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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hosting/ manners

50 replies

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:05

Ok, am I old fashioned? When I/we are invited to someone's house for dinner/drinks/ BBQ, We/I always offer to bring or contribute a dish and even if the host declines the offer, we/I always bring at least a bottle of wine / some beers or flowers. I thought this was accepted etiquette. Have found that although my in laws love to drink us dry and accept all offers of contributions to their events, they always turn up to ours empty handed! AIBU to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2015 19:50

Ordinarily, yanbu.
With friends I would always take something.
But in both mine and dhs families, we all see each other so often, it wouldn't occur to any of us to bring anything.

MrsHathaway · 07/03/2015 19:52

We always offer to take something to the outlaws in-laws', wine or baking usually. They often bring something, but are equally likely to take our "just yourselves" at face value. My family is similar although we live far further apart so it's more complicated.

Always accepting and never offering is not best manners, but I agree with pps that within family the rules are more flexible.

Original poster

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 19:55

Yes but Mrs they accept your"just yourselves" implies that they offered and you declined. That is different to not offering.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 07/03/2015 19:58

I'd assume they don't think it's necessary for family, but think it would be rude to refuse a gift you've brought

OTheHugeManatee · 07/03/2015 20:03

YANBU. We always take something, even to family. It's just what you do. It could be flowers, or jam, or firewood - doesn't have to be booze - but you don't turn up empty-handed when someone is taking the trouble to host.

MrsHathaway · 07/03/2015 20:04

Yes, that's what I mean really. The rules are obeyed (offer, decline) but because it's faaaaaaaaaamily they can skip the "bring anyway" bit.

I would not be surprised if normal guests ignored the decline: for example friends came round told not to bring anything, and brought wine and florentines.

Family should still offer, and sometimes be told "yes actually..." and sometimes not. It's more acceptable to say "yes, how about your homemade chutney" to family than friends.

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 20:05

It's quite stuffy to follow etiquette when it comes to family imo.

Oh my goodness!

YANBU. Couldn't imagine turning up somewhere empty-handed.

pinkisthenewpink · 07/03/2015 20:06

Friends, yes, it's etiquette to bring something. Family, mine or DHs, no, just themselves no need to bring anything.

Feckeggblue · 07/03/2015 20:13

I don't bring anything to say "thank you" or contribute for family. I may well being something if I've seen something they like of been past a flower shop or whatever but that's more likely to be driven by how they are, what's going on at the mo' (ie to cheer them up) if they were throwing a party or something I would of course contribute

It's my mum and dad feeding me in my family home during a visit. It's not "hosting" it's just the same as all the other meals we spent 18 years eating together so I agree the blanket bring a bottle is too formal.

Would usually bring something for friends or wider family though.

YellowTulips · 07/03/2015 20:21

YANBU

When invited I always offer to make a pudding or bring cheese and biscuits for example. Fine if the host says no - but I think it's nice to offer.

Even if I take food id still bring a nice bottle of wine and flowers.

Most friends do the same but like most people we do encounter the odd cheapskates who offers nothing other than a bottle of shit wine (usually white and not chilled so it's not servable back to them) I wouldn't even cook with but are able to consume the good stuff I provide like it's going out of fashion

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 20:22

Actually, maybe I'm being unfair. We don't live close enough to any family to be regularly in and out of each other's houses.

My best friend (of 36 years) is essentially a sister though, and we're in and out of each other's houses and always bring and take, always.

I can't imagine going somewhere for a meal and not taking something, though. A bottle wine is just so easy to take and enjoy.

It seems awfully Presbyterian to arrive for a meal/food somewhere, empty-handed. That's not to say that I'm right, just that I personally couldn't arrive with nothing.

Feckeggblue · 07/03/2015 20:27

Taking wine isn't for you to drink there though, it's a gift for the hosts. Fine if they open it up and serve it but it shouldn't be expected.

Original poster

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 20:40

Thanks for your responses. I feel vindicated in that the majority think it's just decent manners to bring a bottle/gift. You are all very welcome at mine, the rest can eff orff!!!

OP posts:

jazzandh · 07/03/2015 20:41

My inlaws are the same. We always host and I like a drink or 3 as do my SILs - but I have yet to see them turn up with anything at all.....

It's rare that their glasses run dry, but they help themselves to wine from the fridge while they are here if they have run dry for a few minutes....

It wouldn't be so bad if we had the chance to return the favour...but they never "host" family events themselves.....

Original poster

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 20:54

jazz i feel your pain!

OP posts:

carpetcrawler · 07/03/2015 21:07

I see my family all the time , we don't really do formal dinners.

carpetcrawler · 07/03/2015 21:09

Never in a million years would I expect my mum or my grown up kids to bring me a present for cooking them a meal.

Original poster

lovemyway · 07/03/2015 21:34

carpet we don't do formal dinners either. I am referring to occasions where we might say we are having a BBQ on Saturday, come over or we might ask them over for sunday lunch. They will drink and eat and not even bring a bottle. They never return the favour, otherwise i wouldn't mind.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 07/03/2015 21:46

Hmm - in our family the guests always bring something. We had my parents round for Sunday lunch recently - it was my DM's birthday. They still brought a bottle of mine and some flowers. Next weekend we're going to DSis's for Mother's Day. We'll be taking a bottle.

itosh · 07/03/2015 21:51

Not old fashioned just good mannered. I would never turn up somewhere without bring somerhing and can't help but notice if someone comes to mine empty handed. My DH's family are the worst for this..

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 21:51

Wouldn't expect it of family, no.

ChillySundays · 07/03/2015 22:08

If going to a BBQ I ask if i can bring anything. If the host says no I still take wine as I am actually asking if I should bring food. If it is to dinner I tend not to ask but again take wine.

Family is different although although if going to my DS I take wine but not al the time to my parents

thenightsky · 07/03/2015 22:14

Always, always always take something... family or not. I would not dream of turning up at someone's house empty handed. I've never had anyone turn up here empty handed either.

Wine, chocs, beer, flowers... something.

wigornian · 10/03/2015 20:14

lovemyway

Purplepoodle · 10/03/2015 20:20

We are broke so everyone knows when they are invited its byo drink if you want alcohol. Inlaws sounds very very rude

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