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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have fallen out with best friend and his dp- was it my fault?

85 replies

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 20:26

I am no saint, but is it possible to salvage this friendship?

My (male) friend and I have been close for many years, since we were at school, and went to university together.

He got together with his dp under a cloud- she was in the closing days of a relationship with his flatmate (they would go through long periods of 'trial seperation), and I was often asked to cover for the both of them, which to my shame, I did.
I've never been particularly crazy about her- we work together and can coordinate well, but occaisionally wind each other up in private conversation (we have differing opinions on a number of subjects, and I've always been a sucker for an argument)

The other night, she and I, plus some other people went out drinking (my friend was away), and ended up back at hers, rather drunk. The conversation ended up sex-related, we played 'never have I ever' and friends dp began to list all of the risque things she'd done, with both men and women. She began claiming that she was fantastic in bed and that women could pleasure women more than men, and I (semi-jokingly) interjected that she probably wasn't all that. She looked me in the eye and said 'If I slept with you I'd rock your world' (She does have a tendency to get flirty when she drinks).I replied 'Oh yeah?' and she put her hand on my leg and replied in the affirmative. I felt uncomfortable, and stood up, and said that we should pretend that conversation had never taken place. I left soon after.

Fast forward to today. I'd chalked up the other night to having too many sherberts, and assumed she wouldn't remember- she often claims to have no memory of drinking nights. Lunchtime and I'm with with her, best friend, and some of the people we went out with. I make a reference to the 'Never have I ever' game, on account of the fact that one of the people we played it with is a semi-famous, and best friend's dp goes bright red. This afternoon she sidles up to me and begins complaining that I've gone back on promising her that I wouldn't say anything, and how dare I make fun of her. I respond by pointing out I hadn't referenced her directly, but that if she could remember that conversation then she clearly can't be as drunk as she seems to be and that she should have some self-control about flirting with people, particularly as she knows it winds dp up (probably out of order there). She walks off.

Best friend calls me up this evening and yells down the phone that I've really upset her by making fun of her and 'jusging her', and that I apparently know it really upsets her when people are judgmental. He tells me I'm not welcome at theirs anymore.

I'm not really sure what went wrong there? Was I out of order, or have they overreacted?

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 06/03/2015 21:08

I don't get it. As far as I understood, your mention of playing "never have I ever" made no reference to what she said that night and so didn't "make fun of her". She clearly remembers what she said to you and you were right to tell her she was out of order in her behaviour. It's not as if it's none of your business, because it was you she was flirting with and make some quite strong advances towards. You had a right to express your feelings about that. Your best friend has, IMO been very unfair to you and in your position I'd steer clear of both of them from now on. Their loss.

Marshy · 06/03/2015 21:09

Maybe ' pleased with yourself' is putting it a bit bluntly. Just saying for consideration - calm down Grin

I agree, it's difficult to apologise if you don't know for sure what he\ they have taken exception too.

Maybe a conversation with him when everyone is a bit calmer?

workadurka · 06/03/2015 21:11

So you don't like her at all (maybe jealous?).

So you covered up their "affair" in the early days - don't know why you've brought that up here tbh, except to bitch about her. They're still together now so clearly it was the right move.

You were nasty to her on the drunk night out saying she wasn't all that. It probably made her defensive. She almost certainly knows you don't like her, so why would she take it as a joke?

You shouldn't have brought the game up, the way you come across I wouldn't be surprised if you did it out of spite to make her squirm.

I think you need to apologise but maybe once you've done that keep your distance.

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:11

Does it really matter that she made a pass at you when drunk?
It does in the sense that its something which annoys my best friend, and I've been on the receiving end of it. I feel awkward, but had today not happened I wouldn't have mentioned it to anyone. I'm not particularly happy about causing trouble between them- what makes it seem like I am

We're mid-20s. I don't really want to lose best friend- we've been close for over 15 years.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/03/2015 21:14

What's happened here is she's gone back and had a pop at him for discussing things he doesn't like her doing with you. He's had to go on the offensive with you to appease her. And you should definitely not have said anything referring to him having discussed her flaws with you.

So, two choices. Either apologise to them both profusely. Or message him saying you're sorry if you've crossed a line but you don't appreciate his DP coming on to you.

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:17

Probably the second option- I'm not sure if she's mentioned that though, so after today, I don't want to be the one to open that can of worms.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 06/03/2015 21:18

I can only go on what I've read but it seems odd to me that you would bring it up, to worry her maybe?

He shouldn't be discussing her with you because you have somewhat of a relationship with her too, though you clearly can't stand her.

And if he is bitching to you, you sure as shit shouldn't be throwing it in herface!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/03/2015 21:20

She won't have mentioned it. But the fact is, he's moaned about her to you and you've told her. You either apologise and pretend it's a cock up on your part or you apologise and tell him the reason you said it.

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:23

When we went out the other night, we went out with someone who is occaisionally in the news. They got rather legless. Best friend asked what they were like. We debriefed him, and I added that we played never have I ever, but said person was too drunk to play and consequently we didn't get anything juicy out of them. That's it. What she, or anyone else, said really didn't cross my mind.

OP posts:
DecaffTastesWeird · 06/03/2015 21:23

Oh OP that sounds like a complicated situation!

It sounds like his DP is maybe a bit insecure tbh. Hence the whole competetive "I'm a fantabulous lovah" talk. I don't think she fancies you (I don't think you honestly think that either). I think she is probably a bit intimidated as you know her DP so intimately and she is probably an insecure person. FWIW, you really should have been gracious enough to see that and not bring it up. Best friends are powerful influencers and it can get complicated when you get drunk with your best mate's DP.

I don't blame them for being a bit upset with you as it sounds like you embarrassed the DP. I know he's your bestie but I am a big believer in the sisterhood. I wouldn't have brought the incident up as it seems catty and there was no need.

Your best mate shouldn't have yelled at you though. Maybe that was to make his DP feel more secure.

knackered69 · 06/03/2015 21:26

Ach - it's Friday night and I'm on the vino meself - what I would say is that what happens on tour stays on tour.There are obviously subtle dynamics that I am not sure about that are going on here, but on the front of it I would apologise, draw a line under it, and maybe have a chat to her later x

landrover · 06/03/2015 21:26

I realise this may not be the point of thread, but silly games like "Never Ever". Really? Are you all not getting a bit old for that?

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:29

You're only as old as you feel, and I feel twentysomething 19

OP posts:
AwfulBeryl · 06/03/2015 21:31

Well, as you know op, this is much ado about nothing.
I can't even see why she is that embarrassed tbh, not if everyone was making a tit of themselves.

Do you think she meant "the pass at you" seriously ?
Obviously I wasnt there, but it sounds to me like drunken banter and lots of people I know get a bit flirty when drunk - not me though, I am vaire sensible

Do you think she might think you stormed off and got a bit arsey with her on said drunken night ? Maybe she just remembers it all completely differently to you.

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:33

On the strength of your invaluable advice, I've drafted (but not yet sent), a message to best friend along the lines of 'I'm sorry if I was out of order talking to dp earlier, I didn't realise what I'd said. I hope we can put this behind us'

OP posts:
joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:35

Possibly, but I left with another friend about the same time. It probably was banter, but she does get quite full on, which is what annoys her dp.
I'm bitching again

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 06/03/2015 21:40

Why aren't you apologising to the person you actually upset?

The more I read the more I think you should just go over there and piss onhim and be ddone with it.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/03/2015 21:41

Excuse the writing. My phone is crazy.

AwfulBeryl · 06/03/2015 21:41

The thing is, if there is a bit of tension between you anyway then she will possibly misread a lot of what you say and do, if alcohol is involved it will make it even worse.
I do agree with pp who say you shouldn't have told her what your friend says about her, maybe that's why he is so annoyed too.

I have a moan about my DP to my mates / Mum etc, I would be mortified if they repeat edit to him.
What is it that you don't like about where ?

Marshy · 06/03/2015 21:46

Hi op
I drafted you a very insightful post (obvsGrin) but then some idiot dp phoned me and I lost it.

So just to say, you need to decide if you want to preserve these friendships and act accordingly whilst preserving your integrity - so that's simple!

Two further things:

  • the drunken pass was meaningless showing off
  • he's with her and has to support her but I'd put money on it not lasting

Now as I've had a glass or two or wine I'm going to make my exit before I say something I have to deny all knowledge of in the morning.

Good luck, love ya!

Squeegle · 06/03/2015 21:48

She sounds awful
I'd leave them to it
Catch up in a year or so, hopefully when they've split up

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 21:55

I'm not sure really, we've just never got on massively. She can be quite flakey- she's often complained to me that people slight her, when I don't think they have. She went for a senior position last year, and a chap we work with got it. She complained to me that she puts in more effort than he does and that he only got the job because he was male- which I thought was bollocks. Also best friend often talks to me about her, and they seem to row a lot, one falling out was over the fact that bf has been selected to run for his dream job in May, albeit in an area twenty miles away or so, and his dps upset that she's seeing and may see less of him because of it- but she thinks he should be happy for her to travel frequently with her job, which personally I think is out of order.

OP posts:
rebelfor · 06/03/2015 21:58

If he's confiding in you about her you're betraying his trust by letting her know.

He probably genuinely is mad at you.

sleeponeday · 06/03/2015 22:02

I agree. You didn't do anything wrong by her. You did by him, when telling her her behaviour annoys him, which could only mean he's told you as much. You broke his confidence. How can he confide in you as freely again?

joeyhm · 06/03/2015 22:09

Well, work's going to be fun on monday anyway. Hopefully he'll accept my apology for saying things in the heat of the moment- he knows I can be risable.

OP posts:
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