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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting/ manners

50 replies

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:05

Ok, am I old fashioned? When I/we are invited to someone's house for dinner/drinks/ BBQ, We/I always offer to bring or contribute a dish and even if the host declines the offer, we/I always bring at least a bottle of wine / some beers or flowers. I thought this was accepted etiquette. Have found that although my in laws love to drink us dry and accept all offers of contributions to their events, they always turn up to ours empty handed! AIBU to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
Panicmode1 · 07/03/2015 19:07

No YANBU - that is bad manners!

bonzo77 · 07/03/2015 19:07

YANBU.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 07/03/2015 19:09

YANBU. Tell them they need to bring something next time.

Carpetcrawler · 07/03/2015 19:10

I wouldn't expect family members to bring anything.

Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:10

I find it awkward to ask because i think they should offer. what would you say?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:11

What's the difference with family members?They still eat and drink.

OP posts:
westcoastnortherneragain · 07/03/2015 19:11

Just say, if you could bring the wine and or dessert that would be great

Charlotte3333 · 07/03/2015 19:11

It doesn't matter who we go to, we always offer and if they say no we bring wine or something appropriate.

TheoriginalLEM · 07/03/2015 19:11

I wouldnt expect anyone i had invited into my home to have to bring something. Especially family

Janethegirl · 07/03/2015 19:13

I'd ask family to bring specific things but let friends bring what they want.

Family should help you out, not be parasitical Shock

yellowdaisies · 07/03/2015 19:14

I'd ask your DH how to handle it. He should know whether they'd be happy to be asked, or whether they don't think that, as family, they need to bring anything.

Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:15

Ok, Theorigiinal it's not a manner of expecting something , more of a case of manners. if you're hosting 20 people who all like a drink, we expect to supply the bulk but a bottle brought along is a welcome contribution. also, they readily accept our contribution at theirs.If they refused and said" oh no , we enjoyed your hospitality now let us treat you" then it would be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:17

yellow my DH is quote blunt and say sod em, don't bring em anything. But I find it so hard to turn up empty handed.

OP posts:
Carpetcrawler · 07/03/2015 19:18

It's quite stuffy to follow etiquette when it comes to family imo.

yellowdaisies · 07/03/2015 19:20

Well if that's the way they do things in his family, and you've not yet managed to get them to move to your more polite model, maybe you should just go along with their way of doing things and not being out expect contributions to meals

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/03/2015 19:20

I wouldn't expect my parents to bring anything. Mostly because the "thing" being brought is usually alcohol and they don't drink.

But everyone else, I would expect something to be brought.

yellowdaisies · 07/03/2015 19:21

bring or expect

Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:26

Oh carpet , my family are not stuffy at all. I suppose i've just been brought up to think that if someone has been kind enough to invite me to dinner/Sunday lunch/BBQ and has gone to the trouble of shopping, preparing and cooking for me, then the least I can do is bring a gift or contribution.

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 07/03/2015 19:26

Everyone I know brings something when they come to dinner, including dh's family members. I wouldn't really expect it, and probably wouldn't notice if someone forgot to, but if I felt our hospitality was being taking for granted and someone was basically taking the piss, I would probably stop inviting them as much and not make too much effort.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/03/2015 19:27

YANBU. Even if we go to my mother's house for dinner or supper/whatever, we always take a token thing, like a tub of her favourite olives or something.

She wouldn't bat an eyelid if we didn't, and it's not being stuffy. It's just nice to give a small token of appreciation.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 07/03/2015 19:28

Just a bright and breezy "Oh, could you bring something for you all to drink?" would do, OP.
Then just don't buy enough/any of what they normally locust their way through. They can always nip to the offie if they don't want to drink Corporation Pop.

YaTalkinToMe · 07/03/2015 19:32

I think it depends on how close you are.
If I go to my Mum and Dads I don't take anything specifically every time, however I do buy random things for them and give them usually the next time I saw them- like today I saw one of my Dad's fave sweets from childhood so got them and next time I see him (either him coming to me or me to him for food or not) I will give them.
At Christmas (even though we were not there), I saw some coke on offer so grabbed some for them.
That would be the same for my siblings and husbands, as we are close to all.
Someone I am not as close to I would offer and take something.

wigornian · 07/03/2015 19:36

some wine yes, but not a course, the food is already sorted. Drives me mad when people bring a pudding!

Original poster
lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:42

yeswig i know what you mean , though in my in-laws case, one pudding choice is never enough so i'll accept what ever is on offer!

OP posts:
ARoomWithoutAView · 07/03/2015 19:43

Have them round for lunch or supper. Just them. Don't serve alcohol, just a jug of tap water.