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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is Ex-DH? Re custody

35 replies

DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:23

DH and I separated 8 months ago. We have 3 DC (3,7 & 10), I have been a SAHM since DD2 was born.

DH works full time so as the arrangement stands, I have DC during week and every other Friday night/Saturday day, so Ex has them Saturday eve through until Tuesday morning and full weekend every other.

During week he relies heavily on his DM to do school/pre-school runs for him.

He has a new girlfriend and is now saying that the arrangement is unfair and that I should have them Friday and Saturday nights, then he has them Sunday through until Wednesday.

I'm unhappy about this as it would be his mum who did the lions share and I don't work as I spend the weekdays looking after DC.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
waithorse · 09/03/2015 20:27

Is he planning on his dp doing the school run rather than his dm ?

kim147 · 09/03/2015 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:31

No I don't think so.

He says any sane person would realise how unfair the current arrangement is on him as he works all week then has DC all weekend. I did point out I have them for more hours per week than he does and he has every week day and every other Friday/sat to do as he pleases.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 09/03/2015 20:31

He is being unreasonable if he thinks you should have them every Friday and Saturday.

Alternate Fridays and Saturdays would be fair, and then on the weekends he doesn't have them on Friday and Saturday, he could have them Sunday till Tuesday or Wednesday.

Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:32

As it stands one weekend he has them Fri eve-Mon morn, then the following Sat afternoon-Tues morn

OP posts:
Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:34

I don't really want him to have them until Wednesday as it will be his DM looking after them and I don't work so as I can take care of them, it feels like I'm passing my job onto her.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/03/2015 20:35

YANBU the current arrangement seems fairer than what's being proposed.

Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:36

He says that he has no free time and any sane person can see how unreasonable the current arrangement is.....

OP posts:
TooSpotty · 09/03/2015 20:36

That would bother me as he seems to be suggesting he sees less of his kids than at present, assuming they have limited time together on days when he works.

googoodolly · 09/03/2015 20:38

Parents don't get the luxury of free te Grin

googoodolly · 09/03/2015 20:39

*time, oops!

PtolemysNeedle · 09/03/2015 20:39

Is he still financially supporting you to be a SAHM?

Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 20:40

He sees it as basically I get weekends free and he doesn't.

He says he works all week then has the DC all weekend and has no time for a life, whereas I do.....

OP posts:
kim147 · 09/03/2015 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooSpotty · 09/03/2015 20:45

How does he define a life?! I have my kids all the time, and also had my step kids all the time before I'd had children of my own. My husband and I have, through the great kindness of his parents, had precisely three weeks total alone together in seven years, including our honeymoon. When you have kids, you have to adjust bits of your 'life' and accept that. My heart does not bleed for him, but I feel rather sorry for your children, whose father doesn't want to see much of them so he can live the single dream instead.

Sidge · 09/03/2015 20:49

Why don't you do full alternate weekends? That is, Friday after school until Sunday afternoon.

That way you both get a weekend "off". He can always do a midweek night too.

yellowdaisies · 09/03/2015 20:49

I think splitting the weekends in half is fair. So either he has from Saturday teatime every week, or you alternate whole weekends. If he wants to do a Sunday night on the alternate weekends then let him, but beyond that it's getting into his DM actually doing the caring for them so not necessary.

Your current arrangement isn't giving him much of a weekend free any week, but what he's proposing isn't fair on you as it doesn't give you any weekend nights off.

Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 21:22

I'd be happy doing alternate weekends, but then he'd have to pay more maintenance... I'm suspicious he wants to keep his nights to a maximum so he doesn't have to pay more......

OP posts:
Original poster
DickensDog · 09/03/2015 21:24

I think he underestimates the work I put in during the week too.. It's a real slog at times.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 09/03/2015 21:30

the norm is every other weekend - that is what I would offer him.

olgaga · 09/03/2015 21:31

What is the best arrangement for the children? Especially the two at school. Do they have a view?

BlackeyedSusan · 09/03/2015 21:31

I think you should share weekends so that you get them one weekend and he gets them another, or you could do it so that he has them fri til sat eve, one week then sun am to mon am another week. if he has them until wednesday you could work those days though so that may work. his mum looking after them would be a positive thing, if she is reasonably capable. you both get free child care while you work then. win win. you are probably going to need to work to support yourself and the children unless he is extremely generous with the maintenence.

yellowdaisies · 09/03/2015 21:33

Does kind of depend how much you'd like to get a job though. What he's proposing could be useful if you do.

But still not reasonable of him not too have them any weekend nights, and it wouldn't give him much quality time with the kids either. I think most people find that it's best just to do alternate whole weekends really, then discuss separately how to care for them in the week.

Alternate weekends allows you both to get on with your lives really. It's fair, the kids know where they stand and you both get some quality time with them and some free time without

clam · 09/03/2015 21:33

"Any sane person" would agree with him? Bollocks.

olgaga · 09/03/2015 21:34

Friends of mine do EOW Fri-Sun 7pm, plus Thurs overnight each week. So EOW the NRP has them from Thurs after school until Sun eve at 7.

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