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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to keep dd of school because I think she just needs a rest?

47 replies

Aubrianna · 09/03/2015 20:58

My dd is 4, and August baby and is in reception. She has had terrible trouble with wetting in school from nursery right through to now. She has been toilet trained at home but as soon as she is "out in the world" and away from home the wetting starts. She went through a really good phase not long ago where she went s couple of weeks with no accidents and I thought we had cracked it but then last week it started back up worse than ever.

On Friday she had 5 changes if clothes during the day, I had to take in more spares in the middle of the day and it was the same again.

I have taken her to the doctor who found no problem , we have spoken to the school nurse but the problem is actually her fear of being left. The accidents last week started when her teacher had to go to a meeting out of the classroom. If I work longer than normal hours it starts up again or gets worse and so on. She is very insecure.

She is the 4th of 5 children and the only one to have this problem.

I feel like I want to keep her home, hug her , read books, play and just remind her that I'm still going to look after her.i was thinking oh just keeping her home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday this week and just letting her be herself and not worry.

The school would never agree to this so I would have to call in and say she was I'll.

Would I be inreasonable to do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aubrianna · 09/03/2015 20:59

Off school - sorry for all the mistakes!

OP posts:
makesomenoise · 09/03/2015 20:59

She doesn't legally have to be in school til after her 5th bday so there's not much they can do if you choose to keep her off.

Cadenza1818 · 09/03/2015 21:01

She's 4. You can absolutely keep her home. There's no legal requirement for her to be in till 5. I have 3 summer babies and on odd occasions have had duvet days with them..they may not be officially I'll but I think it's valid. The accidents are hard
Poor kid and poor you
.Hope it improves :-D

BingBong36 · 09/03/2015 21:02

My boy is august born and due to start school in September and I will be keeping him off if he is too tired but I wouldn't make a habit if it.

getawaynow · 09/03/2015 21:07

If she was not ready for school why did you begin her so soon? August is very young for starting school in September. No wonder she is struggling. However taking random days off gives her the message that school is unimportant and gets her into bad habits for the future.

changingnameforthispost · 09/03/2015 21:08

Trust your instincts and keep her at home. She is telling you in her own way that life is a little overwhelming at the moment.

VinoTime · 09/03/2015 21:10

Oh OP, the poor wee thing Sad

I suppose the problem with keeping her off would be that she would still need to face school again on Monday. And you may find the cycle starts to repeat itself.

I don't have experience with this kind of thing per say so I'm not really sure what to advise. Have you tried a reward chart of sorts? No accidents during the day equals a small treat? Or would that just make the problem worse if she then felt bad about no reward?

Do you have any children's books to read to her about childhood anxiety? My little girl had a frightful time at her old school and used to have panic attacks at the thought of going to school - every morning. We eventually discovered her teacher had been bullying her but it was too late and the emotional damage had already been done. She is an incredibly emotionally anxious child now. We moved her schools in the end and she's so much happier, but still a worrier. I did however buy The Big Bag of Worries and she loves it. Whenever she gets herself worked up, we talk about her carrying all her worries around with her and what she should do with them. It has really helped. It's given her a visualisation and the mental tools she needs to throw her worries away, if that makes any sense?

How are the school? Are they at all supportive? Have they talked to you about putting steps into place to try and reduce how stressed she's clearly becoming?

Clawdy · 09/03/2015 21:13

getawaynow It's pretty unusual for people to keep their August-born children home till the September after they are five, so don't blame the OP,she is doing what is expected.

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 21:15

Op it's the bloody ridiculous system we have here of starting formal school so so young.

What's the reception class TA like? Could she/he possibly remind her to go regularly? But do it sensitively.

And yes keep her off if she's tired poor bunny. Looking at my knackered 15 year old dd doing mocks! Wink

TwoOddSocks · 09/03/2015 21:16

Not sure what your working hours are like but could she do half days (you're legally entitled to this)? A full day in a classroom is just too long for some of the younger ones. I would absolutely keep her off a few days, it's obviously just a little too stressful for her at the moment and a bit of a break might help.

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 21:16

And yes of course the op isn't in the wrong starting her dd. it's the norm here.

changingnameforthispost · 09/03/2015 21:16

I also totally disagree with getawaynow, my August born had days off in reception and throughout infant school, but has a combination of 10 A* and As at gcse and on target for top grades at A levels. Education is a marathon not a sprint and a few days tlc at home will probably have more impact in the long term than being hustled together with 29 other children all competing for the teacher's attention.

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 21:16

I'm a TA in an infant school and my first thought is that just turned 4 is too young to be starting school. The developmental difference between my DS1 (early October born) and his best friend (last day of August born) is huge. Even now they're in Y4, there's a noticeable difference between the two.

There's not a huge amount you can do about it bar supporting her more at home and talking through any worries, and asking school to support more (in terms of reminding her to use the bathroom, ensuring she's included in groups when she returns from bathroom breaks etc).

I don't know if it was a UK-wide thing but when I was a child there was always two intakes a year; the older ones in september, the younger ones after easter. I strongly believe that would be more beneficial. I wonder if any schools still offer it.

Original poster
Aubrianna · 09/03/2015 21:18

Thanks for the replies. She started in September because I was told she would have to start in year one if we delayed it a year. We have 3 older chidren at the school dd3 had the same teacher last year and she was fab.

The school have tried a few things like reward charts and getting a small prize if she uses the toilet all day (we have tried the same at home although it's more difficukt since she doesn't do it at home!) . These thing either don't work at all or work for a few days then just stop working .

OP posts:
Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 21:19

Hear hear changing totally agree with that.

calmexterior · 09/03/2015 21:22

YANBU

Sounds like she's a bit under the weather, trust your instinct and give her a wee rest.

sosix · 09/03/2015 21:22

Oh yes do it

getawaynow · 09/03/2015 21:23

I'm not from the UK and our cut off here for starting school is April. August just seems so young.

Callooh · 09/03/2015 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

getawaynow · 09/03/2015 21:27

Is your first year then like preschool or how long is she at school for? I just feel sorry for her as she is only wetting at school which is a little concerning. Classes sound very big too for children that young.

getawaynow · 09/03/2015 21:28

I mean how long is the day sorry?

Tadpoletoatoad · 09/03/2015 21:30

Hello, my dd is in reception and has just turned 5. For the first three months we had wee accidents nearly every day. I tired so hard to make light of it but it is very difficult. DD would also have an accident more frequently if her teacher or the TA wasn't there.

The TA agreed to reminding her regularly throughout the day and was quite forceful (at my request) if dd didn't want to go.

It transpired that dd really disliked the loos. She thought they were smelly (they were) and not very private (they aren't). School did a weekend make over and made the loos more welcoming. That helped greatly.

Then one day, after I'd give up hope, she came skipping to me that she had been by herself without being told to Smile. This has also coincided with her being less tired - this was a major factor.

So, give her a break and give her a day off. Try not too stress about it too much but that is hard to do. It will fall into place.

and I'm not at all stressing about my August born son who is 2.5 and not showing any signs of toilet training!

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 21:32

I did it with mine now and then Op. Do it.

TheFullGammon · 09/03/2015 21:35

keep her home, but I'm not sure about doing a whole 3 days solid, I'd worry it would then be difficult for her to separate next Monday.

Our school would fully support children doing half days or whatever they need to in YR. Are you sure yours wouldn't?

tilbatilba · 09/03/2015 21:35

What could be better than a few days at home with you? I wouldn't think twice about it. Enjoy your time together.