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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just 'chill' everytime I'm home and not at work now, rather than do any of the chores

75 replies

CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 19:33

Because DH seems to think that it's ok to do this and that I'm being unreasonable to object to doing everything house and child related at weekends and evenings by myself, despite the fact that we both work.

This weekend I have done all of the housework, laundry, online food shop, putting the food away when it arrived, and everything with the kids. I have pulled him up on this, as I do every time he behaves this way, and he said he is "chilling" and that "weekends are for chilling"

I have said today that from now on I will spend all my time at home just "chilling" and he will soon complain about the state of the house and the fact that he has no clean clothes, and that the kids are still running around the house at 11pm as no one has bathed them and put them to bed.

He seems to think I'm being unreasonable.....

OP posts:
Nolim · 08/03/2015 19:54
Grin
Original poster
CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 19:55

Thanks those of you that have been supportive in your replies.

I'm quite surprised that some are trying to find excuses for his behaviour. There is never any excuse to do absolutely nothing ever, in my opinion.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 08/03/2015 19:59

Of course there's no excuse. We all want to spend the weekend just chilling, but because we aren't five we just have to get on with it. How can he just sit there while you do everything? Does he not give a shit that he is stealing your time?

Totality22 · 08/03/2015 20:05

Re: people trying to find excuses for him - maybe people are trying to find excuses as to why you are still with a man who treats you like an unpaid maid..... because to are the one enabling this shit to happen OP.

tinklykeys · 08/03/2015 20:07

It seems utterly ridiculous that you do everything when you both work fulltime! If you could get him to agree, could you both team up and get as many 'chores' done as possible on Sat, so you can both chill (as far as possible with children!) on Sunday...?

I don't know how you can persuade him though. What's his justification for exempting himself from all of this? I do all the housework in our house, but I'm a SAHM. If I was working I'd feel quite different!

Original poster
CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 20:08

Well that's a possibility, Totality.

I just have a feeling that if a man posted on here saying his wife did absolutely nothing in the house everyone would immediately say she was a lazy cow and no consideration would be given to her commute/working hours/full time or part time status/tiredness

OP posts:
tinklykeys · 08/03/2015 20:09

And a big yes and amen to everything solomondaisy said!!

Original poster
CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 20:09

Tinkly, his justification is because he "works"

OP posts:
Nolim · 08/03/2015 20:18

Not trying to justify the husband but hiring a cleaner for a few hours per week to do the bulk of the chores may actually be a good idea.

WaxOnWaxOff · 08/03/2015 20:18

He doesn't need an excuse or any justification.

He knows you'll do it all whether he has the best excuse in the world or no excuse.

And he's right, it works, you do it all.

tinklykeys · 08/03/2015 20:21

Well what does he think you do? And why is it ok for you to never have a break? (Questions I'm sure you've asked already!).

How does he treat you generally? Is he kind and considerate? Just he sounds very self absorbed!!

Sorry none of that helps you but in summary YaDnbu and I'm sorry because it sounds really hard for you Sad

loveblackcats · 08/03/2015 20:22

do eff all, and then he will wish he hadn't said chill

youreawillja · 08/03/2015 20:24

op are you me???Grin

100% recognise this and know that it comes from the pil who now think it is my job to nag do into doing stuff. I work ft too, part of it from home, and now take the stance of "if you don't like it, you do something about it!!" makes the moaning less anywayGrin Grin

Brummiegirl15 · 08/03/2015 20:26

I fully admit though Crystal that I don't have dcs (not for bloody want of trying after 3 x mc's ) so my reply probably isn't representative of what needs to happen in a house.

My view has always been the world won't end if the ironing hasn't been done etc. but I do know that when (if!!) we have dcs it will be very very different.

I guess I feel a bit resentful because I'm made to feel lazy when actually doing all the washing, cleaning out the cats and cooking from scratch pretty much every single night after working all day seems to count for nothing - as though I do nothing apart from sit on arse.

Original poster
CrystalBarbs · 08/03/2015 20:28

The world won't end if the ironing isn't done, that's very true, but I can't send kids off to school with no lunch, or no clean uniforms, or leave them to cook their own meals at night.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 08/03/2015 20:35

So hang on, when he says 'because I work' as a reason for not doing housework, I assume you've said 'but so do I! So why is the housework my task but not yours?' I don't see how there is any possible answer for that other than 'I think it's beneath me, but not you as you're a lesser person than me'. Angry

Likewise, next time he has the nerve to moan that the place is untidy or washing not done, the obvious reply is 'why don't you do it then?' If the reply is 'because I work' then just refer to loop above.

Definitely stop all the stuff for him. I would keep up the kids' packed lunches etc for now, but I'm damned if I would wash another garment of his or make him a sandwich even while he has this attitude.

TendonQueen · 08/03/2015 20:38

Brummiegirl don't keep it inside, say it! Next time it comes up, say 'but I do A, B and C so actually I think it's only fair if you do the ironing' (or whatever).

Suzannewithaplan · 08/03/2015 20:42

but I can't send kids off to school with no lunch, or no clean uniforms, or leave them to cook their own meals at night
and because of that he has you over a barrel, he knows he can get away with it, there's no way that you can make a stand without the children suffering.

It's the eternal problem, the man who thinks that domestic and childcare work is 'womens work' and therefore beneath him.

MorelloKisses · 08/03/2015 20:50

Grey, this has made me so cross...I am fuming with your H.

OP you have to sort this out. It is clearly him being U, but you have to take responsibility for allowing it... you can only change your own behaviour etc....

When you point out to him what little respect for you and your children his behaviour demonstrates, what is his reaction?

Panzee · 08/03/2015 20:59

CrystalBarbs I wasn't sympathising with anyone. I just read that your husband said he was tired, then thought about how destroyed I feel after work, then realised I don't do much when I get in. And wondered if this makes me a lazy arse, or on the verge of collapse.

ManOfSpiel · 08/03/2015 21:18

Sorry OP but your oh sounds like a lazy sod and needs a kick up the backside.

Since having kids my wife has tended to do more housework but is because she wanted to be a sahm. I still try to do as much as I can but being at home naturally lends itself to doing a greater share. She went away with the kids this weekend so I cleaned the house from top to bottom, washed, ironed, shopped and cooked them dinner for when they walked through the door.

I'm no saint but you have to pull together to keep the house ticking over.

The housework in our home is a bit unbalanced but if you're both working full time then it should be 50/50 at the very least.

Personally I'd give him an ultimatum. He can either spend the foreseeable future (until you've decided you've had a long enough break) with roles reversed (including all the kids stuff). Or you're kicking him out, so he can live on his own and do his own housework. Either way he's going to do some chores. It just depends on whether he wants to do them as part of a family or on his own.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/03/2015 21:25

Just look after yourself and the DCs.
Do NOT do anything for him: no shopping for his food, cooking, laundry, ironing, sorting out clothes etc
If he has his own little cubbyhole or hobbyroom, don't tidy or clean it.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2015 21:27

Your current situation is, quite obviously, not remotely fair or acceptable.
I think your 'shall I just chill?' Is wishful thinking, rather than something you can actually follow through on because of your dc.
So, I would stop doing anything related to his stuff. Absolutely do not do his washing, or his cooking, or his ironing, or shopping for things specifically for him etc
How old are your dc? Can they help?

MsVestibule · 08/03/2015 21:27

What would he do if he worked FT and lived by himself? Would he magically expect his clothes to be washed and ironed, his fridge automatically stocked, meals cooked for him and the cleaning fairy to sort the house out?

I know you can't stop doing the children's lunches and your clothes washed and ironed, but over my dead body would I be doing ANYTHING for him, and that includes cooking his meals. TBH, I can't imagine living with somebody who genuinely thought it was OK for me to work FT and do everything else too.

When did this start?

TinyTearsFirstLove · 08/03/2015 21:51

I work 30 hrs/week compressed into 3 days and dh has a ft job but I'm still expected to do all the weekday childcare (bedtime,homework etc) and all the cleaning, shopping etc. Even when I had a baby and toddler at home and worked 2 days a week from him without childcare but still had to do all the domestics.
Now they are school age I have 2 days where I do minimum housework and I spend most of those days chilling. Dh assumes I spend those days doing domestics and I don't feel the slightest bit guilty relaxing most of that time. I've earned it and it's lovely!