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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just 'chill' everytime I'm home and not at work now, rather than do any of the chores

75 replies

CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 19:33

Because DH seems to think that it's ok to do this and that I'm being unreasonable to object to doing everything house and child related at weekends and evenings by myself, despite the fact that we both work.

This weekend I have done all of the housework, laundry, online food shop, putting the food away when it arrived, and everything with the kids. I have pulled him up on this, as I do every time he behaves this way, and he said he is "chilling" and that "weekends are for chilling"

I have said today that from now on I will spend all my time at home just "chilling" and he will soon complain about the state of the house and the fact that he has no clean clothes, and that the kids are still running around the house at 11pm as no one has bathed them and put them to bed.

He seems to think I'm being unreasonable.....

OP posts:

nottheOP · 08/03/2015 21:57

If he's going to be pathetic, treat him as such. So, h do you want to cook dinner or hoover? Dust or sort out house insurance?

Fwiw, we both work ft. Dh cooks , food shops and washes up. Ds bedtime is taken in turns.

I do laundry, admin, tidying.

Saturday we clean. I do all dusting, bathrooms and clear floors so dh can do floors.

It's teamwork and unfair any other way. If he refuses, just look after yourself and dc. No laundry service etc. You have to drive that message home.

Scrumbled · 08/03/2015 22:17

I would not be cooking or washing for the lazy arse.

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 22:20

You shouldn't have to do all of it. I agree with getting a cleaner in if you can afford it. He should be doing something. Say I will do this and that and you will do this. Put it on a rota. If you both work full-time he should be doing a share. Saying all that I tend to be a bit neglectful of chores myself. And if somebody else always did them I'd let them get on with it. . So you need to kick up a fuss.

Didactylos · 08/03/2015 22:28

could not stand this either op
a previous DP did this - he would be sitting in his self created squalor every weekend (in my house) waiting for me to cook when I came in from a 10 hrs shift with an hour + commute each way (plus I did all the shopping and paid for it too ). Sadly mumsnet did not exist and the word cocklodger was not in my lexicon then....

everyone gets bloody tired after a days work - dp and I both work full time but when we get in (whatever time that might be) you have to just muck in: everyone needs fed, homework, kids need cleaned and certain basic tasks - dishes, bins, washing, clean bathroom are essential. So we share it out, and don't even need to discuss most of the time its just automatic that while one of us is getting kids to bed the other will be cleaning up - then when everyone is asleep we might just get some chillout time together

was it always like this or is the 'double shift' thing something that crept up on you?

Metalguru · 08/03/2015 22:29

What time does he need to get up for work? DH has chosen to be lazy this weekend and do nothing, fair enough but I will be waking him at 6 and we will both have to get up and sort the house out as it won't do it itself! Doing household chores before work on a Monday morning may change your DH's attitude :)

SASASI · 08/03/2015 22:50

YANBU

I'm currently on maternity leave but back to work soon so I've been telling DH he needs to start pulling his weight more again.

I'm forthright though ie I say 'are you changing DS nappy or putting away the clean clothes? Pick one because sitting on your arse doing nothing isn't an option'. He'll sigh & be a bit of a tube but he does it.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2015 22:56

Sorry OP, but you don't understand the most important thing. He has a penis. Therefore he is excused any domestic work, because that's what you are for.

I'm afraid that really is his attitude. He thinks that, because you don't have a penis, you are not fully human: you are his servant.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/03/2015 23:00

Let me guess OP, you fantasise about having a non emergency hospital stay of a week so you can just sleep and do nothing?

Is he a much higher earner or is his knob made of gold that he thinks he doesn't have to do his fair share? Neither is any sort of excuse.

If you have a joint account arrangement with equal spending money every month I'd be arranging to deduct the cost of a cleaner 5 hrs a week. £200 out of his back pocket a month so he can chillaxe might liven his ideas up.

cerealqueen · 08/03/2015 23:08

He is a lazy selfish arse.

Stop doing anything for him. No washing, no cooking, nothing.

Ask him what he contributes to family life, apart from money, which you both do. If he won't contribute, then time for him to go and be a bachelor in his own man pit, as that is what he wants.

christinarossetti · 08/03/2015 23:13

If you can bear it, then yes just 'chill' during evenings this week and next weekend.

Or do the things that are important eg washing school uniforms, your clothes and go out for a quiet drink/coffee with a friend late afternoon Saturday and plan to return later that evening.

Or go away by yourself for the day/weekend.

His behaviour is outrageous - but I'm not sure how best to get that across to him.

SylviaPouncer · 09/03/2015 06:56

Have you downed tools yet? What's the response so far?

gobbin · 09/03/2015 07:06

How about having a disussion with him about the ineqality of the workload round the house and give him specific tasks to do e.g. the bins (as before) plus the washing up and hoovering (i.e. things that are minimal fuss, not time/child critical but do ned doing) and let him get on with those while you do the rest for now.

We have division of labour here and it works. My DH would not be seen dead with a hover, but he does bins, does the washing/putting away (I iron anything essential) and sorts the dishwasher. It's specific, time-limited task-and-finish and he copes well with it

gobbin · 09/03/2015 07:08

In my friend's house they have 'tidy half hour' every week where EVERYONE does something e.g. cleaning, hoovering, bunging a wash on etc which doesn't sound like much, but because there's four of them that's equiv to 2 hours work and loads gets done.

Morelikeguidelines · 09/03/2015 07:11

Yanbu to chill at weekends. Don't start saying you are actually not going to now.

A cleaner might not do everything but would be a start.

ocelot41 · 09/03/2015 07:43

I found it helped to have designated three hour slots where DH and I took turns to be 'off' so he couldn't complain that he never had any down time. After that, you are assumed 'on' and must do jobs accordingly. It was a long hard fight but I think -5 years on- we are getting there now. That kind of resentment is marriage poison, it really is!

SolidGoldBrass · 09/03/2015 20:59

You do need to point out to him firmly that not only is his selfish, lazy attitude putting you off sex with him (because it gets progressively harder to feel any sexual interest in someone who considers you less than human) but that it is making you think seriously about ending the marriage, because you deserve a partner, not someone who thinks he is your boss/owner.

crje · 09/03/2015 21:06

Send him back to his mother and ask for your money back.

Not acceptable at all.

This from me who either does 100% or 50% of household jobs
It's shit to have to argue about it.

On a side is it just only heterosexuals have these arguements. I'd love a wife !!!

unexpectediteminbaggingarea · 09/03/2015 21:44

op, me and dh both work full time (shift work). we both had today off. I got up with the kids and sorted them out, took them to school. left the house looking like it had been burgled - cereal bowls, pyjamas, toys everywhere etc. dh got up and tidied the house, did the washing up, put a wash on. a bit later he popped out to the shops and I hoovered and mopped. He's gone out tonight, and I'm having a chilled out night, and I know he'll tidy the kitchen and wash up etc tonight when he gets home. We definitely bicker about division of labour sometimes, but it comes from a starting point of completely shared responsibility. Your dh is acting like my 6 year old (and I think that's unacceptable from a child, let alone a grown man). If I was you I'd stop buying him food and cooking him meals and washing his clothes until he stops acting like a dick. You're not a doormat, throw that shit back in his face.

Morloth · 09/03/2015 21:50

So the kids and yourself gave to be fed and clean.

Do only what is necessary to make that happen.

And the chill. If he whines, repeat what he said about work and weekends back at him.

Notcontent · 09/03/2015 21:58

This is really hilarious but actually quite depressing because I think there are so many men with that attitude, and they probably donx't even realise what is involved in running a household with kids...

Chilling... Of course we all want to chill, but some of us have to do two jobs - the one outside the home and then the second shift at home... And actually, even if you have a cleaner, there is still heaps of stuff that needs to be done to keep a household running.

Original poster

CrystalBarbs · 09/03/2015 22:18

Well I have to say I've had a bit of a laugh to myself tonight!

Got home from work before DH so got tea for the DCs and then sat at the computer. DH walked in the door and I said "Oh I'm so glad you're home now, I'm so tired, I'm chilling for the rest of the evening" then I plonked myself in front of the telly!

To be fair, he did take the hint and bathed the DCs. I have sorted the uniform for tomorrow for the DCs but I thought, as some of you have suggested, that I will just do essentials for the DCs and I, and just leave anything non essential or anything that benefits him.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2015 07:51

Yay! Now do that again tonight.

mayfridaycomequickly · 10/03/2015 07:56

Well done op - what did dh do for his dinner last night?

GoooRooo · 10/03/2015 08:04

Haha well done OP.

I resorted to lists for a while. I'd write a huge list of "my" jobs - which included cleaning, cooking, sorting out DS, all our finances, caring for the pets, laundry etc etc and on his list there would be "mow the lawn"... that's it.

Then I'd put the lists side by side on the kitchen table. Very quickly he realised how much he didn't do and the balance shifted.

Suzannewithaplan · 10/03/2015 09:01

Great idea Goo, although I'd have been tempted to write both lists up in chalk on a huge blackboard :o

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