To ask a previously very close friend to stop contacting me?

[Clearlynotmyname]

My first AIBU so be gentle

A and I were close friends since childhood. She was my bridesmaid, etc. A few years ago she had dcs, and soon after dd2 was born she split up with her partner. He was an utter shit, made her life hard even after they’d broken up, and to support her for the first couple of years, I didn't mind being the one to always come to her. She could somehow never make any of my events or invites because of xdp messing her around on visits, childcare falling through etc.

But I look back and realise that I haven't just made most of the effort, but all of it. She never found a way to come and visit me even when I had dcs of my own, moved into a new place, had miscarriages, etc. She lives less than an hour away, and regularly has family look after the dcs. It’s not just that she’s never visited, but never really asks about what’s going on with me, didn’t even send a card or ask for photos when I had dc2. I know she manages to get out and do other stuff, she meets “amazing” men and dates them for a while, goes out dancing with minor slebs, all of which she finds a way to to tell me about.

I’ve read lots of AIBUs on similar topics, and most people seem to advise just walking away/getting over it. Thing is, I came to exactly that conclusion about 9 months ago, so stopped contacting her. Since then she (unsurprisingly) still hasn’t made any effort to see/ask about me but occasionally texts an update on her life, or a vague promise to visit which fizzles out when I suggest some dates, and then no follow up.

I wish I could just ignore them but each time, I get upset all over again that she stopped caring, that I lost a really good friend, and feel low for a few days. I just want to ask her to leave me alone and get on with my life really, stop pretending to be friends and stop asking me to care about what goes on in her life without giving a shit about mine.

Also, somehow if I don’t reply when she’s sent something that’s big news for her, makes me the bad guy, and the thought of that really annoys me. That she might get righteously angry about me doing something she’s been guilty of for years. I just don’t think she has any clue what she’s done, what she continues to do.

So, am I a bitch/mad cow if I say something, or a wimp/doormat if I don’t? DH thinks I should take the male route – block her number and email but don’t tell her. Sounding quite tempting

Thanks for any advice you can give.

I would just block her number and texts tbh. If your not replying what difference does it make

I wish I could just ignore them but each time, I get upset all over again that she stopped caring, that I lost a really good friend

At what point was she a really good friend? That isn't apparent from your post.

Just block and walk away.

Just block her number. People like this never change and if you try and explain they will always be a victim somehow.
I had a friend like this, to be honest were just FB friends now, never even message each other anymore, I don't think she even realises, just moved onto someone else who will listen to her endless droning.

As the current approach hasn't worked may I suggest you give frank details of how you feel or simply stop replying no matter what she says

I'm inclined to agree with your DH but if you want her to know how you feel you could always send an email first?
I made a decision last year to stop bothering with certain people in my life when I realised I was making all the effort and those friendships just gradually fizzled out, no big dramas.

Why not call her and talk to her about all this? Your feelings are valid and she might be mortified to realise how you feel. I'd try that before you just walk away. Of course she might just get all defensive but IMO it's worth a go especially for an old friendship.

DH is feeling quite vindicated right now!

Nanny - she was a really good friend since we were young children, till a few years ago. Even since then, it's been good when we've actually seen each other, I've just had to make the effort to do it.

Purple - I have been replying, just not initiating contact, so this would make a difference. But probably not a huge one to her, and as you point out Bohemian, hopefully it will just fizzle out.

X-posted with Manatee.

Part of me thinks I should call but the rest of me is too chicken. She has never reacted well to even the teensiest criticism, I can picture how it will go - a big old mix of defensiveness and victimhood. Not sure I can face it tbh.

I had similar with what I thought as a very close friend a few years ago who I thought the world of. She was cancelling often and it was always me seeming to be calling or texting her. She really let me down a few times and I was getting ridiculously upset and wound up for a woman my age - I was hurt and mortified.

Sent her a text quickly explaining how I felt and that I wouldnt be contacting her any more as it all seemed one way and made me feel crap. Never heard from her again. It hurt but much much better without having all the hurt and angst it all brought.

That was why I texted her. I wanted us both to think about what we wanted to say and I knew it might all get a bit emotional or defensive and we might not say what we wanted to say. God, sounds like I'm talking about a relationship or marriage break up!

Thank you Bambambini - you summed up exactly how I've been feeling much more succinctly than I managed!

The quick brusque text route sounds very appealing, especially if she doesn't reply after. I have a feeling she will though, and it may well be vicious, and I'll have to fight the urge not to reply back.

My big worry with blocking her completely is what if something awful happens to her and I don't find out and she thinks I've ignored it? We don't have mutual friends so I wouldn't find out via that route. Stupid paranoia.

And, it is basically a relationship break up! I don't know about with your friend but I've known mine around 3 times longer than I've known dh.

We did discuss it by text and she was 'hurt and devastated' by my words but said nothing to explain her actions (which maybe was all I wanted). I just wanted to put my feelings and why I wouldn't be contacting her again out there instead of just totally disappearing (and maybe to see if there had been some miscommunication or whatever). We didn't argue, it wasn't nasty at all. We are still friends on FB but don't interact.

I thought we would be friends for life. I would still help her if something happened and she ever need it.

Can I question if you really want this woman to stop contacting you or simply want to sort it out.

I had a friend who recently went through similar and it was a bit of a wake up call for her friend.

If you want to sort it out. I would tell her how you feel and ask her to contact you if she wants to sort it out... That way you know one way or another but you can't say you haven't tried.

A few years or even months ago I would have said I'd much prefer to sort it out. But it's gone on too long now and partly because of the way she's treated me, and partly because of how generally self-absorbed she's become, I realise I don't really like her very much any more. It just doesn't feel worth it trying to mend something so broken. I'd never say never, if she made a huge effort to make up for the last few years, maybe we could get back to how we were, but I'm not holding my breath.

Would it be better to ask 'May i ask why you send me spurious texts about meeting up, as you never ever respond when i suggest dates. Just curious. Is everything ok?'

Firstly - don't feel this is down to you. Most of us have had a 'friend' like this at some point. I had a school friend who was exactly the same. Just walk away and forget about it. Life is too short.

Just stop responding. See how she deals with it.

"What if something awful happens to her" is your reason for NOT blocking texts.
Why do you worry about this in particular? Would you feel guilty? Want to rush to help her? Want to feel important in her life, still?
If you can untangle that one thought, I think it would really help you

I must admit that after my dh (been together 18 yrs and had 4 dc) left me for ow I might have come across like this.
I was devastated and felt that is never enjoy my life again.
I partied a bit and met a few men, generally did what I didn't do in my teens.
Looking back I was probably not right at all and kind of kicking back at a world I felt has been so cruel to me.
I was probably a selfish bore, although I was fiercely jealous of my smug married friends I used to cover that up with stories of my amazingly fun and exciting life.
Could that be the reason for your mates behaviour?

I was in a similar situation recently. I did pull back intentionally for a bit then ended up being in contact for a bit through the dc. I did however tell her how I had felt. That my feelings were hurt. I had cut her a lot of slack because I was more than aware of what am abusive relationship can do to your head.
She was genuinely upset I felt the way I did. We too have been friends forever and she admitted she had been very selfish and not just to me. Her self esteem was rock bottom and all of it was a show of that. She had already been working on sorting it out but didn't know how to reconnect with me for various reasons I understood.
I think tell her. Her reaction will tell you most. An abusive relationship is not an excuse but it does things to you. If she brushes it off as nonsense then walk away but if she is aghast and wants to work on it you may salvage something.

Alternative – yes, I should probably ask her to explain. I can just hear how longwinded, defensive and martyred the response will be and it makes me tired just thinking about it. She has a way of making you feel like the guilty party when she’s the one that’s being hurtful.

Norks – good question. It’s not about still being important in her life (that ship has sailed!) per se but I do have a tendency to want to rescue people, when I look at my other friendships. That’s not very healthy, is it?

Ledkr – I’m sorry for what happened to you, sounds awful. Long story but she wasn’t that close to her dp and they weren’t together that long. He did make life v hard for her though. I don’t blame her for partying etc, I’d probably do the same in her situation, I think she just (inadvertently, I hope) rubs in in that she does that other stuff and has no time for me. Think you’ve hit the nail on the head re the jealousy. I’ve always tried to downplay being married, say it’s just been down to luck, but feel that it could be an issue. There’s nothing I can do about that though, can’t apologise for it, and if she can’t deal with it we can’t stay friends.

Very confused about what to do now! All these suggestions are good and I can’t decide. Veering towards the blunt text route, but she has an event this weekend I wouldn’t want to ruin, so it would have to be tomorrow anyway. Which gives me a whole day to obsess about the wording. God I really do come across as quite mad don’t I

Xpost youmakemydreams. Thanks that's really helpful. Want to try and see it from her side if I can.

No you are not 'quite mad' .

This is a common situation and it's natural to feel hurt, frustrated and upset.

I am usually all for just leaving things without feeling you have to explain yourself with people like this this - you don't owe her anything, she's been a rotten friend to you.

But the issue here is that you are being dragged back to the feelings of hurt every time she contacts.

So I think I would actually send a message - then block if you feel you don't want to read a response or to find out she hasn't even responded.

Maybe something like:

Hi X. I think it's time to admit our friendship's over. It's been clear for years your heart's not really in it - you don't make the effort to meet up and you're not interested in my life. That's (honestly) fine, I'm not actually accusing or attacking you or even having a moan really, just stating the facts. People drift apart. Just felt would be better to actually say this and draw a line underneath things. I wish you loads of happiness in the future! Take care, XX

I'd just wait until she texts again and then reply with something blunt and short. She doesn't deserve your friendship because she hasn't bothered to maintain it. People change and move on which is natural but it's not fair that she comes running back when she has something to brag about.

I don't even think it's needs to be a confrontation, just sound uninterested in what she texts - "that's nice for you, sounds like you're well" and then don't reply to whatever she comes back with. If she suggests a meet up I'd be a bit more upfront and say "probably not, we never manage it anyway so best to leave things as they are" and then ignore. If she does reply with something vicious just say "thank you for showing me that my decision to distance myself from you was the right one" and then ignore. Anyone who would reply with something vicious really isn't worth the head space.

Feeling inferior or whatever is not an excuse. If you've been there for her but she still doesn't make the effort then it's not good for you to keep pursuing the friendship.