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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to keep dd of school because I think she just needs a rest?

47 replies

Aubrianna · 09/03/2015 20:58

My dd is 4, and August baby and is in reception. She has had terrible trouble with wetting in school from nursery right through to now. She has been toilet trained at home but as soon as she is "out in the world" and away from home the wetting starts. She went through a really good phase not long ago where she went s couple of weeks with no accidents and I thought we had cracked it but then last week it started back up worse than ever.

On Friday she had 5 changes if clothes during the day, I had to take in more spares in the middle of the day and it was the same again.

I have taken her to the doctor who found no problem , we have spoken to the school nurse but the problem is actually her fear of being left. The accidents last week started when her teacher had to go to a meeting out of the classroom. If I work longer than normal hours it starts up again or gets worse and so on. She is very insecure.

She is the 4th of 5 children and the only one to have this problem.

I feel like I want to keep her home, hug her , read books, play and just remind her that I'm still going to look after her.i was thinking oh just keeping her home Wednesday, Thursday, Friday this week and just letting her be herself and not worry.

The school would never agree to this so I would have to call in and say she was I'll.

Would I be inreasonable to do that?

OP posts:

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 21:36

And of course it will all be resolved in time op. Just keep the light at the end of the tunnel.

NurseRoscoe · 09/03/2015 21:37

See I have turned into quite a tough parent as I have found this is all that will work for my son. If I 'baby' him he reverts into being a baby, literally speaking like a baby, refusing to use the potty, asking me to feed him etc. I have to constantly motivate him to be a big boy, encouraging him to point out letters to me, count things etc and praise him loads whenever he does something independently. So I have to admit when I read this my first thought was Noooo it will only teach her to wet her pants if she doesn't want to go to school, most children generally would rather stay with mummy and have their full attention. Also that she would of had a year to get used to nursery and nursery to reception isn't that much of a huge transition in terms of content, from what I have gathered from others. Maybe rather than taking a step backwards and keeping her at home again, there may be other techniques you could explore to deal with the separation anxiety. Or alternatively, take her out of school completely for another year, if you don't feel she is ready yet.

BUT, you aren't me and your daughter isn't my son. What works for you and her is likely to be completely different to what works for us. Like others have said she isn't legally obligated to be in school so if you think it will help you have to do what you think is best, regardless of what anyone else says.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/03/2015 21:40

I would not keep her off for three days. one possibly.

have a look at the eric website for pants that are absorbant.

HollyAndIvyTime · 09/03/2015 21:41

Oh definitely keep her at home. Legally she doesn't even have to be there until September, so there's nothing the school can do.

My July born son is in reception and has only been going full time (was doing 4 days a week) since just before half term. It is so much for them at this age. I wouldn't worry for one second about setting precedents for the future - she is only 4, just do what is best for her right now. Good luck.

Manic3mum · 09/03/2015 21:42

If it were me I would perhaps collect early each day or every other day. Most schools have their 'academic' subjects in morning and more creative/arty subjects in afternoon. So if you were to say collect her at 2 and let her come home for a nap, she might feel more rested and less worried. Does her teacher not have any helpful input?

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2015 21:44

I completely understand why you want to do this and I would be tempted too in your shoes but I think you need to work with the school on a longer term strategy.
The other issue is that if you keep her off will you be able to get her to go back?

PunkrockerGirl · 09/03/2015 21:46

YANBU. It won't make the slightest difference in the long term. I did it with my boys even when the were a bit older than your dd and they were fine (23 & 19 now!)

Permanentlyexhausted · 09/03/2015 21:47

I think you need to decide what you're hoping to achieve by keeping her off. Your title suggests she is tired in which case keeping her off may be a good thing. However, you then go on to say the wetting is due to feeling insecure so I'm not sure how 3 days off school would actually help. You need to get it straight in your own mind before you decide what to do. I also agree with a PP who suggested absorbant pants because I can't imagine the anxiety of having accidents at school can be helping.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/03/2015 21:52

Yanbu

I'm 26 and born in September. The difference between me in reception and an August born was massive. My mum has always commented on it, that there's a huge difference between starting school almost 5 and starting school only just 4.

Doingakatereddy · 09/03/2015 22:30

I think that a 'deal with one thing at a time' approach may work.

Keep her home for snuggy day, next day take her out to get some new knickers & spare skirt (primark!!) Plus a few rewards presents (wilkinsons!) for making it to the loo or trying really hard at school.
My DS has just turned 5 and seems a lot you get than the September born children, the August borns in his class look like little babies - I just want to hug them!

Starlightbright1 · 09/03/2015 22:48

I had a child with separation issues. He struggled returning to school after holidays as he didn't like been separated from me. In the end the only thing that helped him was I said it was the law he had to go to school and told him I would think about him, say oh I did this and thought of you.

If you think it is tiredness and a couple of days off would help then do, if it is separation will it help having a couple of days off help? I would think another 5 days would make it worse.

I do remember when my DS was in reception I gave him a day off as he had been really ill all half term so thought he needed to have a fun day with me before school.

If you really think it will help do it.. You know your child best.

christinarossetti · 09/03/2015 22:57

I would keep her at home for at least one day to reduce her tiredness, but at the same time make a proper, formal appointment with the teacher/head of EYFS to talk about a longer term strategy.

Regular accidents aren't unusual in reception, but 5 in one day is. If she's that unsettled and tired, both you and the school need to be thinking of ways to reduce this.

Half days or pick up after lunch for a while would probably be a good idea. Or flexi-schooling ie a day off a week 'being educated' at home, if your working pattern is able to accommodate this.

At the absolute minimum, school need to be putting strategies in place to enable her to use the toilet with confidence/feel more secure.

Being tired makes everything so much harder for little ones. Maybe an earlier bedtime for a bit as well?

MrsCakesPrecognition · 09/03/2015 23:04

www.eric.org.uk/

eric is a fab organisation that supports families and schools coping with a variety of continence issues - it might be worth having a look around their website to see if there is anything useful for you or your DDs teachers.

MidniteScribbler · 10/03/2015 03:07

I don't have a problem with kids being kept off for a day if they are genuinely ratty and need a 'day off', but just make sure it is your choice when you keep her off, not hers. Don't let her start to ask for the day off when she wants it, or she'll start thinking she can stay home whenever she feels like it.

sleepywombat · 10/03/2015 04:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AggressiveBunting · 10/03/2015 05:57

When I was a kid there was a system called 'rising fives' where you did half days until the term you turned 5. Not sure if it was just certain schools that did it or why it doesn't happen anymore.

florentina1 · 10/03/2015 07:27

I had an August born prem baby. He found early years at school really tiring and in would occasionally let him have time off. His tiredness showed in stomach aches and diareoah. I would say listen to your instincts, you know your child best.

gymboywalton · 10/03/2015 07:32

i would keep her off

i have a late august born boy and i used to let him have days off when he was knackered in reception

i used to say to the teachers 'please remember that 2 weeks ago he was 3'

he is in year 7 now
he got level 5s across the board in his ks2 sats and is fully immersed in secondary school and achieving well.

escondida · 10/03/2015 09:40

I was never off school for illness & my mother used to phone me in sick anyway, once or twice a year; she called them mental health days. Just so I could mooch around, because she thought I was tired (and I suspect she fancied a day at home mooching around with me). YANBU.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 10/03/2015 10:07

The baby charity bliss recently met with the government to discuss delaying school for summer born and premature babies. My son was premature and I didn't delay him starting school but I wish I did now.

www.bliss.org.uk/starting-primary-school

jeee · 10/03/2015 10:12

When my eldest dd started school we were told that, during reception, tiredness was a valid reason for your child to miss a day of school. I doubt that any school can say this now. But I also doubt that children get less tired in the 10 years or so since dd started school. Certainly, I'd have no qualms at all in phoning in sick if I felt that my child was exhausted.

FWIW, dd used to vomit with exhaustion at the end of nearly every term.

dillite · 10/03/2015 10:40

My daughter is March born, so started school when she was 4,5. She was not ready to start full time yet, so I requested half days until she turned 5. She actually went back full time in January and has been very happy and is excelling in all of her targets.

Why can't summer babies start a year late and then just carry on a year behind? I started school at 8 (instead of 7 as I was supposed to), not in the UK admittedly, and just carried on from there.

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