Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss financial independence now I'm a sahm?

32 replies

exactchange · 09/03/2015 20:32

Since I've had to stop work due to a house move and child care being unaffordable, I'm reliant on my husband for the majority of my money. He is as generous as he can afford to be, but can't help making remarks about almost anything I buy, from the food shops to clothes (only second hand). I appreciate why he is like this (he has a phobia about debt) but I really miss having my own money. Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 09/03/2015 20:33

He can help commenting. He just stops.

turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 20:34

yy soloman

mindifidont · 09/03/2015 20:35

I think getting a job would make you feel better.

KateAdiesEarrings · 09/03/2015 20:37

I wonder if you'd still miss your financial independence if your DH wasn't trying to police your spending?

I would have hated it if DH had acted like that when I was a SAHM. However, we both knew we'd potentially have that clash so we agreed a monthly sum that would be transferred into my bank account. Then I could spend it how and when I wanted. DH didn't know the detail and if he attempted to comment, I put him in his place. See it as a childcare salary if that makes you feel better.

I'd also look into working from home so you can regain your financial independence.

PtolemysNeedle · 09/03/2015 20:38

YANBU, I think what you're feeling is pretty normal in your position, it's going to bring about new feelings for anyone who is suddenly dependant on or responsible for another adult.

Preciousbane · 09/03/2015 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 09/03/2015 20:40

I worked full time for 22 years (16 years living by myself) before becoming a SAHM. I do not consider myself financially dependent on DH, partly because he has never once made me feel that way.

I look after the bank account and generally decide what we can afford to do. He has no idea what is in the bank account. We each have our own discretionary spends (equal amount each) and neither of us questions how the other spends theirs.

Have you actually sat down together and done a budget? And out of interest, how did you manage your joint income before you became a SAHM?

Writerwannabe83 · 09/03/2015 20:41

YANBU - I absolutely hated being on Maternity Leave as I felt like I had to scrimp and justify every pound that I spent.

As soon as I fell pregnant me and DH put money aside every month so by the time DS was born we had a good maternity find that was intended for me during my maternity but I still felt really guilty spending any of it unless I was buying essentials. I felt like I couldn't use it to do any normal activities like get my hair cut, go out with my friends, buy myself new clothes etc. I felt like it wasn't my money to spend even though I'd contributed 50% of the total amount we had.

I started back at work last month and having my own money feels wonderful!!!

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 20:42

Generous? He's not doing you a favour by unloading all the expense of childcare on your. The majority of your money? What other source are you relying on, because I hope it's not your savings.

I'd get a job and the pair of you pay jointly towards childcare. Would not put up with being controlled like that.

redskybynight · 09/03/2015 20:42

I'd suggest sitting down with DH and working out a proper budget. Then agree as long as you are buying e.g. food within the budget he doesn't get to comment.

SolasEile · 09/03/2015 20:44

He shouldn't be commenting on what you spend. If you are a SAHM by mutual agreement then that's all there is to it. It's presumably financially advantageous to the family for you to be home so the discussion ends there. If it were a case of you choosing not to work for some self indulgent reason then that would be a different story. Is he happy with you being a SAHM?

I do know what you mean though. Not actually getting your own pay cheque every month is hard when you are used to earning.

WitchesGlove · 09/03/2015 20:44

Perhaps ask on the relationships board for advice there?

Your DH shouldn't make you feel like this.

Is there any work you could do from home or something just evening and weekends when DH is home to do the childcare?

TwoOddSocks · 09/03/2015 20:44

I don't personally but it's very much our money that we feel we have both contributed towards. (My husband couldn't possibly have the career he does if we were both working). If I felt my husband was being "generous" by giving me his money to spend I'd feel awful. That said I've recently started doing a little bit of tutoring work and it does feel good to be contributing towards the household income and to be getting a sense of achievement outside the home.

iwishicouldsing · 09/03/2015 20:45

I think it depends on how much money the household has now. If you are sharing money equally but there just isn't much spare money because you are living off one instead of two incomes then you both need to budget and discuss how money is spent. If there is plenty of money and your DH is spending freely, the situation is different and you may have become a sahp with someone who doesn't want to share and that is not a good position to be in.

MsVestibule · 09/03/2015 20:47

it's going to bring about new feelings for anyone who is suddenly dependant on or responsible for another adult.. Not for us. Perhaps because I didn't feel dependent on him, and he didn't feel responsible for me. We were a team - he earned the money and I looked after the children and did the odd bit of housework/shopping/cooking. I wouldn't have given up work if I'd have thought it would be any other way.

Fairylea · 09/03/2015 20:48

Eh? Generous? Surely it's all family money and you have equal access to it?!

I'm a sahm. We put all our income into a household account where all bills go out of and we leave a bit extra for days out and kids etc and then we transfer an equal amount each to our own accounts to be able to spend as we wish. I never "ask" dh for money.

Hillfog · 09/03/2015 20:52

If you could do with the extra money and would like to work have a look at Lionbridge or other similar companies if you could potentially work from home, computer literate etc.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/03/2015 20:58

Can you not take over the family finances now you are a sahm, you have the time to do it?
This has worked well for us and I have never felt like I had to explain purchases even when we were skint.
It's a bit like trust, and his comments are really saying I don't trust your judgement with our money.
Tell him to stop it right now and don't look at it as you are dependant on him financially.
You are both equal partners and you are saving a fortune in childcare, so not exactly doing nothing to contribute to family finances.
It has nothing to do with whether you work or not, he has to trust you to make financial decisions without sticking his beak in.

NickyEds · 09/03/2015 21:04

I think it depends largely on your set up pre-dc. Me and dp have always seen our money as our money, never mine and his so becoming a SAHM hasn't really affected that dynamic. I don't think that YABU at all though. I'd probably feel the same if my dp was the way yours sounds.

He is as generous as he can afford to be, but can't help making remarks about almost anything I buy, from the food shops to clothes (only second hand).

Do you both have equal access to all of the money? It sort of hints that you don;t given that he's being described as "generous". He can help making these remarks, he needs to just stop making them.

Toofat2BtheFly · 09/03/2015 21:08

I've just been made redundant ....my DH is taking great delight in my poverty , he places no value on childcare or housework ( well what else would I do with my day !) I'm about £60 away from begging and I hate it , I've had plenty of interviews and I'm applying for jobs everyday so I am trying .... It has really made me think about my marriage .. Where do u get those caring and sharing husbands from ??

When I get a job and my bank balance and confidence is restored I might just LTB !

Sorry , I hijacked your post but I feel better now , thanks Grin

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 09/03/2015 21:12

I'm in a similar position re being a recent SAHM but even though DH doesn't comment I do feel guilty about doending money on me. I know this is ridiculous and my issue to resolve, I'm not sure how to without going back to work (which is the medium term plan anyway)

MsVestibule · 09/03/2015 21:14

fly that sounds awful. Seriously, what sort of person takes delight in their wife being almost poverty stricken?

To answer your question, I found mine on match.com Grin.

Fairylea · 09/03/2015 21:25

Fly that sounds awful... have you married my ex dh? Our marriage went belly up when I found myself redundant and struggled to get another job and he begrudged giving me any money whatsoever. One particular gem was when he announced he wouldn't be putting any money into the food budget as he was quite content on pasta and tomato puree all week and he didn't see why dd and I couldn't manage the same - after he'd spent £200 on some shitty xbox game limited edition thing.

So that was the end of that (amongst other reasons) and I vowed my next partner would not be like that.

I met my very sensible and caring dh on plenty of fish! :)

Writerwannabe83 · 09/03/2015 21:26

That is terrible fly - it's disgusting that a man would treat his wife like that. I honestly can't believe it. I hope you find a job soon so the process of LTB can begin Flowers

Toofat2BtheFly · 09/03/2015 21:29

Ha , thanks ..... Proper open my eyes recently , moneyor lack of will do that !

Anywho , back to the op , I think you just need a bit of time to both find your feet with the new arrangement , you both want it to work so with some time and mutual respect for each other's. Job roles ( paid or otherwise) I'm sure it will .