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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry with my DH?

37 replies

LadyJayne25 · 09/03/2015 20:50

Advanced warning – this is a bit of a rant. I am a SAHM and my DH works very long hours, but not weekends. I therefore do all the childcare and housework for a 5 YO and very active 2 YO. I also run a small business from home.

Generally DH is very tired at the weekends and doesn't help with DCs or housework. DH says he is not comfortable taking the DCs out on his own as the toddler is pretty boisterous.We have no relatives close so I rarely have a break from childcare. I hardly ever go out in the eve.

This weekend one of DH's friends came to stay. I tidied up before he came, took the DCs out to get the weekly shop, cooked all the meals, put out snacks, did the washing up, made up the spare bed, looked after the DCS and made a picnic for the Sunday as we were planning a walk. All the time they sat on their backsides drinking beer or tinkered with DH's car.

After the walk we went for a drink at local pub where DH kept directing me to keep the toddler in check (but made no effort to look after the toddler himself). At one point I was looking away talking to the DCs and DH threw a packet of crisps (the ones in the heavier brown packaging) at me from across the bar. It hit me on the head and I felt so startled and humiliated. A woman at the next table gave me a really pitying look. DH thought it was hilarious.

After the friend had gone DH didn't thank me for looking after him or offer to help with the DCs, he announced he was tired and left me to tidy away the glasses, strip the bed and do the clearing up.

I feel like such a doormat and told DH l am utterly p*ssed off and feel completely taken for granted. He said IWBU as I didn't have to look after them all weekend and they would have helped if I asked. I think it should have been blindingly obvious and I shouldn't have to ask. What do you think - AUBU?

OP posts:
UncommonSense · 09/03/2015 20:52

He's a dick. Pure and simple.

Thanks
BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/03/2015 20:52

YANBU. But possibly played the marty a bit.Flowers

John4703 · 09/03/2015 20:52

I might be wrong to comment but I'd have helped, I looked after my four as toddlers and it is as easy for a man as a woman to do child care.
He needs to get a grip and do his bit.

Fairylea · 09/03/2015 20:52

Of course yanbu. He's a lazy toad!

He should parent equally during the time he is home. It shouldn't all fall on your shoulders.

I'd be livid too.

ChipDip · 09/03/2015 20:53

Yanbu, but why did you not ask them to do anything?

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 20:53

I think he is a lazy and selfish man who has no empathy whatsoever.

mummytime · 09/03/2015 20:53

YANBU - you are being a doormat.

Sorry I am a SAHM with a DH who works long hours. He also shared child care when they were younger, especially at weekends.

I would have a weekend off - go somewhere nice (or to visit a friend) and leave him with the kids.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/03/2015 20:55

You should have thrown the crisps straight back at him Angry

Stand up for your self

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 20:56

You are being made a mug of.

MsVestibule · 09/03/2015 20:57

He thought it was OK for you to run around after him and his friend all weekend, have sole responsibility of your young DCs and threw a packet of crisps at you? Er no, YANBU. When did he start behaving like this?

Bakeoffcake · 09/03/2015 20:57

No wonder you are fuming.

have a serious chat with him about the way he is behaving.

He needs to start being a proper dad and husband.

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 20:58

So you provide 24/7 child care and run a business from home, he pops out to work but is too tired to help with housework or look after his children! What does he bring the relationship?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 20:58

there is something really pathetic and unmasculine about a man who "isn't comfortable" with caring for his own children

DecaffTastesWeird · 09/03/2015 21:00

YANBU - that sounds horrible.

silverstreak · 09/03/2015 21:02

Yanbu. Sounds like he is taking you massively for granted bordering on taking the piss.... But then it doors coke across as though you're allowing it to happen! He might work long hours in the week so be tied at weekends but heck so are you if you're a sahm to two energetic wee ones - weekends, chores and childcare/entertainment should be shared and/or divided; Don't let him fob you off. My dp is like this - assumes it I don't ASK for help I don't want it, whereas my argument was/is that it should be blindingly obvious! It's not, so I ask.... Forget this time but Don't let it happen again... He knows he is getting away with it believe me!

NerrSnerr · 09/03/2015 21:03

He sounds dreadful. He's his children's father so should be able to care for his own children.

silverstreak · 09/03/2015 21:03

Hope my pp makes sense Op! I effing Hate anti correct!!

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 21:08

Sorry, I know he's your DH but what sort of adult "isn't comfortable" taking his own children out? The toddler is boisterous? Show me a toddler that isn't boisterous, you learn to handle/deflect it and as the most absent of the two of you, you'd think he'd want to spend at least a small part of his weekends bonding with his offspring.

Book yourself a weekend away, leave him in charge and pamper yourself hugely. You deserve a break and he deserves a kick to the nethers.

WineCowboy · 09/03/2015 21:08

That really makes my blood boil. But don't do it next time, agree he is B very U but why would he pull his lazy finger out if everything he ends is already done by you.

Go on strike. And yes, what a shit saying he's not comfortable taking his kids out, FFS. Angry

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 21:10

Also, when he next "directs" you to look after the children, direct him to fuck off and be a father. I know it's rude but seriously, giving you instructions? You're a grown woman with, essentially, three children and no support.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/03/2015 21:12

I think people treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Why did you do all of that? Just, why?

OhTheDrama · 09/03/2015 21:12

there is something really pathetic and unmasculine about a man who "isn't comfortable" with caring for his own children

I agree with this x100! I can never get my head round threads where the man thinks being the breadwinner is enough of a contribution to family life and he can excuse himself from everything else. You are selling yourself short excepting an attitude like this. Being married and having a family is a partnership. Your life sounds pretty stressful and grim whilst his sounds like a breeze. You need to make sure you start getting more time for you.

Original poster
LadyJayne25 · 09/03/2015 21:14

Thanks so much for responding. I spend so much time on my own or with children that I think I'm losing perspective and sight of what's acceptable. It was only when the crisp packet hit me that I started to wake up!

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 09/03/2015 21:15

How is he ever going to learn to be "comfortable" with his children if he doesn't spend time with them FFS

wrapsuperstar · 09/03/2015 21:16

there is something really pathetic and unmasculine about a man who "isn't comfortable" with caring for his own children

Oh my, this. It is an enormous turn off. Gross.

YANBU to be angry, but you would be very unreasonable if you didn't channel that anger into making sure you never allow yourself to be treated like this again.

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