To think it's time to face my demons. My mum left us when I was a child and we haven't seen her since.

[HideousSkirtConvention]

I am in my early 40's. I have a DH and 3 amazing children. When I was 13 (and my siblings were 6, 9 and 10), my mum packed a suitcase and left us.

I feel as though sooner or later I have to resolve this. It's buried very deep. Writing it down here might be a start. Ultimately I need to talk to a counsellor. And maybe her, if she is still alive.

My parents met and had children young. They seemed happy, we had a fairly normal uneventful home life. There were arguments but not all the time. My Dad threatened her a couple of times. He didn't beat her but I think she was fearful of him. A couple of times she left my Dad and took me and my siblings with her. I remember staying at a women's refuge for a few days. My Dad tracked us down and we went home.

Somehow my parents ended up with an arrangement that my Mum had a night out to go to a club with her friends once a week. I remember my mum suddenly turning into a more glamorous mum. I don't think she took much interest in me around this time. I'm not sure if she ever did, I can't remember. She wasn't warm and cuddly with me, a bit detached.

One day my mum told me she was going out and she left the house with a suitcase. I was 13 and my brothers were a few years younger than me. I remember my Dad coming home from work and looking in her wardrobe. It was empty. He told me mum had gone. In my mind, I stepped into her role immediately. My dad didn't ask anything of me, I just instantly concerned myself with who would do everything for my younger siblings and decided in that moment it had to be me. Actually I think I was thinking, how can I cover this up and hide it to the world. I felt such shame.

The next years were hard. We saw her once or twice the following year but she would not stand next to me or touch me. I followed her like a lost puppy and she kept stepping away. My dad tried his best and actually coped amazingly but he went bankrupt and we lost our home. Several times! We always had a strong extended family so that helped keep us from spiralling.

I have a daughter now. When she was a baby I didn't bond with her in the same way as I did my sons. She was my first, and I remember being so concerned with keeping her alive and safe and being a good mum that I couldn't/didn't enjoy her nearly enough. I was battling with all sorts of emotions. I worried something would happen to her, that I didn't deserve her therefore I might lose her, she might get sick if I wasn't a good enough mum.

Obviously my mum leaving me played heavy on my mind and I felt people would look at me and think I would probably do the same as my mum and leave. I missed my Mum at this time and grieved her loss again.

I also had to fight against a very grabbing mother in law who made the first year hell. She thought my child was her child (first GC). She undermined me and physically took my daughter out of my arms at every opportunity. I was guilted into letting her look after my daughter for a day a week. She used to hold my baby away from me and not let me say good bye to her. I used to go home crying and counting the hours until the afternoon when I could go and collect her.

I have resolved the mother in law problems now. She sees my daughter infrequently and I no longer agree to anything I am uncomfortable with. I have and will continue to stand up to her when I need to.

Now I just want to heal all the horrible deep cuts from my Mum leaving. I worry how they have manifested and worry about the impact upon my daughter. I find myself slightly detached from my own daughter sometimes and I have to be mindful of it all the time. It doesn't come naturally to be affectionate towards her. I am sure she feels sometimes it is a bit different than with her brothers :(

I am also feeling such anger towards my mother in law for all the hurt and pain she caused in the early days. Am I directing my fear and anger of my own mother/daughter experience towards my mother in law? Is my anger disproportionate to what she did?

Are my detached feelings towards my daughter because of my mother in law grabbing her away from me, or because of my inferior feelings that my mum left and I can't 'do' a mother/daughter relationship?

I almost feel like I can't bear my daughter to have a significant relationship with any other female unless it's me. Is that a normal feeling to have?

I'm sorry, this is so long. If you have any wisdom to offer please do :)

Please excuse stupid smile face at the end. Why did I post that?

I don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted to send hugs and say that I hope in time, you can find peace and come to terms with what you've been through, your experiences sound heartbreaking. From what you've written above, I've no doubt you're a very strong person and a wonderful mum to your own DCs. Good luck on your journey, I'm sure someone will be along in a bit with some advice or ways to help you.

The first thing I'd say is that you need a professional counsellor to help you unravel some of these things. It is obviously the 'right' time for you to do this.

I would say it is not normal to hope your daughter has no other significant relationship with another female. I don't feel like that, but I have a good relationship with my sister. I'm almost sad my dd doesn't have a sister, but she has 2 girl cousins who she's close to and I hope always will be. I think I'd find it hard if she had a very close relationship with a mother-in-law, but also good as it seems a bit rare!

I think you probably find the relationship with your sons more natural as you basically stepped into the role of mother to your brothers so this is really easy for you. Also your dd was your first, so all the feelings of grief over your own mother were with her. I wonder how things would be if she had come later, and you'd had a son first...anyway, you didn't so you are left with that.

I think you are very mindful of things, so I am sure your dd doesn't feel that you treat her differently to her brothers. If she says it, I find my eldest feels that and he is a boy. Then I have another son and daughter. It is an eldest thing! They always have 'bigger portions', 'better gifts', 'more time' etc. when I actually I find myself positively discriminating in his favour as he is so super sensitive over it.

The MIL stuff doesn't sound resolved if you are still angry with her. A counsellor would be able to advise you better on how to work through those feelings. I'm sure she wasn't great, but maybe just over eager and manipulative rather than She is probably taking some of the anger you feel towards your Mum? Do you feel angry with your Mum or is it so buried that it just comes out against MIL?

I don't really have any advice, but didn't want this to disappear - I hope someone will be along who will be able to offer some support and guidance. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been for you all, and I'm sure that it must have impacted on your relationship with your DD in some way - not a lack of love or anything, but perhaps a fear of being close to her, or perhaps not really being sure what a mother/daughter relationship is normally like? Your MIL, on the other hand, simply behaved appallingly - you have nothing to question yourself over there at all.

Have you made the first step to see a counsellor? It sounds as if it might be really helpful and might enable you to move forward

I don't have any advice either, but I couldn't possibly read and not respond.

I think starting this thread is massive deal, and hopefully the beginning of a journey towards understanding, peace and contentment. I definitely think finding a good counsellor would be a great next step.

You sound like you absolutely want to do the best by your daughter, and quite understandably need some help in figuring out how to do that, so in that way you are very different from your own mother.

Lots and lots of good luck.

I feel a lot for you reading this...
My mum left us too, before I had even started primary school, and I identify with a lot of what you are saying. I did see her sometimes growing up but the mum/daughter bond a lot of my friends had with their mums just wasn't there. When I got pregnant I was so worried about history repeating itself and not bonding with my baby as mum had seemed to fail to do with me.

I think a lot of your feelings are very normal giving your experiences.
I would definately recommend you see a counsellor just to talk through your feelings and try to make sense of it. It might help you decide what to do to make peace with your past and be happy in your present.
And FWIW you sound like a great mum.

When I said I didn't want my daughter to have a significant relationship with another female I meant another female my age or older. I would feel threatened and jealous if she were closer with my mother in law or one of her aunts (on either side of the family) than with me.

If it's friendships with a sister, cousins her own age, and school friends, I couldn't be happier and want her to have lots of lovely friendships.

I am still very very angry with my mother in law. I don't know if I am angry with her or angry with my own mum. I don't know what I feel towards my own mum. It's buried too deeply. I am indifferent. I don't feel anger for my mum. I feel heartbroken for myself and my younger siblings and wonder how she can live with herself.

Heartbroken for us as children that is, back then.

I think you can be angry with both your MIL and your own Mum - both have behaved awfully. They have both, in their own way, deprived you of something very important at a time in your life when you needed their love and support.

I agree that it would be good to see a highly skilled therapist or counsellor. You have a lot of things to work through but you sound ready - even posting on here is a massive step.
For what it's worth you sound like an amazing mum. I had a very loving mum growing up but I was petrified of something bad happening to my baby or being a crap mum, and so I didn't really enjoy her as much as I thought I should have. Apparently it's really extremely common to feel that way.
Please don't put any pressure on yourself regarding how you think you "should" feel towards your mum, your mother in law, even yourself until you've had some therapy and a chance to breathe a bit.

One of my friends mum left her and her brother at a very young age. Her dad copied amazing well but my friend is still very angry. She understood leaving her dad but why her and her sister. From what she said her mum had other problems (drugs) and it wasnt her dad, sister or her fault. Please see someone with experience in dealing with this. Cant help as no experience apart from listening to my friend. Her mum got back in touch whilst we were at uni and my friend refused to see her. You sound like a lovely mum and have coped with your mil well. Just wanted to send you hugs and say i think you are amazing. You come on here to ask for help and soon there will be knowledgable people along to help. If not talk to gp as i think they can refer you. Xxxxx

Wow, what an amazing, honest and open post. I have no advice but I hope you can find the right professional help to resolve your issues. I really wish the very best for you OP and that you find happiness and peace of mind.

Thanks for replying everyone. I do need to see a counsellor. I am still putting it off as I am scared of opening the box. I think I would just spend it crying.

In RL I give people the impression my mum is dead as I am still ashamed to say she left. I still believe people will think I won't understand how to be a mum if they know the truth. Not good enough/low self esteem?

How old is dd? I only ask as I think thee are two complimentary ways to move forward.

1. Personal therapy for you re your mum
2. Joint play therapy with dd. I'm thinking if she is 10 or younger. Play therapy is more than playing. It's mostly psychodynamic in its roots and joint work builds relationships, offers a space to experiment with new emotions.

Just a thought really. Bit left field.

I have nothing helpful to add to what has already been posted but I just wanted to say that I hope you find some resolution to your issues and that you have day to day support to do this. Also, I felt really drawn in to your story and feel you communicate extraordinarily well.

...it doesn't matter if you spend your entire therapy sessions crying. honestly. There'll be boxes of tissues everywhere as almost everyone cries at therapy, sometimes just for relief of saying things out loud.
Don't let that hold you back from going

OP I believe there is a self esteem impact here, because of the feeling of rejection, and it hurts. You are absolutely doing the right thing to see a counsellor as you clearly feel it is unresolved and seem to be at a point in your life where you're ready to do that. Please do go - don't bury it any longer. Opening the box is very scary, it's like the fear of how deep does his pain run and once I start exploring it what if it is too much, can I go back?
I understand. I went to counselling when I was 19 but I didn't get very far because I wasn't ready. I touched on the topic a bit but didn't have the bottle to open up properly and ended up running, scared.
Counsellors are very very patient even if all you do is cry and I think it will help you tremendously. Wish you all the luck in the world

I can't just have a breakdown if it runs very deeply. I think it runs right through to my core. It's the basis of who I am because it was at that point I took on responsibility (and a dark secret. I kept it hidden from my friends for a couple of years).

Thank you Blueberry.

Thank you Munchkin, play therapy is a good idea and something to think on. I need to 'be silly' with her and learn how to have fun with her.

Reading what you have been through and how much strength you must have to have gotten through it, I doubt you would have a breakdown. Posting on here is at least a huge first step

I hope you can find peace with it all OP. You sound like a very mindful and caring person. Therapy is hard and you will spend a lot of time crying as you have a lot to sort through. You may feel detached from your daughter at times as a protective mechanism. You will recognise yourself in her and it can trigger all sorts of feelings when she hits the age when things happened for you. As children we rationalise and cope but with your own child you will see the vulnerability very clearly. I don't know what age your daughter is but it would make sense to try and start dealing with this before she is 13 if you can.

It can be very frightening to confront old feelings but it is also hugely liberating to voice them and to have someone else (like a good therapist) hear them and help you process it.

I wish you well. I have no doubt from your posts that you have the courage and personal integrity to get through this

Thanks CuckingFat. Do you feel like you've reached some sort of understanding of your experience? I always felt such a freak because my mum did the leaving.

You sound as tho you supported your father hugely and your bros is your DF still around and would it stir things up too much to talk to him?

Not bonding with the first is not unusual, esp if you had a difficult pregnancy or birth. Or back ground as here. But worth straightening out. And avoiding what your M did, ie avoidable Your DD is special as I think your only daughter, so you can have fun with her and both of you explore that relationship with no preconceptions of what it should be like.

I.do thinly therapy sounds like a good idea

Hugs

It hadn't even occurred to me how I will feel when my own daughter turns 13. I will be constantly making comparisons and will feel angry towards my mum probably. I have a few years to go yet as she is 8.

People get ready to face their demons at different times. My DH had a breakdown in is mid 30's after years of childhood abuse, and found that counselling was vital in helping him heal.

Until that point, he just wasn't ready to face what had happened. It made him realise that it wasn't his fault or his responsibility.

It's good that you finally feel ready and I agree with all the previous posters that a counsellor would be a good idea. Be aware that sometimes the first one / two that you speak to might not be a good match for you, I think my DH saw 3 before he found one that he was comfortable with.

Wishing you lots of luck.

My Dad finds it hard to talk about. He too has not dealt with it or got over it.

My birth and pregnancy were difficult and I was scared to hold her the moment she was born. I thought I would drop her. I passed out and didn't hold her for a few hours until I awoke :(