Have fallen out with best friend and his dp- was it my fault?

[joeyhm]

I am no saint, but is it possible to salvage this friendship?

My (male) friend and I have been close for many years, since we were at school, and went to university together.

He got together with his dp under a cloud- she was in the closing days of a relationship with his flatmate (they would go through long periods of 'trial seperation), and I was often asked to cover for the both of them, which to my shame, I did.
I've never been particularly crazy about her- we work together and can coordinate well, but occaisionally wind each other up in private conversation (we have differing opinions on a number of subjects, and I've always been a sucker for an argument)

The other night, she and I, plus some other people went out drinking (my friend was away), and ended up back at hers, rather drunk. The conversation ended up sex-related, we played 'never have I ever' and friends dp began to list all of the risque things she'd done, with both men and women. She began claiming that she was fantastic in bed and that women could pleasure women more than men, and I (semi-jokingly) interjected that she probably wasn't all that. She looked me in the eye and said 'If I slept with you I'd rock your world' (She does have a tendency to get flirty when she drinks).I replied 'Oh yeah?' and she put her hand on my leg and replied in the affirmative. I felt uncomfortable, and stood up, and said that we should pretend that conversation had never taken place. I left soon after.

Fast forward to today. I'd chalked up the other night to having too many sherberts, and assumed she wouldn't remember- she often claims to have no memory of drinking nights. Lunchtime and I'm with with her, best friend, and some of the people we went out with. I make a reference to the 'Never have I ever' game, on account of the fact that one of the people we played it with is a semi-famous, and best friend's dp goes bright red. This afternoon she sidles up to me and begins complaining that I've gone back on promising her that I wouldn't say anything, and how dare I make fun of her. I respond by pointing out I hadn't referenced her directly, but that if she could remember that conversation then she clearly can't be as drunk as she seems to be and that she should have some self-control about flirting with people, particularly as she knows it winds dp up (probably out of order there). She walks off.

Best friend calls me up this evening and yells down the phone that I've really upset her by making fun of her and 'jusging her', and that I apparently know it really upsets her when people are judgmental. He tells me I'm not welcome at theirs anymore.

I'm not really sure what went wrong there? Was I out of order, or have they overreacted?

You didn't do anything wrong. She got defensive because she was embarrassed. If you want you salvage your friendship I would talk to your friend and simply say "I am sorry girlfriend is upset it really wasn't my intention all I said at lunch was xyz I did not make any reference to what was said"
Never see her again on your own.

Of course you didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't be trying it on with her partner's friends (unless they have an open relationship - do they?).
If one of my friend's partners tried it on with me, the very mildest thing I would say is "You shouldn't be trying it on with me, you know your partner doesn't like it." Some people would, out of loyalty to their friend, tell them the full story.
Don't say anything to her now. Certainly don't apologise. Ask to meet with him, and have a chat about why he us so upset.

sykadelic is spot on. Casually mentioning the game was fine and the gf complete over-reacted. She sounds like a tit and I'd stay well away.

But you should have handled it better when she confronted you. Flaunting your relationship with him (however subtly) is very unfair, and of course it will piss her off. Up to this that point, you held the moral high ground, in that incident at least.

More broadly, you need to have a serious navel gaze at this 'caring deeply' for your friend issue. You are going to continue to impact on both of your future relationships if you keep thinking (consciously or otherwise) that this 'friendship' relationship takes precedence over any other. If you are not going to be a couple, then step back and allow him the dignity of an intimate (and private) relationship with someone else.

I know someone with almost exactly that type of relationship at your age. She's still hung up on her v close 'friend' in her mid thirties, although he clearly has moved on with his life.

motorbike- I agree.

I don't think you should apologise but instead take the opportunity to get things out in the open.

From what I gather the reason you don't like Best friend's DP is because she's treated him badly, flirts with other people when drunk and bangs on about what a fantastic lover she is. Hugely disrespectful not to mention up her own arse.

You've also been put in the difficult situation of having you BF moan about her to you but not being able to dislike her for it.

I would tell your BF how you feel about her rather than apologise.

See your friend on his own and explain factually what happened without actually saying she made a pass at you. Do not apologise to her . Just leave things and see if he contacts you.

she's told him a different story. No way she's told him she touched you up!!! Wouldn't go drinking with her again, she's a liability. Guess you are all in your 20s, but she was totally inappropriate and then to blame you is even worse. I'd be insulted that she touched me and then tried to put the blame on me. He's not got the full story. You sound quite feisty, so he's prob been told you started it.

You said "I felt uncomfortable, and stood up, and said that we should pretend that conversation had never taken place. I left soon after."

So it wasn't really a case of everyone said a few things was it? She flirted with you as you pushed her into a corner by casting doubt on her pissed assertions of how great she was in bed, then reacted when she took the bait. YOU said that you thought that conversation should never have taken place and then brought the game (and therefore that incident) up in front of her dp in the cold light of day. That's bad form.

I agree you need to butt out of their relationship or move on. He is with her so he likes her. Her flirting with others drives him crazy and he tells you but maybe he likes that in an emotional game playing kind of way.
He doesn't see her in the same way as you do. You're making yourself look silly trying to drive them apart.

Sounds like you need to step back a bit. Peacock lady is right, you have been pulling her strings and she sounds too daft to notice.
And who plays stupid games like this as an adult unless you're trying to create a sexualised atmosphere? You sound like you're about 16.
Wasn't going to reply to this because you ABU in so many ways but mainly because you sound incredibly immature but it kept popping up so I crumbled.

It sounds to me like you did it to upset her on purpose, and that you enjoy winding her up. They're probably better off without you.