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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to give up my bed for people I don't know?

76 replies

Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 10:08

I live with my parents and nana with my DC. It's a fairly recent thing, so I can help look after nana, have support with my long term I'll health, company for me and the kids, help with bills for them, etc. We were staying over all of every weekend anyway and nearly everything about it has been a really good idea.

Me + kids live in what were the spare room/storage/office and the room where my youngest sister stayed when she visited (she was the last to leave home but she left uni nearly a year ago and lives the other side of the country, staying with her boyfriend when she does visit). Other sister lives with her boyfriend nearby now, she did used to live far away too and stay over in one of the two rooms but now she just visits most days.

Part of the agreement of me moving in was that I would make room for some of youngest sisters stuff and make my room available if she (or other sister) wanted to stay over. This is fine, I have a double sofa bed and my three quarter bed in my room, and I can jump in with the kids or sleep on the soda bed in Nanas front room if for whatever reason we don't want to share a room (eg if a boyfriend comes too)

All lovely.

HOWEVER.

My Dad informed me with two weeks notice that I need to tidy and declutter my room, because his friend, her boyfriend and their two dogs are staying a night.

My kids are at home that night, so I either have to sleep on their floor or downstairs out of earshot, with two strangers and strange dogs next to the kids room. My cats stay in my room overnight and have their litter tray and beds in my room so I will have to move those and hope the cats don't wander in and get eaten.

We are a very welcoming family, not providing what we could to a guest is just not how we do it, but up to now I've only had people I know in my room.

I can't refuse now, it's all arranged, but AIBU to be miffed when my dad keeps telling me to declutter?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 17:15

If they are leaving early, they would be better off on the sofa anyway, surely?

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 17:30

Could you de-clutter the children's room and let the guests have that? The kids could then camp in with you.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 09/03/2015 17:38

You are awfully cramped compared to your previous living arrangements. Confused

Still, if you are happy and well (and you do seem to be) then who am I to judge?

I do think your Dad is being a bit unreasonable, given that you are making a very significant contribution to the running costs of the house though. We doesn't he give up his room for these friends? Hmm

Or they should just get a B&B for the night like normal people. I can't imagine being that much of an imposition on another family for the sake of the cost of one night in a flipping B&B. If they can afford to swan off on motorbike rallies they can afford to pay for their own bed for the night.

eurochick · 09/03/2015 17:53

It wasn't part of the deal so your dad is going back on what was agreed. Say no, on this basis.

fakenamefornow · 09/03/2015 17:59

Do the guests know you are being asked to move out of your bedroom for them? When they come make sure they know this and that your dad insisted on it and that your dad is there when all this is said (if you can manage to say all this nicely and just dropped into a conversation). Your dad is being vu and maybe he needs to see how horrified his friends are (as any normal person would be) to open his eyes to this.

Or better still, just say no.

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2015 18:04

say no, your dad cn give up his room or offer them the sofa.

your dad still sees you as a child in his house, not someone who is sharing hte house with him and paying their way. If you are paying your way, and providing care for your Nana, you are more than equal to him. But he doesn't see you as equal, hense telling you to clear your room and give up your bed.

If he doesn't want you to rent the spare rooms and therefore have use of them, then he shouldn't accept your money and suggest you move out.

Weebirdie · 09/03/2015 18:06

You seem like a good family unit with everyone mucking in to help each other out and more to the point you're health is better than when you lived alone. You have even said you are happier and for this reason I would give up the room for the night but find a way to bring the subject up in the future, once you are not afraid of rocking the boat (and it is ok to be afraid), and see if there's another way round this in the future.

You're nan is lucky to have you :)

AntiHop · 09/03/2015 20:04

Are you sure you can't claim housing benefit to live there?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 20:24

I told my mum that dad is getting annoyed at me in this issue and she was outraged - she says I contribute more financially and practically to the house than he does, even though I have kids and a disability.

She also told me to just ignore him and that it is up to me if the friends have my bed but she thinks it is a bloody stupid idea to have the dogs in the room.

So I think I might have got my Dad in trouble...

OP posts:
deliprancer · 09/03/2015 20:30

I'm trying to understand your Dads perspective because I think he's being unreasonable but why?
The decluttering aspect is interesting as I wonder whether he either is concerned with the amount of stuff you have (is there a genuine issue with 'stuff' maybe related to your mental health?) OR he is seeing your normal amount of stuff (in fairly cramped conditions) as getting in the way of his own life because he feels he doesnt want to share his house.
Tbf - I doubt he pictured his middle/later years as being a landlord to both his mother/mil and his poorly daughter and children. That's not to say he should be allowed to domineer but it's maybe a reason why he's being unreasonable.

deliprancer · 09/03/2015 20:32

P.s there's no way my children would be in a room away from me with strangers/dogs the other side of the door.

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 20:40

You are paying £70 for lodgings for three people in two rooms and contributing to the grocery bill, so excellent value for money. Not a market rent so HB is unlikely.
You need caring for and your family (mum?) provides this, you some times care for Nana. Your parents accept your cats.
Interesting that Dad uses 'de-clutter' regarding your room. A couple of nights sharing with your children in either room so your dad can have friends to stay is what family's do.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2015 21:07

So your dad hadn't even told your mum about all this? He deserves to be in trouble with her then!

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 09/03/2015 21:14

Could you not sleep in a blow up mattress in the children's room? And insist the dogs stay downstairs.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2015 21:38

You could always invest in a comfy chair bed (you can get comfy single ones shaped like armchairs).

I am going back now on my earlier stance and its your home for now so your DF shouldn't really ask you to move rooms or give up a bed especially if you have a disability. I think a good talk all round could work as I don't think you really want to move out - though it may come to that.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2015 21:40

I just saw the dogs part. What a bloody cheek! Not thinking of your cats are they?! And are the dogs safe, well behaved etc?!

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2015 21:43

Also you do really need to speak re friends staying. Surely your parents can have friends as well as family stay surely even you could have friends stay, if this arrangement is to work longterm. Don't forget (in a nice way) this is the house your parents have bought as well as now your home.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/03/2015 21:49

oo I like your mum. seems like your dad is going to be in the dog house.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 22:01

People staying over is fine. Just not strangers in my bed with their dogs... :-D

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 09/03/2015 22:13

People staying over in your bed is NOT fine! Not if you are a paying lodger. With pets etc.
You would benefit from reiterating the rules with your dad. YOU didn't get him in trouble, HE got himself in trouble, with your mum.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 22:32

I think £280 + £70 for 2 private rooms, shared facilities and utilities is not that cheap actually depending on area. Certainly if those private rooms have to be given up on someone else's whim it's not cheap. It's mutually beneficial too.

your dad is bu.

ouryve · 09/03/2015 23:13

I'm glad your mum is being sensible. Your dad is forgetting that you're a lodger.

And yes, slithy it is variable around the country- you can rent a 2 bed house for around £350, where I live. (And our mortgage on similar 2 bed house was nowhere near that!)

Notmeagain1 · 09/03/2015 23:16

Stand your ground OP. You are an adult with children paying rent. Dont budge this time or there will be a next time.

You mum sounds wonderful, btw. Wink

NeedABumChange · 09/03/2015 23:38

YABU to have a litter tray in your bedroom!!!

YANBU in the de litter situation though. You pay rent, it's your room. You decide who stays there and should certainly be asked rather than told about guests.

NobodyLivesHere · 10/03/2015 02:06

There is no way on earth that I'd have dogs sleeping anywhere near my bed. No way. No how.
Yanbu