To ask a previously very close friend to stop contacting me?

[Clearlynotmyname]

My first AIBU so be gentle

A and I were close friends since childhood. She was my bridesmaid, etc. A few years ago she had dcs, and soon after dd2 was born she split up with her partner. He was an utter shit, made her life hard even after they’d broken up, and to support her for the first couple of years, I didn't mind being the one to always come to her. She could somehow never make any of my events or invites because of xdp messing her around on visits, childcare falling through etc.

But I look back and realise that I haven't just made most of the effort, but all of it. She never found a way to come and visit me even when I had dcs of my own, moved into a new place, had miscarriages, etc. She lives less than an hour away, and regularly has family look after the dcs. It’s not just that she’s never visited, but never really asks about what’s going on with me, didn’t even send a card or ask for photos when I had dc2. I know she manages to get out and do other stuff, she meets “amazing” men and dates them for a while, goes out dancing with minor slebs, all of which she finds a way to to tell me about.

I’ve read lots of AIBUs on similar topics, and most people seem to advise just walking away/getting over it. Thing is, I came to exactly that conclusion about 9 months ago, so stopped contacting her. Since then she (unsurprisingly) still hasn’t made any effort to see/ask about me but occasionally texts an update on her life, or a vague promise to visit which fizzles out when I suggest some dates, and then no follow up.

I wish I could just ignore them but each time, I get upset all over again that she stopped caring, that I lost a really good friend, and feel low for a few days. I just want to ask her to leave me alone and get on with my life really, stop pretending to be friends and stop asking me to care about what goes on in her life without giving a shit about mine.

Also, somehow if I don’t reply when she’s sent something that’s big news for her, makes me the bad guy, and the thought of that really annoys me. That she might get righteously angry about me doing something she’s been guilty of for years. I just don’t think she has any clue what she’s done, what she continues to do.

So, am I a bitch/mad cow if I say something, or a wimp/doormat if I don’t? DH thinks I should take the male route – block her number and email but don’t tell her. Sounding quite tempting

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Hmm maybe my suggested message sounds slightly dramatic, maybe tone down the first two sentences if you did go down this route!

I hear you op. If I were you I'd let it fizzle out and leave her to it since it sounds like a confrontation would be fruitless. I distanced myself from a good friend about 10 years ago because of his behaviour. A couple of years ago we got back in touch and he's changed a lot and we see each other sometimes now. Your friend may be the same.

I like thatsucks message personally. To the point without being nasty.

OP,

It's quite apparent that you know what you must do, just that you lack the conviction to do it. Have been there before myself and let me tell you that it's very cathartic to tell your 'friend' EXACTLY what and how you feel about them and then leave it at that! Don't just block them, because that'll leave you with a whole bunch of things that you wish you had the guts to say but didn't and personally i see it as being a cowardly way out of your predicament. Grow a pair, be upfront and tell them that you're fed up with them and no longer consider them a friend and then cease all contact if you wish....but tell them. You'll feel better for it in the long run!

I like the advice blinkandmiss gave. No drama but makes it clear how you feel.

I like thatsucks message too.

I tried to write an even softer reply. How about this;

Hi X. I've been thinking about our friendship and realised we don't actually have much in comman anymore. We can't even be bothered to meet up anymore So please don't be offended if I dont contact you again. I thought It better to let you know rather than it just seeming like I'm blanking you. Best of luck with the future

In her mind she hasn't done anything wrong at all so if you ask her to explain she won't know what you're going on about.

Just block her and move on.

I was just coming on to say what Blinkandmiss did.

When she next texts just reply (perhaps by email) "I wonder why you send me these texts? We haven't seen each other for years and you have never made any effort to visit me at all. Nor do you take any interest in my life! There's really no need to keep up these half-hearted efforts to stay in touch, things change and people move on. Its sad to lose a friend from childhood but you couldn't say we've really had a functional mutually supportive friendship for years now could you? That said, I wish you every happiness now and always. Take care, x x"

OP you sound lovely and caring and you don't deserve this. I have had the same with a friend I've known all my life. She is just a useless friend because she blows hot and cold so much. (I did get pissed once and tell her she was a shit friend at a party she had. When we chatted next time, she just pretended my outburst hadn't happened!) For a few years, I just found it so hurtful that she could never speak on the phone, was always busy, never returned calls, never rang back when she said she would etc...

I didn't want to cut her out my life because our DHs are relatively friendly within a social group. So I made a concerted effort to put up a bit of a barrier and not get upset. I'd done too much of that and things had to change. I decided never to do the running again, and actually not to contact her, but let her contact me. This was the best thing I ever did. I don't see her so much, I don't class her as a close friend now, I don't puzzle that she doesn't ring when she says she will - I just let it wash over me totally. If we catch up sometime or other - fine. If we don't - fine too. I saw her last night funnily enough. As normal she said "I'll ring next week". She never does and now I just don't care like I used to. Her loss.

I wonder if you can do this? Do you have to confront your friend and get a load of bollocks stuff back? Could you not just withdraw a bit...

OP, this is a rotten situation to be in and you have my sympathy. I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago and I wrote it all down - how I felt, what I wanted to say to her, the good things about our past and the bad things about recent times, and it really helped me to get over the way she'd behaved towards me. It also helps me to remember how I felt on the random occasions that she does try to contact me and stops me from getting involved in her drama again. I'm not sure if this is a method that might help you?

I think these situations arise when you like someone more than they like you. I think you just have to suck it up as you must have experienced the same situation, but the other way around?

I have had friends who like me more than I like them and have constantly invited me to stuff and text me etc ,etc, and it gets wearing. Then there have been others where I have been keen to foster a friendship and they haven't responded. C'est la vie.
I think my relationships are more about me than other people. I don't think the post should be approaching her friend and saying her piece as it won't make any difference. Her friend is already expressing what she feels by her deeds. They speak louder than words.
Get some new friends is my advice.

I'd personally change my email or phone no, or block her. No need to upset yourself with a confrontation of some sort.

Wow, thank you all so much. I’ve been feeling quite hard-hearted about this in the last few days but you’ve made me tear up by being all nice. Even being told to “grow a pair” is a boost as I know that’s exactly what I need to do

I was going to ask for advice on the wording but you lot beat me to it! thatsucks I really like your wording, it gets the point across without being whiny or passive aggressive.

holeinmyheart I do have other friends, but I do have a tendency to cling to the past and haven’t been able to let go of this one. I need to move on, but to do so I feel I need to say something to actively draw a line under the friendship rather than let it drag on.

I like Thatsucks message. It was fairly similar in content and tone to the texts I sent my friend. Our friendship had been too close to just walk away without saying how I felt, I felt she deserved to know why rather than think I had wandered off not caring or had found new friends etc.

It made me feel a bit foolish and vulnerable to say that it seemed I made more effort and tought more of her than she did of me - but I wanted to say it, as all along i had just sensibly brushed all the cancellations off saying no problem etc. I'm glad I did say my piece.

Thanks bambambini - that’s exactly how I feel.

I’ve drafted something along the lines suggested by thatsucks, ready to send tomorrow. But if she replies with something bitchy, I’m going to go with blinkandmiss’s suggestion of “thanks for reinforcing my decision!”

Oh and nameuschangeus - sorry forgot to reply to yours. Yes I totally agree, I have written down a lot and it has been cathartic! Has definitely helped over the last year or so.

Aww no problem, glad I and others have helped you.

Now you need to send it and move on. You've done nothing wrong and you need to get this over and done with so it can stop gnawing at you.

Can I also say I really do agree with holeinheart.

I've been Mumsnetting for years and I always say this!

Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone likes you as much as you like them, not everyone wants to spend time with you or befriend you (rather than just be friendly). I agree, adults have to 'suck it up'!

But in this instance, no matter what the other woman's POV would be, the OP was finding the sporadic messages distressing because she wants to move on. She has actually tried to pull away. So that's why I think it's one of those times to say something to make things clear.

Sending messages in this situation needs thinking about. You don't really wish her well for a start. She will know that.

If you want to have a dig at her and cause her some of the pain she has caused you then this is what a message will do, because however you word it, it comes over as a message that is open to interpretation.

It would be more honest to write the truth if you have to write to her.
Ie. I consider that you have been a shite friend and I hope you rot in hell.

I think you will regret sending her a closure email. You are a softie ( no harm in that, so am I) and you will worry about it.

You will regret it even more if she replies with a list of your shortcomings. I bet she does as she sounds unpleasant.

Or at least print out the letter and sleep on it for a week. There is no hurry is there ?

I wouldn't text her anything at all. It just makes you look a bit needy and desperate and will probably have the counter productive effect of her getting in touch with you and most likely making you feel very upset.

My DD recently blocked the number of 2 girls she went to school with. She was the one who made all the effort, they frequently made plans with each other and excluded her and when they did get in touch, it set her confidence back and made her feel like she did when she was at school with them.

Since blocking the numbers she doesn't know/care whether they've tried to contact her or not and her confidence has rocketed.

Your point about "how will I know if something has happened to her"...I have to ask...why does it matter to you? What difference would it make? If you're not mates now, what would her having an accident/terminal illness/relationship breakdown make? You've already said you didn't like the way she made everything about HER..well, that would just be more of the same. And if the ultimate happened and she passed away...again, what difference would it make...she'd be gone and you'd all have moved on with your lives.

Some friendships have a shelf life, this one has reached is long past its best before date.

My view on this is (I’ve just realised) coloured by an earlier experience – I distanced myself from another friend (for different reasons), we didn’t really contact each other for a few years and that was fine. Then one of her dcs died – she got back in touch to tell me and we have been close since. She says it was a silver lining, the healing of our friendship (but then she is an insanely positive person).

Point is, though I don’t want to be in touch with A anymore, the idea that one of her dcs might die, or something else awful, she texts/emails me and I never respond because I’ve blocked her, is scary. No I don’t want to hear about her general exploits that don’t include me, but yes I would be upset if something like that happened, especially if she tried to reach out to me and I was silent. It’s not that I hope we’d magically be brought together again by something like that, more I’d hate to make everything worse by not replying.

Question – if you block someone’s number and email is it obvious, i.e. do they get a “message undeliverable” message or something if they tried to text or email? Because if no, well I am afraid of the above. And if yes, surely then she would realise something was up and I should explain why?

update on my friend I mentioned her friends wake up call was short lived.. She told me her friend had apologised and begged to come and see her because she missed her.. No call and no visit... So maybe some people are just like that..

Good luck Clearly

Yes I can imagine my friend being just the same. Sorry it's happened to your friend too. There do seem to be quite a few people like that around...

What about something like "Hiya, it doesn't seem to be working out that we get to meet up or chat at the moment. I'll leave it to you to let me know a date when you're free to meet"

It leaves things on a relatively good note but puts the ball firmly in her court. Then you can text back a couple of days later. Over time the texts will probably get less and less.

it will still hurt til they peter out completely. But that might be better that tackling it head on and getting a viciously defensive or even attacking text back. That would leave things on a very sour note.

What straightothepoint said, just stop replying and she'll soon stop texting you.