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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that moody people are just manipulative fools?

30 replies

JudgeyHotPants · 07/03/2015 13:40

I'm sure we all know people like this. Those who can't handle stress or tiredness or a bad day and rather than deal with it normally like a proper grown up have childlike strops, huffing, puffing and snapping the heads off people around them. My mum is like this and I've had a lifetime (and a belly full) of trying to navigate her moods, to the point that I now refuse to tolerate them by either calling her out on it and deliberately being really cheerful and upbeat.

Occasionally when I've done this I've had an apology for it, but most of the time I'm made to feel like I'm out of order for not understanding that is in a bad mood and that her moods are more important than anything else, and that we should all be in a mood if she is in one. Part of me understands why is like this as her own mum was a very difficult woman, but that's not my fault is it?

What the hell is wrong with these people? Why can't they be grown ups instead of acting like sulky toddlers.

OP posts:

finnbarrcar · 07/03/2015 13:43

I can't stand this sort of behaviour either. I truly wonder why these people continually get away with it. It often happens in the workplace..you'll walk into the staffroom and someone will say "X is in a stonker of a mood today...steer clear" and I think "why the fuck should I?" and just act normally or I completely ignore them.

I've never, ever managed to get away with this. Even when I was younger and a bit of an attention seeking knobette, if I tried to pull this everyone (quite rightly) ignored me. How do some people act like this their whole lives and have people dancing to their tune? How???

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 07/03/2015 14:05

I don't know finn ? I do know that at 60, my mum is unlikely to change now. She's been like this all of my life, and my dad never challenged it because she wears the trousers in the marriage and he's allowed her to get away with it all of these years.

Personally I'd never tolerate this kind of behaviour in a partner. It's pathetic and childish.

OP posts:

TheSolitaryWanderer · 07/03/2015 14:20

The point is, why do you allow them to manipulate you?
If you are a child and powerless, you have no choice in the matter. As an adult, you can withdraw from their company and stop socialising. Or, like finnbarr says, don't chnge and don't engage.
Don't give them an audience for their pettiness.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 07/03/2015 14:57

I don't allow it anymore Solitary, but I did pander to it for a long time.

I suppose the point I'm making is why treat people you love in this way?

OP posts:

ahbollocks · 07/03/2015 15:04

You are not alone! My mum does this too. Its not happened for a few months now but sweet jesus she has been unbearable.
I can vividly remember my dad cooking beautiful meals and her picking through it silently with a slapped arse expression.
She did/does it to the whole family and it is excruciating. God forbid she actually tells you what is the fucking matter.
Its emotionally abusive and cruel.

ahbollocks · 07/03/2015 15:05

I think tbh she thinks it is superior to arguing and shouting but at least that doesn't last a whole day and everyone knows whats up

herbaceous · 07/03/2015 15:14

I had a housemate like this. Walked around with a face like a slapped arse and poisoning the atmosphere. Another housemate eventually got fed up with it, called him out on it, told him he was ruining the atmosphere for everyone else, and he needed to snap out of it. Remarkably, he was genuinely surprised anyone had noticed, and even more surprised it had an effect on anyone else, apologised unreservedly, and has been one of by best friends ever since!

However, I think most sulky arseholes do know they're doing it, and love the silent power it brings. I don't tolerate it either, usually by being irritatingly chirpy.

tormentil · 07/03/2015 15:16

I think that moodiness is part of an arrested development. The people who are moody are acting as if they are children - and they've never learned the grown up way to interact, probably because they didn't have good role models. My mother was unpredictably moody for my entire childhood. Having a conversation was like navigating a minefield. You never knew what was going to trigger a mood. It is manipulative. But it's also a symptom of powerlessness.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/03/2015 15:21

Yanbu.

My late mil apparently used to pretend to have fits when not getting her own way.

I never witnessed this but apparently her mother did the same.

My husband, luckily for him, does not do this. However he can be prone to the huffy behaviour as described in the op. I ignore him and he stops. I suppose it must in some ways be a learnt behaviour for all those who do it?

SaucyJack · 07/03/2015 15:27

Are you my sibling OP? You would honestly think my mum was the only person who'd ever been to work in the whole world the way she carries on sometime.

raffle · 07/03/2015 15:31

Pretend to have a fit?!

That's hilarious!

I'm sorry you never had the chance to witness this, I know I would have been in hysterics. Did everyone have to keep a straight face and pretend to be concerned?

Davsmum · 07/03/2015 15:43

I have a couple of close relatives like this. I don't pander to it. People behave the way they are allowed to. I used to work with a girl who would cry to get her own way, or she would say she was going to throw up,...unbelievable. I got called in by the manager for 'upsetting' her, when in fact, I had just refused to swap lunch hours with her at short notice. She cried. I had to tell the manager I was sick of the way they were all manipulated by her. Didn't go down well!

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 07/03/2015 15:45

lol SaucyJack. Yep, when in a mood my mum acts like she's the person in the history of humanity to have had a bad day. The thing is it's often the most ridiculous things that set her off, I really want to tell her to get a grip but know that it would probably go off like a wet fart if I did.

OP posts:

Fuckup · 07/03/2015 15:52

My mum used to do this frequently too, and i hated it and her growing up, and its had a horrible impact on my self esteem. However, horror of horror since I've been a mum there's been a couple if occasions when I've noticed myself behaving in a similiar way normally if I'm Ill,hungry, stressed or hormonal (not that that's an excuse) but I just snap and I've thrown all the clothes out of a cupboard before, shouted out my dp over something that wasn't really his fault etc. Always feel so ashamed after the feelings worn off. Trying my best not to perpetuate the situation by doing it, then dd copying me, but its tough.

iLoveMushrooms · 07/03/2015 15:58

hate this behaviour i had a "friend" recently who had one if these moods when i asked her to support me going somewhere important and its actually made me dislike her and keep my distance, she was miserable the whole time and i needd someone to keep my nerves down she just pissed me off.
Save your moods for the people who put you in it.

CaoNiMa · 07/03/2015 16:19

I grew up with a mother like this. The day I learned the term "narcissistic mother" was a major milestone/epiphany!

Laquitar · 07/03/2015 16:20

What annoys me is that when these people have a 'good day' or a good 10 minutes and they do something kind or normal really then everybody notice it and the violins come out.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/03/2015 16:53

raffle

It was apparently a sight to behold.

I don't know what I'd have done if I'd ever seen it though not married into a bonkers family probably

Fairyliz · 07/03/2015 17:57

Could I try and put the other side of the story?

Sometimes when I am sad/worried/ ill I sort of withdraw from the world and turn inwards. I don't want to inflict whats wrong on anyone else in case they thing I am stupid/silly etc.
However when I do this I have in the past been accused of being moody.
Not sure whats the best thing to do!

BellMcEnd · 07/03/2015 18:05

My very ex best friend was likely this: her moods were unbelievable and would change like the wind. Everyone would end up treading on egg shells and she could be really really breathtakingly nasty. One day I snapped after she was particular unpleasant right after we had had a family bereavement. I told her exactly what I thought of her and gave been NC since. Best decision I've ever made. She's tried to get in touch but as far as I'm concerned that's it. I think that as long as there's no true underlying reason (MH issues etc) then it's pure juvenile manipulation. I do know that these people can appear very powerful though and it can be difficult to confront them.

BellMcEnd · 07/03/2015 18:07

Fairy I think it's one thing to withdraw and a totally different thing to try and make other's lives a misery

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 18:14

I know how you feel Fairy. I can really struggle with feeling up to being cheery and "switched on" and sometimes I'm just not very good value, or sometimes actually in a sad mood.

However I don't think that's the same as having a strop or sulk in order to make people feel bad or punish people IYSWIM.

IreneA78 · 07/03/2015 20:14

I think there is a distinction to be made between 'sulking' and PA behaviour, and acting in a less-than-cheery manner because you are over-stressed ,over-tired, over-anxious etc , and to do anything other is quite likely beyond your control.

IreneA78 · 07/03/2015 20:16

..and also, unless you walk a mile in their shoes, you might not know which is which.

Boswellox · 07/03/2015 20:43

I think there is a distinction to be made between moody people who turn it all inwards and punish themselves but make an effort not to inflict it on others (although I suppose it does by default..) and moody people who turn it all outwards?

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