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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to give up my bed for people I don't know?

76 replies

Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 10:08

I live with my parents and nana with my DC. It's a fairly recent thing, so I can help look after nana, have support with my long term I'll health, company for me and the kids, help with bills for them, etc. We were staying over all of every weekend anyway and nearly everything about it has been a really good idea.

Me + kids live in what were the spare room/storage/office and the room where my youngest sister stayed when she visited (she was the last to leave home but she left uni nearly a year ago and lives the other side of the country, staying with her boyfriend when she does visit). Other sister lives with her boyfriend nearby now, she did used to live far away too and stay over in one of the two rooms but now she just visits most days.

Part of the agreement of me moving in was that I would make room for some of youngest sisters stuff and make my room available if she (or other sister) wanted to stay over. This is fine, I have a double sofa bed and my three quarter bed in my room, and I can jump in with the kids or sleep on the soda bed in Nanas front room if for whatever reason we don't want to share a room (eg if a boyfriend comes too)

All lovely.

HOWEVER.

My Dad informed me with two weeks notice that I need to tidy and declutter my room, because his friend, her boyfriend and their two dogs are staying a night.

My kids are at home that night, so I either have to sleep on their floor or downstairs out of earshot, with two strangers and strange dogs next to the kids room. My cats stay in my room overnight and have their litter tray and beds in my room so I will have to move those and hope the cats don't wander in and get eaten.

We are a very welcoming family, not providing what we could to a guest is just not how we do it, but up to now I've only had people I know in my room.

I can't refuse now, it's all arranged, but AIBU to be miffed when my dad keeps telling me to declutter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 10:33

The thing is, apart from the dogs and the having to declutter, I probably would have offered anyway. It's tge having to change my living space.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 10:33

I think you are being a bit U tbh. It's one night, and you and your children are currently occupying all the spare rooms in your parents' house.

WayfaringStranger · 09/03/2015 10:38

YANBU at all but it's an unusual set up you have. How good is your relationship with your dad? I wonder if you'll be able to bargain and set some ground rules.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 10:50

It's like some kind of supported housing :-)

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2015 10:54

"Part of the agreement of me moving in was that I would make room for some of youngest sisters stuff and make my room available if she (or other sister) wanted to stay over."

"My Dad informed me with two weeks notice that I need to tidy and declutter my room, because his friend, her boyfriend and their two dogs are staying a night."

Your father is being VERY unreasonable here. This is not part of the agreement. I would imagine that if your sisters stayed over, there would be no 'decluttering', they would just take it as they found it.

You have moved in, this is your home. You are contributing money and practical help to the family pot. It doesn't sound as if your dad has fully taken on board that the household has changed. You are not a visitor any more. Whilst you are willing to host your sisters in your room, you should be no more expected to make way for HIS friends and their dogs than your nana would be.

Seriously, if your dad wants to host his friends, his is the bed to be given over to them, not yours.

Sadly, I think you're going to have to discuss this with your father. He is in the wrong here.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/03/2015 10:59

YANBU you contribute to the bills. Say no to your dad.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/03/2015 11:05

YANBU that was not the arrangement. Can't they sleep on the floor!

PurpleSwift · 09/03/2015 11:05

This room isn't just spare room anymore though. It's not spare. It's now your room. It can't just be offered out to anyone. I think you need to sit down and explain to them that this is now your home. You are not just a visitor. You shouldn't have to give up your room to strangers and I don't think yabu.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 11:13

I should add, they are staying over so they can all set off early together for a motorbike rally, they aren't delicate flowers :-D

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 09/03/2015 11:15

Why aren't you listening, OP???? Loads of people have told you to say 'no - and you are just ignoring them. Why don't you just say 'no'?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 11:16

I think I will do. It's not everyone saying I'm NBU though, just wanting to see what people say and build up courage.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 09/03/2015 11:20

So this was just a 'rant' thread yes? You should have said then all these people wouldn't have bothered telling you YANBU and offering advice as to how you can proceed. Every single person here has told you to stand up for yourself but you don't seem to want to. So what DO you want?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2015 11:33

That's harsh FarFromAnyRoad. And quite a few posters early in the thread thought the OP should give up her room, suck it up etc. She was given a range of opinions.

And I really don't see this as a 'rant thread'. It is exactly what AIBU is for - you think you're right, but there's a nagging doubt that you might not be. Sometimes, we need our sense of what's the right thing to do to be validated for us - just to confirm that we ANBU. We also appreciate other people's opinions on what would be the most successful approach to take.

IreneA78 · 09/03/2015 12:03

£70 incl utilities doe not sound anywhere near market rent.It's your parents house -you have to do as your father asks.

gamerchick · 09/03/2015 12:23

From what I counted the OP is paying the 70 plus half food shop plus 70 quid month bill. Enough not to be turfed out of her bed in a whim imo.

Unless I've counted wrong

Thumbwitch · 09/03/2015 12:28

I agree with you OP.

It's not a spare room any longer. I think if these people want an early start from your parents' house, then they should camp on the living room floor, or bring a tent - your room is not available.

You're paying a reasonable whack towards the living costs of the house, that should give you some rights to your own room.

Chumpster · 09/03/2015 12:31

Well said Whereyouleftit

TeWiSavesTheDay · 09/03/2015 12:38

I think you should say no too.

your room and your DCs room are your own and if you share them with anyone else that is your decision not your Dads.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 09/03/2015 12:42

I think YANBU.

You pay to live in the house, it is a mutually beneficial arrangement. Your father cannot having you paying your way, and consider you still a 'visitor' who can be shunted around at his convenience.

Tell him no.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 14:23

I was paying £525 rent a month on my old (3 bed 2 reception) house, but I got £400 housing benefit too. Plus £140 pm on utilities and the Internet bill. So it's not all that different from my point of view. plus mum and dad weren't getting any rent (obv) before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 09/03/2015 14:26

Well, it is different in that I'm paying more, but it's not too far off.

OP posts:
Thisishowyoudisappear · 09/03/2015 14:35

Perhaps you could give up your room on this occasion (as it's only one night) and use it as an opportunity to have a chat with your dad, making it clear that it won't be happening again? I do think YANBU though, and you would not be U to refuse to give up your room.

Do the dogs have to stay in your room overnight, or if so do they have crates they could stay in?

What does you mum say?

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 09/03/2015 14:56

If they're your dad's friends why isn't he giving up his room?

SuperFlyHigh · 09/03/2015 15:04

Would it make sense long-term to look into financing an extension/loft conversion or a split with some sort of wall of one the bigger bedrooms so there is more room/extra spare room?

otherwise move out. It sounds as if your DF won't shift on having people to stay.

You are effectively getting quite a good deal though, 2 bedrooms for your and the DC. I knew a friend who stayed with her parents for about 1 year or so with her 2-3 year old DD, they shared a small double room and the spare room (larger double) was kept as that, a spare for guests.

fuddleduck · 09/03/2015 17:10

I'd let it go just this once as you say it's already arranged. I wouldn't "de-clutter" though as presumably this means throwing your belonging away and I don't think that's fair, just have a bit of a tidy round. Then when the guests have gone I would sit your parents down and re-visit the ground rules you set when you first made this arrangement. Tell them you really like living there but that you don't feel you should have to give up your bed for anyone who isn't family. If your parents won't agree to this then you need to decide whether the benefits of living there are worth it.

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