Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go to the wedding and ignore DP mum

44 replies

Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:14

Or stay at home and save myself the mither?

I've been NC with DP mum since Xmas after five years of her being twatty. It's been bliss. DP takes the dc to see her every week and it's worked out well. (Until last night)

We been invited a family wedding on DP side, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm good friends with who is getting married as we have medical issues in common and we chat regularly in private and obviously wedding chat.

I assumed myself and mil would just be civil to each other in the day and enjoy the celebrations. Also the time we have spent apart I thought she would have mellowed a bit.

Last night there was a incident not a big one but enough to let me know she is still fizzing away with bitterness. I spoke to DP about it and the upcoming wedding and he acknowledges its 100% his mum and said we should just stay at home. Apparently he has been worried about it makes sense the comments he made about him going to the church alone with his mum and collecting me later when I've settled the kids. Hmm she will expect him to escort her there.

Last week he went for a meal with his mum and I just assumed it was him and his sibling but it turned out it was a family gathering with extended members who was asking where I was. Although it wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't told DP it was a family gathering but I can't be sure.

I feel like I'm being cut out of family celebrations (by DP) as it's easier I didn't go not to make her unhappy therefore making him feel uncomfortable even though I've done nothing wrong against her ever.

He has supported me in not having her at our home but is the price of that I know have to pretend I don't exist?

She did this with BIL wife. She has deviorced bill now but I remember being at a family do and people asking about her and the kids. Mil made no secret in the fact that the didnt get on and people kind of gave a knowing look and just got on with their meal - and it's happening to me now.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm sick of bringing it up. The contact with my kids is being stopped. She doesn't get to be a twat with me and enjoy my kids. It's just going to make the situation worse though.

I watched sil back down a million times to try and keep the peace even when mil had been hotties, but I can't do that.

DP has been NC in the past with her over one of his girlfriends for a couple of years and she never tried to make amends it was him that reached out to her when he and is ex split so I think he knows where this will end up if he takes it to far.

Fed up

Flowers for getting this far

OP posts:
LokiBear · 05/03/2015 17:26

Go to the wedding. Have a good chat with dh and tell him you do not want to be left out of family events. Reassure him you are going to be perfectly civil (must be hard for him) but do go. At the end of the day, she will want to attend important events in your dcs lives so she needs to accept that you will be there at family events and learn to be civil. Good luck Flowers

TheNothingGirl · 05/03/2015 17:27

For me personally, I would speak to my friend (the family member getting married) and explain you don't want to cause issues and that whilst your happy to go along and be civil with mil if your paths should cross but your not sure mil will be the same and as a result your worrying about going in case anything happens but at same time you don't want to offend her by not going. That gives her chance to ask you to come regardless or to agree and say it may be best for you to stay away.

As an aside I would be pulling my oh up about me being frozen out of family gathering with extended family as why is he happily going along with you being punished despite acknowledging it's his mother in the wrong?

I'm sure others will be along soon wih better advice but that's how I would handle it myself. Flowers

LokiBear · 05/03/2015 17:27

Don't stop the visits....yet. If I were you I'd be setting my stall out. If you want to see your grandkids then you will be civil and respectful to me.

BadgersNadgers · 05/03/2015 17:35

Hmm. Tricky. I'm going through a similar thing in that I am NC with my mother and received an invitation to my sister's wedding. Fortunately Hmm my sister has decided that she doesn't want me at her wedding after all so there's no longer a dilemma.

In your case I would ask the bride and groom what they would like you to do since it is their day. Assuming they are aware of the situation they would likely try to keep you as far apart as possible so it might be OK if you can put up with getting the hairy eyeball from your MIL. You need to talk to your DH about enabling her behaviour because people like her rely on everyone else rolling over and taking it. She will never change but he can change his response to her to make things better for his family - and by his family I mean you and your children. I think it sounds like you would all be better off if you all go no contact with her but I appreciate how difficult it is when it's your own parent and how easy it is to be sucked back in too.

BadgersNadgers · 05/03/2015 17:38

Oh and I would avoid using your children as a bargaining tool. Unless they need protecting from her it's wrong to cut contact.

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:38

Thanks for replies Flowers

I thought I had set my stall out but clearly I hadnt. I just seem to be saying 'if she does one more thing..." It's never ending.

I actually didn't really think about the family gathering until today and it's really pissed me off. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight.

I know I can be perfectly civil to mil and DP knows it too, but is more worried about his mum so I think would rather I didn't go Confused

She is known for her rudeness in the family but people just put it down to "oh you know what x is like - usually followed by some anecdote about how rude she was to so and so and then a eye roll.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 05/03/2015 17:42

I think you need to have a word with your dh, he's part of the problem. Personally I wouldn't have this kind of relationship that's spilt where your dh goes with the kids etc, it's the whole family or nothing. As far as she's concerned she's in the right, backed up with your dh

As for the wedding course you should go, just blank mil. It takes two to argue, just don't engage with her.

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:43

im not using my kids as barganing tools I'd honestly be happy if I never see her again. She emotionally blackmails her DGS. So having her absent in my dc life's would be no loss. PLUS - she doesn't get to enjoy thrm if she can't drag the strength from somewhere to just ignore me and not carry the situation on.

I would sit with mil she wouldn't sit with me and then DP would be miserable that he had to choose - which I know would be me but the night would be spoiled

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 17:44

If they know what's she's like and you're prepared to be polite/ignore then go.

She can show herself up. Not your problem.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 17:45

think you need to have a word with your dh, he's part of the problem. Personally I wouldn't have this kind of relationship that's spilt where your dh goes with the kids etc, it's the whole family or nothing. As far as she's concerned she's in the right, backed up with your dh

I agree

Scholes34 · 05/03/2015 17:47

If people generally know that you MIL is the problem and you're able to bite your lip for the afternoon/evening, why not go?

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:48

pretty I agree also

OP posts:
UmizoomiThis · 05/03/2015 17:51

But it isn't your family, so why are you surprised when they had to chose sides, they chose family over you? You may remain civil, but there's still obviously going to be an atmosphere and they choose to avoid having to deal with that at gatherings. It doesn't matter who started it or who's is being unreasonable as far as they're concerned - they simply don't want the tense atmosphere. If you want your IL and extended family to invite you to their family events, you need to make up with the MIL. If you don't, then just accept they will chose inviting MIL over you to their family events.

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:58

umi no one has taken sides Confused

It's my DP that feels put in the middle. No one else. Hence why I got the invite and people were asking for me at the meal. Have you actually read my posts?

OP posts:
WaxOnWaxOff · 05/03/2015 17:58

Your DP is the problem here.

You've been invited to the wedding, so the family member wants you there and is happy to have you there, you want to go, it's only your DP that seems to have a problem with it.

You suspect your DP knew it was a family meal and chose not to invite you, and I think you're right.

TheNothingGirl · 05/03/2015 18:02

Your Dp is the problem. If your being civil but his dm us still being a nasty piece of work then who is it 'putting him in the middle'? Because it certainly isn't you. He should be telling his mum to wind her nasty little tongue in-by saying nothing he is enabling her to be a bully! Oh and then emotionally blackmailing you to take it or keep away (boo hop I'm so in the middle-it's so hard! I know your being bullied but as long as it's not me why should I say something? Just shut up and put up)

DecaffTastesWeird · 05/03/2015 18:06

I would go and ignore her. If you see her drinking lots, run a mile! Too much alcohol makes bitchy people super bitchy IME.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/03/2015 18:07

Well what do you reckon your dp is going to say ? I have to say that in my family the nightmare mil is my mum, we just don't give her the chance anymore to have a go and we don't enable her.

I went nc 4 years ago for 2 years and now she knows that if she goes back to behaving like a spoilt child we just don't call or visit. She is a typical narc and I just won't put up with her shite anymore, I certainly don't expect my dp to put up with it either.

If yours expects you to put up and shut up frankly it's just rude, especially as he's not even on the receiving end of any of the nasty behaviour.

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 18:29

thenothing your spot on.

pretty DP did expect me to put up and shut up like every one else has too as she is prone to crying and shouting if challenged (but funnily enough when I challenged her in my own - she was very calm)

Now I've spoken out I think DP expects us to behave as two different families. Which I didn't realise till today, after all - he benefits from supporting me not having her at our home as she isn't causing havoc on a daily basis.
I think he will nod, say "your right" then shit himself that he may have to stand up to her.

OP posts:
TheNothingGirl · 05/03/2015 18:50

But he isn't supporting you by not having her in your home. Supporting you would be saying 'you will no longer be welcome to come to visit us at our home, your behaviour towards Madam is uncalled for and I will not tolerate you treating her like this. Without a genuine apology and an assurance you will stop treating her badly i won't be putting madam in the position to be bullied or the children in tbe position of watching their mother be treated badly. Oh and as for us visiting at your house? No that doesn't work for us, we come as a family or not at all and I expect every member of my family to be treated with respect'.

All he is currently doing is enabling his mother to get her own way by freezing you out. She sees her ds and gc so she actually has no reason to change her behaviour towards you. Same with the family outings he is cutting you out, he should be going with you and shielding you from her venom or staying home with you and making it clear that he supports you.

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 18:59

thenothing your right, I spoke to my DGM about it today and said similar but she says she can understand the position DP is in Confused

If a member of my family treated him like this I would be gunning for them and have said this to him but he thinks he has done enough obviously.

OP posts:
TheNothingGirl · 05/03/2015 19:14

I too understand his position-it's not an easy one to be in. It's scary standing up to your family, you revert back in mind at least to being the little child you were growing up-scared of putting a foot wrong. But there comes a time where you have to make break the chain. By allowing her to continue bullying you he is basically sacrificing you in place of him and even worse he is giving your children the message it is okay.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/03/2015 19:35

Yeah it wasn't easy standing up to my mum, I had palpitations and allsorts....I stressed about it for months

Original poster
Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 19:43

I was like that at Christmas when I confronted her, I was shaking like a leaf. I expected fire works but she was weirdly calm, denied everything but maybe it's because there wasn't an audience. I honestly thought this would be the end of it but all that's happened is that I've been isolated by DP - which I don't think he has done intentionally but nether the less it's still happened. He is on his way home now so I'll chat to him soon about it.

Thanks for support Flowers

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 05/03/2015 19:56

I'm in a similar position ( NC but with a DH who is in contact ) , we attended a family wedding intending to ignore the Inlaws ( DH is very supportive of my position) and frankly it was awkward for everyone who knew both us and them . We have declined invites to any family events on his side ever since - my DH would not consider going on his own to a family event .( except his fathers funeral which he attended ) . I actually feel quite sorry for my DH as it is a difficult position to be in .