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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go to the wedding and ignore DP mum

44 replies

Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 17:14

Or stay at home and save myself the mither?

I've been NC with DP mum since Xmas after five years of her being twatty. It's been bliss. DP takes the dc to see her every week and it's worked out well. (Until last night)

We been invited a family wedding on DP side, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm good friends with who is getting married as we have medical issues in common and we chat regularly in private and obviously wedding chat.

I assumed myself and mil would just be civil to each other in the day and enjoy the celebrations. Also the time we have spent apart I thought she would have mellowed a bit.

Last night there was a incident not a big one but enough to let me know she is still fizzing away with bitterness. I spoke to DP about it and the upcoming wedding and he acknowledges its 100% his mum and said we should just stay at home. Apparently he has been worried about it makes sense the comments he made about him going to the church alone with his mum and collecting me later when I've settled the kids. she will expect him to escort her there.

Last week he went for a meal with his mum and I just assumed it was him and his sibling but it turned out it was a family gathering with extended members who was asking where I was. Although it wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't told DP it was a family gathering but I can't be sure.

I feel like I'm being cut out of family celebrations (by DP) as it's easier I didn't go not to make her unhappy therefore making him feel uncomfortable even though I've done nothing wrong against her ever.

He has supported me in not having her at our home but is the price of that I know have to pretend I don't exist?

She did this with BIL wife. She has deviorced bill now but I remember being at a family do and people asking about her and the kids. Mil made no secret in the fact that the didnt get on and people kind of gave a knowing look and just got on with their meal - and it's happening to me now.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm sick of bringing it up. The contact with my kids is being stopped. She doesn't get to be a twat with me and enjoy my kids. It's just going to make the situation worse though.

I watched sil back down a million times to try and keep the peace even when mil had been hotties, but I can't do that.

DP has been NC in the past with her over one of his girlfriends for a couple of years and she never tried to make amends it was him that reached out to her when he and is ex split so I think he knows where this will end up if he takes it to far.

Fed up

for getting this far

OP posts:

Jessica147 · 05/03/2015 19:58

Madam, have you read "toxic inlaws"? It really helped me to approach DP in a fair and reasonable way when his DM decided she wouldn't see me.

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 20:21

Yes I read that book it was what enabled me to go NC. It was a real eye opener.

Just a quick update - DP came in and talked about how I was feeling. So glad I had the responses here as it helped me put it in a more coherent way.

He says 100% supports me and he tried to speak to her last week but she walked out of his brothers house. I told him that was her way of getting him to STFU and that it worked. He said he had no idea it was a family gathering, his mum just told him it would be him and BIL, which I believe. She also organised it.

He said he will wash his hands with her if she carries on but how many last chances can she have? We're supposed to be getting married abroad next year and he said she won't be invited as she will only get pissed and cry.

Regarding the wedding he said lets go but he would spend half the night running between us because he would have to go NC to not sit with her as she would see it a massive snub. I actually woundnt have been arsed sat at the table ! Obviously this is much bigger than I thought.

I knew he would take this stance but talk is cheap I'll just have to see what happens. I just wish she would grow the fuck up.

Thanks for responses

OP posts:

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 20:31

Actually just reading that back nothing has changed. Lots of bluster but not actually dealing with problem. I think he wants me to say "stop speaking to her" so then he can say I'm making him choose but I wont.

OP posts:

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 21:05

the nothing spot on, spot on.

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 21:08

because he would have to go NC to not sit with her as she would see it a massive snub. I actually woundnt have been arsed sat at the table

But who cares if she sees it as a snub?

why cant he simply go with you as a family and speak to her, be civil and as any other couple do at a wedding.

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 21:09

he is afraid of her isnt it.

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 21:10

I would put all wedding plans on hold with immediate effect I am afraid he needs to get out of his comfort zone here and decide what to do.

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 21:10

I mean your wedding, sorry posting has jammed!

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/03/2015 21:52

Argh, MN needs to club together and buy in a good therapist to run group sessions for all these men who would really like their wives/partners to be co operative and behave nicely while their mother bullies and abuses them. (And please don't mention it or complain about it afterwards.)

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 05/03/2015 22:12

Hi all,

He is afraid of the fall out I think. He already went NC with her years ago after she physically attacked his ex. He was only in his late teens then and when they split up he had to make amends as he was homeless. In that time, two years, she never backed down. So he knows that once that line is crossed, it's crossed.

She is really good at manipulating. Tears, suiside threats, lies so even though her family know what's she is like it all gets forgiven.

I once was at a family do and she introduced her SIL husband to dp and I by saying " Madame & DP, this is X, you remember X don't you? The one that had the nervous brake down?" In front of his face. No one knew what to say or where to look.

MN therapy sounds good.

OP posts:

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 31/03/2015 19:03

So a bit of an update.

Bride has just messaged me if I received the invite. Nope. She gave them to mil who obviously hasn't give them to DP. She has had them for a while. dp sees her twice a week so she has had plenty of opportunities to hand them over - around five or six.

I'm honestly about to lose my temper with this.

OP posts:

AgentSydneyBristow · 31/03/2015 19:18

But is your Dp going to have your back? What's he said about it?
My Dp stood back and watched his DB bully me for 4 years-the catalyst for him was when Bil demanded that from 'now on I will see my nieces and you without Agent'...
He told him in a wishy washy way 'I think your being silly agent hasn't done anything wrong' and then said to me he 'was in the middle' and maybe it would be better for all of us for the kids and him to visit BIL without me....my reply-yeah that's fine, are you moving out or am I? Because obviously if your going to exclude me from your little family with Bil and our children you can't expect me to be prepared to wait at home to welcome you back with welcome arms when I'm good enough to be part of your family...oh and as for being in the middle-what have I done wrong to your brother to deserve to be ostiricised from my own family? What have I said to him?' When he replied that Id done nothing I pointed out that in that case then he wasn't in the middle but was instead choosing to paint himself as a victim instead of admitting that I was the victim of both him and Bil-bil for being a bullying twat and dp for standing back and allowing me to be treat like shite and scapegoated.

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 31/03/2015 19:26

agent he is being wishywashy. Everyone knows what's she is like. Her behaviour isn't just directed at wives and girlfriends.

I don't know what to say to him now when he gets in as I know she will say she 'forgot'. And he will go along with that as he has no proof. I'm going to end up looking as if I'm looking for trouble.

OP posts:

AgentSydneyBristow · 31/03/2015 19:34

How do you feel about playing the game for this one?
its quite plausible to your dp that she could have forgotten-so smile and say 'no harm done, already let bride know we'd be there...'
Then at the wedding go and be your normal self-when mil is there smile and say hello, do the pleasantries than mingle....
Rinse and repeat each time she is near....she only had three options, be nice back, ignore you or be a bitch..obviously if it's one of the latter two you have proof for dp that it is her so when he plays the 'I'm stuck in the middle, poor me' record you can point out that actually you were nice and his mother wasnt and that actually he wasn't not has ever been in the middle but once again he stood back and allowed his mother to be vile to you...

AgentSydneyBristow · 31/03/2015 19:40

Might also be worth you asking for this thread to be moved into relationships too as there are some lovely people on there who could offer you some fantastic advice.

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 31/03/2015 19:43

I was going to play the game at the wedding. I can be civil. I went NC at Xmas after her bullshit. DP agreed she had been a knob and was going to go and tell her not to come to the house anymore . Only she came here before he got to her and I told her. Which has put DP in no mans land (or rather he has put himself there) so he is bouncing between the two of us. Thinking he is keeping the peace.

I could have easily sat with her but apparently it's not to be and he got himself het up with the idea of flitting between the two of us at the do . Which really fucked me off as I havnt done anything!

He mother is the only reason we could split up and I've told him that. I'm not prepared for the next 20/30 years to be like this.

Im just running through my head of all the arsey things I can say about going to get them fucking back!

OP posts:

Original poster

Madamgazelle1 · 31/03/2015 19:44

thanks agent I will

OP posts:

maliaki · 31/03/2015 21:29

I'm sorry OP. The fact is if people all went NC or challenged others like this then they'd either reign in their shit or have no one to poison with it. Sadly, people spend their whole lives trying to balance, cajole and juggle and end up regretful and bitter when- in later life- they realise all that the toxic person has cost them. I really hope you DH gets himself some counselling and maybe assertiveness training or something so he doesn't become one of those people and you both don't end up heartbroken.

CrapBag · 31/03/2015 22:21

I thought your DP agreed he was going to sort this out with her? Clearly he has done nothing then.

I would be angry too OP, he needs to grow a backbone and tell her to fuck off. He's done it before so I don't get what his problem is.

Thank goodness the bride emailed you.

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