel to his fire.

I would go nc with all of them, I understand you liked them and got on well, but your ex us in the past and so are they. Presumably your ds will have contact with their dad, who will involve them in his family. Don't send the note, just leave it in the past and try to move forward.

So is it that you feel your X is 'poisoning' these people against you and they, in turn, are making remarks to your children?

I think that if they knew and liked you before the break up nothing he could say now would be able to convince them you were a 'bad person'. And if they do believe him, nothing you say will convince them that you are a 'nice person'. Especially if they are the kind of person to criticize a parent to a child or make 'remarks' in the child's hearing, no matter what the circumstances.

I haven't read all the posts on here do I'm sorry if this has already been covered but I did this with DS' fathers family. I wrote a hand-written note explaining how I wished for them to be involved in DS' life even if ex chose not to (I was 37 weeks preg at the time - ex was nowhere to be seen.

I left it completely open for them, I even drive 15 miles away just to personally give it to exes father. They made the effort once after DS was born and that was all.

I don't know to this day if it was shame that my ex completely vanished out of our lives and they felt embarrassed or whether they genuinely felt/feel there is nothing they can say to me since ex hasn't bothered seeing DS since he was 4 weeks old. I get the feeling it's a bit of both.

I signed and dated the letter and made a photocopy. I have stored the photocopy in a box for DS for when he is older. That way he will know I tried my best.

As the saying goes 'you can lead a horse to water'.

Best of luck

Hello and thank you for sharing your stories and opinions. I have been reading what you have all said very carefully, and especially to the bits that made me wince at the truth (aka where Ive been avoiding looking) (at myself) and I feel grateful. Very grateful.

I'm not going to send the note.

Thank you for giving me the chance to practice here. My goodness I feel so relieved, like a shouty dream when you wake up and are so very glad it was not real. Its been cathartic to write the note (the hours the redrafting out the anger before I even posted it), yet the most valuable part in this has been this opportunity to reflect...

and you have all helped me be heard and helped me find my dignity and strength again.

Those thoughts in the note are private. But they will be obvious in my actions, thoughts and heart. My boys know that I love all of who they are, and will help them keep in touch with their family when they visit dad, or by birthday cards if they don't.

I have learned so much today, here and outside of mumsnet too.

And this afternoon I was handed a job application form for a job I really wished would come available.

Think it's time to move on. Thank you for helping me get here xOpi

Thats fantastic op, it is time to move on, I know your sad about loosing them, but they are part of your ex, and you are not with him anymore. I am sure that your ex will help your boys keep touch with his side of the family. It is cathartic to write down your innermost thoughts and feelings, than put it away somewhere. This is a chapter of your life, you have to close now and move on .

Very best of luck opi

Catharsis is a wonderful thing. Sometimes all we need to do is say what we need to say, even if those we want to hear it never will.

I wish you the best of all good things. Peace to you and your family.

What a nice thoughtful update. Hope everything works out with the job.

You sound like an awesome person so dignified. Stay happy and enjoy life with your DSs x

Good luck with the job application opi. Glad the letter writing has helped. All the best for the future! :)

Brilliant- glad you found posting cathartic and you decided not to send the note.
I did something similar (nit nearly so serious a situation) and was really upset that the message was handed round for others to laugh at. It's a risky move when controlling people are involved, they will twist anything.
And the best way to get control back is to live your life and be yourself.
Feel stronger day by day, if you see the family in two days or two months, a cheery hello one time may lead to a chat later on, a birthday tea with the dc's in the future, or it may not. Living by your actions is the harder solution but it's the one that gives you control back.

Id leave it. Your ex can facilitate contact with his family.

I think you did the right thing by not sending the note, its almost like admitting you did something wrong in breaking up with your ex. You should be moving on with your head held high, not stopping to explain yourself to people who are not really involved. Good luck with your new life!

Well done op all the best! Sounds as things are looking up