To be annoyed at dh for messing up childcare AGAIN?

[Esssss]

Ok, back story is that both dh and I work jobs with awkward hours. I went back to work since baby after Christmas but am freelancing so take work when I get it (which is fairly regular) dh is a manager and has a lot of flexibility in when he takes hols but can also work really long days/nights.
Dh has always been v supportive in me going back to work in principle but in practise, doesn't prioritise my work as much as his.
He gets annoyed if I say things like "I'm just sorting out childcare or I need to organise childcare as we'll both be working late" or whatever as he thinks I should say "we" rather than i. But I DO organise all the childcare - dh does his fair share of dropping off or picking up but if he's running late he'll ring me to ask me to contact the childminder to tell her....which drives me nuts as it makes me feel like his secretary.
Anyway, I had some work days booked in advance which I was sorting out childcare for - dh got annoyed because he had holiday to use up so he could stay at home to mind ds (this is for tomorrow by the way but was organised well in advance). So I (embarrassingly) cancelled our lovely but very busy childminder and now he's just told me that he forgot and actually he does have to go into work tomorrow.
He then got angry at me for being annoyed because I'm not giving him a chance to adjust as I'm not long back at work but my problem is that I had a bloody childminder organised so that it wouldn't impact on him!!! Actually after typing out all that rant I think maybe I am being u as everyone makes mistakes but I'm still annoyed!!!!!!
And j still feel like his secretary!

He is certainly not lazy but I think he does value his work more because he is the main breadwinner. He would never dare say that it's my job or duty to sort out childcare.
I'm annoyed with myself because I consider myself to be a strong, independent minded woman and yet reading back my posts, I sound pathetic. He does get angry at me when I confront him about it. But worse than that he says that I'm insinuating he's not a good dad (major bad dad issues from his own father)
It's frustrating because of course I'm not saying that at all, I just want him to take more responsibility!

He's a manager FFS, I'm guessing he's not flaky at work. Stop making excuses for him, he treats you like a secretary because you act like one.

The good news is your part of the problem.

So you need to take the emotion out of the conversation. When things are calm and sorted, ask him how you can avoid this sort of thing happening again. Discuss that if it's a day when you're both working, the person who finds out latest that they're going to be working is responsible for sorting out childcare. Do you have a calendar/whiteboard? That's a really good way of ensuring everyone knows what's going on. Basically treat it as a work shift thing.

He's being a bit of a tit about it at the moment but this way you might avoid getting into the blame game thing in future which is a fasttrack to rowing.

What was your answer when he asked what he'd done wrong? Can he really not see the issue?

So when you challenge him he gets angry, denies any responsibility, then makes our that you are comparing him with his bad father! How manipulative. He doesn't need to state that he expects you to organise childcare (so you can work), it's implied and he's using other tactics!

Hopefully this is a hangover from you covering everything before and he will snap out of it!

I hope so too duck, he's not a bad guy but he can be manipulative.
When I got annoyed about it he shouted and said "alright I made a mistake, just draw a line" I thought that was fair enough....when I went to speak to him later about being more organised he snapped that he had sorted out childcare tomorrow and that I was being nasty to him. I told him he was over reacting and he just sort of sneered. Anyway, I'm tired of it today, I have the next messed up date to sort out tomorrow. Thanks so much for all your messages. It's great to get some perspective x

OP, this sounds silly, but I know at least one other family who work like this, and it works (mostly) for us with two FT jobs and two DC:

You need rules. For us, anything outside the "norm" (late back, away overnight, leaving early,...) needs to go on the family calendar - ours is online, I know friends who use a physical calendar in the kitchen. The first person to get their commitments into the calendar "wins" - by which I mean that if the other parent has something which conflicts, then it is down to them to sort out childcare.

...so if I am away, and have put that into the calendar, then if DH is going to be too late back to pick the DC up, he has to sort it out - or compromise on work commitments. If either of us is asked to do something for work, we check the calendar first and if there is nothing in there we know we can say yes.

• it might not work for everyone, but for us it is a non-judgmental way of working which means (mostly) that it is not all down to one person and that there is no "my job is more important than yours" stated or implied.