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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH being an arse?

27 replies

Rabbishes · 05/03/2015 16:09

5yo DS has broken his friend's action figure at school. DS story is that they were playing together with it, they each had an arm and were pulling it "playing stretchers". Friend's story is that DS was trying to take it off him and the pulling back and forth was them fighting over it.

As I didn't see the incident, it was on school premises during school hours, and I've heard two different versions I don't think I can tell DS off or issue any sort of sanction or punishment. Instead I've had a talk with him about respecting other people's property and said that, regardless of how it happened, he should apologise to his friend for his part in it.

DH thinks I'm being soft and that DS should either have to give the friend his favourite toy to keep or use his piggy bank money to buy the friend a replacement toy. He has also asked DS if he thinks we should take a toy to school tomorrow for the friend to break in return.

I'm told him, out of earshot of the children, that he's being an arse OTT over a trivial issue that had already been resolved.

Am I right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rabbishes · 05/03/2015 16:13

And just to give the other side, other mum was not aware that her DS had put his turtle in his bag this morning. I did offer to buy a new one and she said no as he shouldn't have taken it in the first place for this sort of reason.

OP posts:
maz210 · 05/03/2015 16:16

If his friend is upset and your son accepts that he had equal responsibility in breaking the toy then I would offer to replace or at least put some money towards a new one. If you don't want to do this could your son perhaps write a letter to his friend to say he's sorry the toy got broken?

It's a bit of a grey area because really the boy shouldn't take the toy to school if he was worried about it getting broken. I always tell my kids not to take anything precious to school in case it is broken or goes missing. However it sounds like the other boy is blaming your son for the breakage and that does put a different slant on things.

Your OH's suggestion of taking one of your sons toys to school to be broken is utterly ridiculous, it solves nothing and would be very cruel. Tell him two wrongs don't make a right!

turquoiseamethyst · 05/03/2015 16:20

Sorry to say I don't think your DS's version of events sounds particularly likely. That would concern me more than a 'sorry I was being silly' would.

I think offering to replace it and apologising is sufficient but I can see where your DH is coming from. I also don't think it happening in school hours is a reason why you shouldn't punish your son!

Davsmum · 05/03/2015 16:22

You have no idea what actually happened. Either boy could be telling lies. Its just one of those unfortunate things that happen.
The other boys mum doesn't expect you to pay. She sounds sensible - Her boy took something to school he should not have taken- it got broken- Lesson learned.
I could understand your DH attitude if he had seen the incident. Why is he quick to believe it was your DS fault? Or is it because he knows your DS is likely to do what the other boy claimed?

Morelikeguidelines · 05/03/2015 16:24

I would offer to replace it myself, as I think you have done. I wouldn't necessary make ds pay at that age unless you thought he was at fault (I.e more than a simple acaccident).

I certainly wouldn't make him give away a favourite toy especially as the other boy might not even want it!

But I would have a word with ds about being careful and say you won't be replacing toys for him every time, including if he breaks his own.

Georgethesecond · 05/03/2015 16:26

It's quite possible they were both telling the truth - OP's child was playing stretching (the sort of dumb thing small children do) and the other child thought he was trying to grab it. No one needs to be lying.

trulybadlydeeply · 05/03/2015 16:28

I think the friend's explanation is more likely, to be honest, however you've spoken to DS, asked him to apologise to his friend, and offered to replace the toy. to me, that would be the end of it. I don't think your DS should give his friend a favourite toy, or give him one to break in return Shock.

Children will always fight over toys, and, as the Mum said, he shouldn't have taken it to school.

If your DH insists on DS "doing" something, could he buy his friend a small packet of sweets out of his pocket money as an apology?

Jinglebells99 · 05/03/2015 16:29

I too think your son's version is suspect. The other boy shouldn't have had the toy in school but it sounds to me your son was trying to get it from the other child. I would replace the toy.

Original poster
Rabbishes · 05/03/2015 16:30

DH gets very stressed out about what people think and would rather people think he's acted than not acted at all. It's something he's working on.

Both versions sounds likely in all honesty as "stretchers" is a made up game him and his friend play together however they do also occasionally squabble over toys. So its 50/5p over who is telling the truth.

He does get punished for things I don't witness and things that happen at a school however on this occasion I don't know for certain that he has done anything punishable as I don't know which boy is telling the truth. By all accounts they were both upset over the toy breaking.

Other mum has said she doesn't want a replacement as she's told her DS before not to take toys to school and says he's learnt his lesson. We're friends so if she was cheesed off she'd say so.

OP posts:
turquoiseamethyst · 05/03/2015 16:30

Possibly George but then the DS's behaviour would have led directly to breaking the toy.

I've just come across this before - frantic rewriting of history, insistence of the absence of blame, mother who says 'well what can I do?' and it doesn't bode well.

TheCraicDealer · 05/03/2015 16:30

I think I would have him pay half out of his piggy bank. Even accepting his version of events, he should have known that playing with it like that was likely to end with the toy being broken. I agree with your DH.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 05/03/2015 16:30

We're talking about 2 five year old boys here! No-one needs to write a letter! Toys get played with. Sometimes they get broken.

OP - you offered to pay / replace. Offer nicely refused. End of.

cathpip · 05/03/2015 16:31

I would offer to replace but I am along the same line of thinking as the other mum. If you don't want a toy broken don't take it into school, it was an accident waiting to happen, lesson learned! Your dh is being ott.

DoJo · 05/03/2015 16:35

Why does your husband not think that your offer to pay was enough? She clearly thinks that you have done enough, so why is he so keen to make more of it than the victim or his mum?

Number3cometome · 05/03/2015 16:37

You offered, it wasn't accepted, move on.

They are 5, it's six of one, half dozen of another.

You and the other Mum have spoken, DH needs to butt out.

Bet the kids forget it before the parents do Grin

DoJo · 05/03/2015 16:39

By 'she' I meant the other mum - who else does he think would be judging either of you for failing to do more.

Paintedpinksapphires · 05/03/2015 16:40

Your DS should not have been holding another child's toy in a manner which caused it to break. He is (at least) partially responsible for the breakage (whether deliberately or not) and if it were my son would be making reparations of some sort, agreed with other Mum if necessary.

Mousefinkle · 05/03/2015 16:41

DH is being a bit too strict IMO. I think you've handled it perfectly and it'll certainly teach the other child not to take his toys into school again!

Original poster
Rabbishes · 05/03/2015 16:43

DH is struggling with a couple of things at the minute and the stress comes out as arsey behaviour. He's taken DS for a walk to the shop for milk, this is usually code for 'let's have a chat, son'. Will see if anything else is said about it

OP posts:
keepsmiling2015 · 05/03/2015 16:46

I think that he is being unfair to say that your child should give o e of his toys to be broken. Such a ridiculous solution where nobody learns anything. Definitely your child should apologise but, in regards to the other child - if you take a toy into school you risk it being broken or lost. That's what I say to my kids.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2015 17:16

I don't know you, the other boy, or your ds - but given that first paragraph I would suggest that the other boys version of events is the truth. 'Players stretchers' sounds to me like a flat out lie to get out of trouble.
That said, you offered to replace it, the mum said fine so all good there. Taking one of his toys to break is frankly silly. But I would be asking my son to tell the truth.

diddl · 05/03/2015 17:25

Sounds to me as if you have handled it fine.

Perhaps your son could buy a little something as a "sorry about what happened"?

As the other mother said, it shouldn't have been at school, but the broken toy is probably punishment enough!

"He has also asked DS if he thinks we should take a toy to school tomorrow for the friend to break in return."

I'm assuming that was said just to try to illustrate the consequences of Ops son tussling with the toy, not a genuine suggestion.

BaronessBomburst · 05/03/2015 17:32

If DH replaces the toy, he will undermine the mother who is using it as a lesson learned, and to illustrate the consequence of the son's actions.

GokTwo · 05/03/2015 17:36

I think you are right. You've talked about it with him, reminded him about respecting someone else's property, offered to pay for a replacement. Not sure what else you are meant to do. They are very small. Toys that are brought into school sometimes get broken. The only other thing you could do is ask if the teacher saw it.

I think your DH is being very ott unless there is a history of your DS being destructive which it doesn't sound like there is.

GokTwo · 05/03/2015 17:38

Op isn't insisting her son is not to blame. She's saying she didn't
See it and therefore can't say for certain if he was to blame.