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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over child access?

28 replies

BubblesInMyBath · 06/03/2015 20:45

Seperated for several years, previously we were amicable but it's broken down and DS (2.5) now hasn't seen his dad for 2 weeks will be 4 by the time of our mediation session to discuss it (again dads choice due to his own personal reasons that he "needs time" on) il out myself if I say what those issues are but while I have sympathy I don't think it's fair on DS to be dropped and iv certainly never considered that I could take time out from my child due to "issues" of which iv had plenty to cope with.

I don't like DS going to my inlaws as there is medication left lying about within his reach and the tv is never turned over from what I consider unsuitable viewing for him - murder programmes like Dexter etc. It's not something I can tackle with inlaws (tried and failed miserably) and he has also fallen down the stairs due to being left unsupervised, this is what worried me the most - that he was left unsupervised when his dad knew that it wasn't safe to leave him due to the medication not being moved. DS is also at the age where he remembers and discusses what he watches now and I don't think it's fair to expose him?

His dad wanted a sudden overnight visit after no contact for a fortnight and I refused saying I think a few hours in the day is fair given the circumstances plus it was a weekday when he goes to nursery that he was asking for it so wouldn't have had any "time" just bedtime and morning routine then dropped to nursery

Inlaws have health problems, so lots of medication out all the time. I started out not minding DS being there as before he could move about I didn't feel he was at risk but obviously a huge difference between a toddler and a small baby

Ex has been offered to see DS at my home and I would go out. He's refused. I then said I would like a neutral location. He said contact centres are the only option he'd consider if can't have at his parents. I said there are other options which might be cheaper such as park, soft play etc but ok look into contact centres

I then get a snotty reply saying he's not prepared to discuss it for another few weeks

So basically DS is missing his dad for even longer Hmm due to us not being able to work it out.

Am I being controlling or U? I just don't know myself anymore. How should I work this out best for DS?

He adores his dad and is missing him a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 06/03/2015 20:57

Anyone?

OP posts:
Gigi789 · 06/03/2015 21:04

No real advice but u are nbu if u feel ur child could be in danger re the medication. it's never worth the risk...

Starlightbright1 · 06/03/2015 21:10

Is Ex living with in laws?

is Dexter after watershed? If so why is he up at that time?

Has he previously had overnights?

There sounds like a lot of things are not right here and I would be asking for mediation to work them out.

Charlotte3333 · 06/03/2015 21:11

Agree with pp that if there are genuine risks to his safety/wellbeing then you have to put DS first.

If he needs to take time out, that's fine. But it's not parenting. Parenting is the gritty hard work that doesn't relent. You can't waltz in and out as the mood takes you. Don't feel sorry for him, simply continue to do what you feel is right for your son. Your ex is old enough to fend for himself; if he makes shitty choices it's on him.

Was there a specific reason for him suddenly stopping contact? It seems an odd thing to do.

Coyoacan · 06/03/2015 21:17

A contact centre sounds a bit extreme. Could your ex not childproof his parents' home before bringing his son there?

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/03/2015 21:28

I think you've gone above and beyond helping him, youv e even offered your own home and no, I bet he's going on holiday op and is bluffing you.

And there's nothing wrong with trying to keep your child safe, falling down stairs is pretty much unforgivable to be honest.

Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 06/03/2015 21:36

Ex is now living with in laws.

Sky is on the whole time and on demand catch up etc so it's during the day. I once had no choice but to leave DS with mil for ten mins before ex arrived as he was delayed and I had a hospital appt, I turned tv onto peppa pig and made a comment about how I think he'd end up with nightmares seeing what was on, asked ex what was on tv when he arrived - within that short ten minutes it had been changed back...

There have been overnights, in emergency situations where iv been rushed to hospital mainly but not regular or frequent

Iv tried asking about child proofing - ex does acknowledge the risks but inlaws won't actually do anything. Iv been there and found a few pills spilled on the carpet, unnoticed by inlaws etc they're not even deliberately exasperating, they just seem totally oblivious

I'm really peed off that ex gets to waltz in and out but can't get it through that it's not fair on DS. It's happened several times, basically a stressful situation occurs - bereavement, jobloss, health issue etc sort of thing and we fall out, as soon as we fall out he takes "time out" including from DS...

I'm just worried if this goes to court I will be seen as BU?

Ex has threatened to gain custody by claiming I'm emotionally abusive and unreasonable...

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 06/03/2015 21:46

I agree the falling down stairs is unforgivable

But I wouldn't have known had ex not told me, DS wasn't hurt - no bruising and didn't mention it, but ex told me and at the time said he understood if I couldn't trust him again

It's things like this I just don't understand - on the one hand so transparent and acknowledges there are risks... And then later demands contact there or not at all, at least not for several weeks

OP posts:
Gigi789 · 06/03/2015 23:42

I think u defo should be logging these incidents, for ur own peace of mind if nothing else. Perhaps also screen shots of texts or emails discussing contact.

Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 06/03/2015 23:52

Your probably right I should log them

I'm so confused between the one hand - absent selfish accusing me of EA and threatening custody

And the other (when things are friendly between us) doting dad who can come over during the night if DS is unwell, pop round every night to put DS to bed type of dad

It's like it's all or nothing and I'm responsible for which

Before DS he nursed me through years of illness then walked out when DS was a baby saying he had reached his limit... I don't "need or depend" on him anymore but I feel it's DS right to still depend on him

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 06/03/2015 23:53

My son fell down the stairs as a toddler. I don't think that means I'm a bad parent who did something unforgivable. It was an accident. It depends on how he came to fall really.

Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 07/03/2015 00:01

The falling down the stairs wasn't really the issue, I accept accidents happen (and frequently with a toddler)

It was that it happened due to being unsupervised in a setting completely not child proofed where he knows medication is left lying about and sometimes dropped on the floor that is the more worrying part (to me)

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 07/03/2015 00:03

But that's what I mean, unsupervised for how long? Where was his dad?

Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 07/03/2015 00:10

Dad was in the toilet I think. Not long at all.

But plenty of time for my DS to pop pills in his mouth had he got hold of them. And enough time to climb up and fall down stairs.

It's not the stairs I have the issue with, it's that I feel it's an unsuitable environment for DS to be in. Because of course his dad will need to use the loo/answer his phone/scratch an itch or whatever - at some point

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 07/03/2015 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 07/03/2015 00:24

Thanks everyone, I think my main concept which I should have stated in the OP but hopelessly didn't - is would a judge think I was BU?

I'm worrying (hopefully uneccessarily) that if mediation fails a judge might order me to allow access there?

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesInMyBath · 07/03/2015 00:24

Concern not concept!

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 07/03/2015 11:07

In this situation I would go to court. Cafcass will visit the property and address the safeguarding concerns re medicine stair gates etc and make recommendations based on that ie can't have him there till x y z is sorted and they will visit to check it's been done, IIRC.

grannytomine · 07/03/2015 13:37

If you walked into my house and changed the channel on the TV I would ask you to leave with your child and wait outside to hand him over to his father.

Nothing wrong with asking but just doing it? They were doing you a favour as you needed to rush off.

TidyDancer · 07/03/2015 14:10

You were very rude wrt the tv and imo worrying unnecessarily about that. But the medication would worry me. Is it actually lying around on the floor or on a table (etc)?

TendonQueen · 07/03/2015 18:25

I'd be keeping records of all this stuff. I would also send him a message by a means you can easily record (email would be good) saying DS's welfare is the most important thing here and that you are open to discussing contact centre access, as the best next step for now, as soon as he is ready. Put something on record that you made this offer and did so because we safety concerns. I would then start looking into court as stocking says.

chattterbox · 07/03/2015 19:02

I've been in a similar situation as I split with DS's Dad when he was a baby and his housing and parenting isn't ideal in my eyes.

However, I do think you have to let go a little.

How do you know the medication hasn't been moved out of reach? Has your ex volunteered that information?

How old was your DS when he feel down the stairs?

My DD is 2&1/2 and I'll be honest, I'm not watching her every second of the day, we don't have stair gates anymore, she doesn't need them. She could fall down the stairs but then again so could I, accidents do happen.

I understand that you have concerns and worries, but you do need to learn to trust your ex. Long term you need to get used to the fact that you will never know 100% of what goes on when he's with his Dad, but he is a grown adult and he is probably quite capable of looking after his child.

I'm sorry but legally you don't have much right to dictate conditions of the contact, unless you have proof of things like violence etc.
Assuming that there isn't, a court would probably grant him unsupervised access and what he does with your joint DS is really up to him.

It is hard, I know that better than most, I'm much more controlling with my DD as I'm married to her Dad, I'm used to having 100% control over where she goes/what she eats/what she watches etc

But with my DS I had to learn very early on that what his Dad does with him is up to him, he lets him eat total crap, he's come home saying mild swear words, lets him play computer games that I wouldn't normally let him. He has different parenting standards to me, but deep down I know that he is safe.

Do you really think that your ex would let him come to any harm? Really deep deep down?

co-parenting is soooo much easier once you learn to let go of trying to control the other parent and start working together, not against each other.

I've found my ex is much more open and honest with me now that I don't try to control him.

toddlewaddleflipflop · 07/03/2015 19:18

Chatterbox I see what you're saying about not being able to control things when the OP's DS is with his Dad but medication within reach of a 2 yr old is a safeguarding issue she is right to take seriously. It could kill him, unlike unsuitable video games.

chattterbox · 07/03/2015 19:34

I know, but I'm just wondering whether it is a totally genuine concern or whether she's just looking for excuses.
Eg maybe it was just once or twice when there was medication left on a table when DS was a baby and unable to move and in her mind ''there's always medication lying around''. When we get anxious we can exaggerate things in our minds. I'm the bloody world's worst for it!

OP said she was OK with the medication being out when he was a baby but not now he is on the move, but I wondered whether she knows the medication is still lying around.

From other things the OP has said, eg the ex wanting midweek over night contact, it just sounds like she's possibly being oversensitive.

FFTransform · 07/03/2015 20:32

Fundamentally it sound like he is a parent when it suits him, and you are parenting full time. I don´t know why people are trying to judge you for worrying about a situation where (however well meaning) the other people are not aware of the dangers to a toddler and when these dangers are pointed out not are responding.

Even though your DS misses your ex, it is not good for him to be picked up and dropped at your ex´s whims (speaking emotionally here) so I think YANBU - your DS needs love and time from your ex, but consistently and unconditionally - and if that isn´t happening then in your DS´s interests I think it better that you try to enforce it