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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at dh for messing up childcare AGAIN?

32 replies

Esssss · 08/03/2015 15:11

Ok, back story is that both dh and I work jobs with awkward hours. I went back to work since baby after Christmas but am freelancing so take work when I get it (which is fairly regular) dh is a manager and has a lot of flexibility in when he takes hols but can also work really long days/nights.
Dh has always been v supportive in me going back to work in principle but in practise, doesn't prioritise my work as much as his.
He gets annoyed if I say things like "I'm just sorting out childcare or I need to organise childcare as we'll both be working late" or whatever as he thinks I should say "we" rather than i. But I DO organise all the childcare - dh does his fair share of dropping off or picking up but if he's running late he'll ring me to ask me to contact the childminder to tell her....which drives me nuts as it makes me feel like his secretary.
Anyway, I had some work days booked in advance which I was sorting out childcare for - dh got annoyed because he had holiday to use up so he could stay at home to mind ds (this is for tomorrow by the way but was organised well in advance). So I (embarrassingly) cancelled our lovely but very busy childminder and now he's just told me that he forgot and actually he does have to go into work tomorrow.
He then got angry at me for being annoyed because I'm not giving him a chance to adjust as I'm not long back at work but my problem is that I had a bloody childminder organised so that it wouldn't impact on him!!! Actually after typing out all that rant I think maybe I am being u as everyone makes mistakes but I'm still annoyed!!!!!!
And j still feel like his secretary!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 15:16

Could you stop doing the things that make you feel like his secretary. Like, let him cancel the childminder if he says he has the day off. And letting him sort tomorrow out bearing in mind he told you to cancel?

'Oh, I made a mistake I am working tomorrow'.
'Oh. What are you going to do about childcare then?'

3littlefrogs · 08/03/2015 15:16

He is being completely unreasonable. But you know that.
Presumably he has some redeeming features?

You need to sit down and talk this through and agree who does what and he needs to take responsibility for not changing his mind at the last minute!

Bifauxnen · 08/03/2015 15:39

Not unreasonable at all. What is is reason for phoning you instead of phoning the childminder himself?

ILovePud · 08/03/2015 15:43

YANBU, I agree with tentacles instead of getting angry but sorting it out just put it back to him to arrange childcare when he's changed the arrangements.

Original poster

Esssss · 08/03/2015 16:15

He does have redeeming features, he just is a bit flaky when it comes to things like this. I think what happens is I get frustrated and bored with his job taking precedence (in fairness it is a high stress and demanding job) so I just sort things out myself. He means well he really does. He's just a bit useless with stuff like this! Thanks for the replies

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 16:19

He's just a bit useless with stuff like this!

Is that because you always sort it out for him when he is 'useless'?

Are you aware of the term 'enabling'?

Original poster

Esssss · 08/03/2015 16:19

Sorry forgot to add that yes I should definitely stop being his "secretary" believe me I moan every time he does it but he just doesn't get it. It's so annoying

OP posts:

Original poster

Esssss · 08/03/2015 16:22

I don't know if I'm enabling so much as sorting it out for an easy life....is that enabling? Oh dear, I'm always the first person to have a rant at my friends who are in similar positions...

OP posts:

cailindana · 08/03/2015 16:24

If he rings you when he's running late, just tell him to ring the CM himself. And as tentacles said, it is now his responsibility to sort childcare for his fuck up, don't get involved.

AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 16:24

I don't know if I'm enabling so much as sorting it out for an easy life

Wouldn't it be easier to leave it up to him to sort about tomorrow?

If you don't like being his secretary then stop being his secretary. Don't moan about it, just stop doing it.

Georgethesecond · 08/03/2015 16:24

Being his secretary.
Sorting it out for an easy life.
Yup - enabling.

TheCrowFromBelow · 08/03/2015 16:30

Yes, you are enabling him and whilst it is the path if least resistance it will only get more frustrating.
You are both working parents now, you are no longer the SAHP with main responsibility for DCs care.
Who earns how much is irrelevant, and you need to help him adjust to the new routine by giving him some if the responsibility. If he agrees to look after the baby but then cancels due to a work appointment then he should speak to the CM.

Nolim · 08/03/2015 16:31

Yanbu.
He should call the childminder for instance.

TwoOddSocks · 08/03/2015 16:34

I also can't work out why he would phone you to phone the childminder, wouldn't it be simpler to just phone her directly? Don't enable it, just say OK you sort it.

I think sometimes it's easier if one person is in charge of each job so if he knows in advance when he'll be working (and presumably writes it on a calendar for you to see easily) it would make sense that you organs childcare for your more last minute work. I think if it's recognised as your chore and you get recognition for it, it may be less annoying than you doing it anyway and him claiming half the credit. (Of course he should compensate by doing other chores and if he messes up he should sort it out on those occasions).

Meow75 · 08/03/2015 16:37

If he is still going to get DS from the CM, just a little later, then why do you even need to be involved? If he is hoping that you will disrupt your plans and fetch DS because of his lateness, tell him that you cannot and he'll have to take the financial hit. He'll soon start being more punctual.

Sounds to me like he's happy to be a "public dad" as long as it is convenient to him. He has to stop with that shit!!!

Topseyt · 08/03/2015 16:51

If he can call you then he can also call the childminder. Make sure her number is saved in his phone, then he will have no excuse about not having it etc.

Also, no chopping and changing at the last minute from him again either. It doesn't just mess you around, but also the childminder who relies on this as a means of income. If he has said he will do childcare and the childminder has been cancelled, then he has to sort things out if he screws up and double books himself again. It might just teach him to be more careful in the first place.

I don't know why some men (not all, I admit) seem to be so totally at sea with regard to this sort of thing. The number of times I found myself saying "... and she is your child as well... " in one form or another!! Thankfully mine are old enough now not to need childcare (19, 16 and 12), but I very clearly remember the early years. I always had to think out the practicalities of anything we were considering doing because it just didn't automatically occur to himself.

Original poster

Esssss · 08/03/2015 17:34

I think that's it Topsy, he just doesn't realise that he can't be as flexible anymore. I do see that I probably make life a little bit too easy for him but I'm more concerned about someone minding ds while I'm at work so I don't need to worry - he is still young16 months so I'm still at the stage of fretting a little bit.
The whole ringing me before the childminder is ridiculous I know - he says he couldn't find her number. I didn't contact the childminder by the way but he seems totally clueless to how flexible our childminder is
Being considering I freelance so don't have set days or anything like that. I do need to challenge the secretary bit more though, you are all right!

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 17:39

What happened about sorting out tomorrow?

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2015 17:43

"I'm running late"
"OK, you have the child minder's number don't you? If not, I can text it to you again"

"I have to work tomorrow after all"
"You'd better get on the phone and start grovelling then"

OP you are going to have to make sure you make it his problem, even though it would be easier to do it yourself, otherwise this pattern will be set for life

do as I say, not as I do

not really off to call.my parents because DH will be late home tomorrow

AnnieLobeseder · 08/03/2015 17:46

Well, it might take him time to adjust but presumably it's been just as much of a change for you and you're coping fine.

When DH expects me to do all his thinking for him I tend to fix him with a raised eyebrow, sigh theatrically and say "Sill me, there I was mistaking you for a competent adult again".

If he phoned asking me to call a childcare provider for him, I'd say, "Why, have you not got the number? I'll text it through to you."

And as others have said, when he announced he has to work tomorrow, I'd have said, "Hmm, what are you going to do about childcare then?"

You need to make it very clear that you do not accept this mental burden of childcare to fall on you alone, and he will adapt soon enough if you don't pick up the slack when he trips up.

OddFodd · 08/03/2015 17:50

I suspect he rings you because he thinks childcare is your responsibility.

I hope you've told him that he needs to sort out childcare for tomorrow.

Topseyt · 08/03/2015 18:44

I suspect it needs spelling out to him that if he can select your number from the contacts list in his phone, he can also select the childminder's, unless he has some snazzy new design of phone which only connects to one other - i.e. yours.

When he next phones you (as he surely will) with regard to childcare again then direct him down his list to the childminder entry. Assure him that his phone WILL connect to hers too, it doesn't have to be yours.

I don't know why men can act so wet when it comes to this sort of thing. Mine could never seem to be sure which community hall in our village the pre-school was run in, and always asked. He never argued or minded about picking them up if he was there (not often due to work), but could never seem to get to grips with that minor detail. It could be comical in a way. It had to be, otherwise it would have driven me up the wall.

Duckdeamon · 08/03/2015 18:51

So at best he's "flaky". It is not OK for a parent to be flaky about organising childcare.

Or he is lazy and finds it easier to let you organise it all. Which is selfish.

At worst he's sexist and regards his work/leisure/convenience as more important than yours. Eg "I have a Busy Job / am the Main breadwinner so this is your job".

His reaction when you challenge him might reveal a lot. At present you are indeed enabling him to pile the responsibility and hassle on you.

Duckdeamon · 08/03/2015 18:53

I know a fair few men like this and women who put up with it because when challenged the men get angry. Nice.

Original poster

Esssss · 08/03/2015 18:58

Re: childcare tomorrow, he knows he's messed up and has sorted it out. It's Happened again with another date at the end of March which has yet to be sorted out.
It has been a massive adjustment for both of us, as Annie said and I feel like I've had to take over the organisation to make sure I can get to work. I have spoken to him this evening about this but he just says "what have I done wrong" and that I'm being unfair. I certainly don't want to get into a blaming game. I just want to go to work and make sure our son is looked after.
But yes I do feel as if I am shouldering the burden of childcare.

OP posts:

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