To think it's time to face my demons. My mum left us when I was a child and we haven't seen her since.

[HideousSkirtConvention]

I am in my early 40's. I have a DH and 3 amazing children. When I was 13 (and my siblings were 6, 9 and 10), my mum packed a suitcase and left us.

I feel as though sooner or later I have to resolve this. It's buried very deep. Writing it down here might be a start. Ultimately I need to talk to a counsellor. And maybe her, if she is still alive.

My parents met and had children young. They seemed happy, we had a fairly normal uneventful home life. There were arguments but not all the time. My Dad threatened her a couple of times. He didn't beat her but I think she was fearful of him. A couple of times she left my Dad and took me and my siblings with her. I remember staying at a women's refuge for a few days. My Dad tracked us down and we went home.

Somehow my parents ended up with an arrangement that my Mum had a night out to go to a club with her friends once a week. I remember my mum suddenly turning into a more glamorous mum. I don't think she took much interest in me around this time. I'm not sure if she ever did, I can't remember. She wasn't warm and cuddly with me, a bit detached.

One day my mum told me she was going out and she left the house with a suitcase. I was 13 and my brothers were a few years younger than me. I remember my Dad coming home from work and looking in her wardrobe. It was empty. He told me mum had gone. In my mind, I stepped into her role immediately. My dad didn't ask anything of me, I just instantly concerned myself with who would do everything for my younger siblings and decided in that moment it had to be me. Actually I think I was thinking, how can I cover this up and hide it to the world. I felt such shame.

The next years were hard. We saw her once or twice the following year but she would not stand next to me or touch me. I followed her like a lost puppy and she kept stepping away. My dad tried his best and actually coped amazingly but he went bankrupt and we lost our home. Several times! We always had a strong extended family so that helped keep us from spiralling.

I have a daughter now. When she was a baby I didn't bond with her in the same way as I did my sons. She was my first, and I remember being so concerned with keeping her alive and safe and being a good mum that I couldn't/didn't enjoy her nearly enough. I was battling with all sorts of emotions. I worried something would happen to her, that I didn't deserve her therefore I might lose her, she might get sick if I wasn't a good enough mum.

Obviously my mum leaving me played heavy on my mind and I felt people would look at me and think I would probably do the same as my mum and leave. I missed my Mum at this time and grieved her loss again.

I also had to fight against a very grabbing mother in law who made the first year hell. She thought my child was her child (first GC). She undermined me and physically took my daughter out of my arms at every opportunity. I was guilted into letting her look after my daughter for a day a week. She used to hold my baby away from me and not let me say good bye to her. I used to go home crying and counting the hours until the afternoon when I could go and collect her.

I have resolved the mother in law problems now. She sees my daughter infrequently and I no longer agree to anything I am uncomfortable with. I have and will continue to stand up to her when I need to.

Now I just want to heal all the horrible deep cuts from my Mum leaving. I worry how they have manifested and worry about the impact upon my daughter. I find myself slightly detached from my own daughter sometimes and I have to be mindful of it all the time. It doesn't come naturally to be affectionate towards her. I am sure she feels sometimes it is a bit different than with her brothers :(

I am also feeling such anger towards my mother in law for all the hurt and pain she caused in the early days. Am I directing my fear and anger of my own mother/daughter experience towards my mother in law? Is my anger disproportionate to what she did?

Are my detached feelings towards my daughter because of my mother in law grabbing her away from me, or because of my inferior feelings that my mum left and I can't 'do' a mother/daughter relationship?

I almost feel like I can't bear my daughter to have a significant relationship with any other female unless it's me. Is that a normal feeling to have?

I'm sorry, this is so long. If you have any wisdom to offer please do :)

I think I have but I do carry a lot of anger about it.
I feel like I grew up way too young and she robbed me of a normal childhood. There were a lot of consequences to her leaving and it left me with a lot of responsibility at a very young age. I have never confronted her about it though.
Therapy with your daughter also sounds like a good idea IMO. Although you seem to already be on the right track to having a great relationship. Be proud of yourself for wanting to deal with it as it seems to be something that may be for your daughters benefit too.

I have never confronted either. I don't think it would bring any answers sadly.

It probably wouldn't, but I don't think it's essential, unless you felt like it was something you needed to do.

Just read this post and honestly could have wrote most of it. My mother left when I was 13 and I haven't seen her in nearly 17 years. She met a man on the internet (while still with my dad) and traveled thousands of miles, to the other side of the world to be with him. We speak on occasion on the phone but only because the little girl in me still wants her mum, as pathetic as that is. My dad didn't cope at all, and I went completely off the rails, drinking, drugs, sex etc. I have an older sister, but she was already living with her now husband at the time. I fell pregnant at 16 and like you found it difficult to bond with my daughter because I just didn't know how. I'm still with my dp and we have since had two boys and my bond with them was fine right from the start, but the bonding process with dd took time which was hard. During those early years my mil was exactly like yours (and still is) but I am much better at standing up for myself now. Being abandoned by my mother has left me with deep scars. I have trouble trusting people and feel terrified of people leaving me, I feel rejection easily, and I have been diagnosed with a fairly significant mental illness. This makes my relationship with dp difficult and rocky at best, but we love each other and have stuck it out this far.
I'm not sure if all of what I've wrote makes sense, I'm feeling quite emotional. I cant offer advice except to say, I'm in therapy and its going to be a long road, but I think its helping. My daughter is nearly 12 and thankfully we have a great relationship now. Although as she bears the age I was when my mum left, my heart breaks all over again for the girl I was then. Its sad that this kind of thing happens but at least after reading your post I know I'm not the only person so acutely affected so many years later. Sorry that was so long, I hardly post on mn but after reading this thread I had to get it all out.

*nears

im really sorry for what you have gone through. neither of my parents left so i can't say i understand but i did have a very turbulent childhood with parents who i assumed the role of emotional carers for. this has effected me my whole life. i always seem to assume the role of carer for those in my life and it is a trait people take advantage of.

it can be very daunting to begin to unravel the wounds of childhood. you will probably uncover emotions you don't even know you have. right now anger is covering everything and back then you didn't have time or the understanding to feel as you were trying to care for your siblings.

i have done a lot of work on myself over the past few years. i needed it and i felt i owed it to my daughter to be the best mum i can be for her.

at the start one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was the fact i had to forgive my parents. i had to learn that parents aren't supernatural beings with the power to let go of their on emotional baggage and parent well. they are people, normal people and they make mistakes some obviously bigger than others. if they had be well adjusted whole people they would have made better parents but they weren't. it wasn't a reflection on me. please don't take that the wrong way as trust me i struggled with that for a while. i went in with the idea i was angry that my parents refused to acknowledge my childhood and what i went through, in their words im a drama queen. i felt i needed an apology. after some work i realised an apology would only serve to ease their conscience but wouldn't offer any real change to me, i don't feel i need one anymore. i see them now as damaged people who didn't understand how to put their children before their own needs and wants, people without the tools to parent and i feel a lot less angry.

A counsellor you can talk to, and rant at, and then find a way - would be wonderful for you. And an hour to sob might be just what you need.

My mil was like yours but I stood up to her faster, so thats pretty normal. My pushed me out if the way 3 days after a cs and I nearly fell, but that's another story.

And I would like my dd and ds to have a close female relative they can trust but unfortuantely they are not alive to do it. I have one niece whom I encourage a relationship with and whom I have told her I want her to be their go- to person if not me. Or their teachers.

Finding a hobby with your dd might be a good idea. What does she like? How old is she? And lots of hugs to start and telling her how great she is. Baby steps. What about something as simple as every Saturday you go to town ( or a garden centre:) wander round chatting and have tea and cake? Or feed ducks together?

It depends on her age- what about making a list with her of things you'd like to try? All of your dc could join in- you could all do the 100 things in the national trust website.

You sound incredibly mindful- is your dh supportive?

I was brought up in an extremely violent, abusive and neglectful home along with my six siblings. My mother walked out one day when I was about 11. My father was always drunk, we lived in filth, stole from neighbours, begged from shops, but frequently went hungry for a few years, until eventually we were taken into care. We told no-one initially that mum had left, we had no idea where she had gone or why or if we would ever see her again. In the care system we were fed and clean but unloved, constantly humiliated and emotionally neglected. I never had a hug until I was a grown woman. And all of the above is a watered down version. I tell you all of this not for sympathy but simply to put into context what I am going to say next.

It is all too easy to put blame onto the things that happened to us as children, in some ways its encouraged - I am like this because.... She is like that because... etc etc But in the end you are not a child anymore. You can choose how you want your life to be. You can choose what sort of parent you want to be. Sure, you might need help to get over your feelings of rejection and hurt, and if you think counselling can help you do that then that's a great place to start.

But you already know why you feel as you do, you even point out that you will start making comparisons when your daughter reaches 13. Its like a self fulfilling prophecy, like waiting for a tidal wave to happen. You can choose to stop that by changing your behaviour now, today. Wake up in the morning and be the person you want to be as an adult and as a parent. You are not your mother. There are no reasons (that I can see from your posts) that you would even begin to behave in the way she did. Your past is controlling your future. You are not responsible, certainly not as a child, and not even as an adult, for other peoples choices in life. None of us are. Stop trying to work out why other people made the choices they did, you cannot change the past, and start changing the things you have control over. The way you feel about yourself. The way you treat your daughter. I promise you - the minute you get rid of all that baggage is the minute that you start to become the person you want to be.

I am aware that sounds slightly glib. I assure you its not. Nor is it meant to upset or offend. I'm not saying it will be easy, nor will it be without tears. But you are a grown up now and you have control of your own life, feelings and actions and you need to make that count. Go to counselling for yourself, to find the person you want to be, not to try and make sense of other peoples choices.

I think all the stuff with your MIL stems from your own insecurities and concerns and you seem to be stronger in dealing with it now. Use that strength in other areas of your life.

When I walked out of the childrens home at 17 I made a promise to myself that the people in the first 17 years of my life were never going to have any control in my life ever again. And they haven't. I made my own choices. I am not my parents. I have been married happily for over 30 years, I have two gorgeous children who are loved, hugged and told that they are loved every day of their lives. I chose my career, my friends, my new family and I chose not to let people who should have known better to ruin my life.

You can do it. You need to do it for both your own sake and your daughters. Be strong. Good luck

Great post no kids . Greatest admiration for the way you have turned your life around.

Thank you sandgrown