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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the obsession with routines? Am I doing it wrong?

57 replies

ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 14:02

My DS is 5mo and the closest we have to a 'routine' is a bath, bottle and bed around the same time every night. He sleeps through and is quite a happy baby. During the day he feeds and sleeps when he wants (I haven't started weaning yet). Recently he has a come a bit more predictable with timings though I don't dictate them to him.

My friend has a 3mo DC and lives her life round a routine. She decides what time and for how long her DC feeds and naps. She tries to make the baby nap and when nap times over she wakes the baby up. This usually results in deafening screaming which makes me feel really uncomfortable but I don't say anything.

I think it's upto her to raise her child how she likes but she's started making the odd remark about how my DS has no structure in his day because of the lack of the sodding routine - not in a nasty way particularly -but she is very confident in her approach which is the opposite to me and really making me question everything I'm doing.

I'm a first time mum and genuinely feel like I'm winging it most of the time. Am I too laid back and should DS be in a set routine already?! I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing!

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 05/03/2015 14:05

Parenting is about what suits you and your family. Babies are adaptable. Humans are a spectacularly successful species.

Enjoy your baby.

ourglass · 05/03/2015 14:05

You don't need to understand it, it's different strokes.

Witchofthenorth · 05/03/2015 14:06

Routines are great...if that's what suits your life and your little one.

YANBU...first two children of mine? Routined to the absolute death, third child? Meh...mostly..fourth child? Unless it's bed time, routine is out the window!!

Do what you feel is right OP, smile and nod, your doing a grand job!! Smile

kewtogetin · 05/03/2015 14:09

You don't like her judging you yet you judge her approach to parenting? Double standards. Do what you want with your baby, let her do what she wants. You're both in the very early stages of parenthood, to put it simply you know nothing yet, but you'll learn, and when you do you'll realise no two approaches are the same just as no two babies are the same.
Don't seek validation for the way you're raising your child, it's a very slippery slope when you start down that path....

Littlef00t · 05/03/2015 14:10

Some babies don't set their own routine and can be very unhappy. I had to instigate naps with my dd or she wouldn't sleep and would get overtired. I had a loose routine, with a set wake time and expectation of when she would be hungry and tired, but I was willing to swap it about.

RachelWatts · 05/03/2015 14:11

With DS1 I winged it, and he fed and napped when he wanted to, and so did I, which worked out fine.

With DS2 a routine was more important, as I had to worry about getting DS1 to school in time, and picking him up at 15:05. Fortunately, DS2 seems to be happy with his routine, although can be grumpy if woken from his nap and rushed straight out the door on the way to school!

granulatedhappiness · 05/03/2015 14:13

You're doing brilliantly if you've got bottle, bath and bed at around the same time each night at 5 months. I found that my DD found her own routine after a while, if that makes sense.

I think most of us first time mums feel like we're winging it, as you say! Smile

comeagainforbigfudge · 05/03/2015 14:14

I plan to wing it Grin

The only "routine" I'm going to set at the moment (baby still cooking) is a bed time one.

Everything else I intend to learn and adjust to as I go.

So much advice out there that it makes me feel I should be reading up more on xyz but that's not my style.

I'd wouldn't worry bout it. You have a happy baby.

Some people just need routine in their life's as well.

I'm of the "refuse to wake my patient who is sleeping solidly for first time in nights just to wash them" camp so will no doubt employ that practice when baby arrives/dust settles.

But then again I might turn into a routine-driven mama without even realising it!

Flissity83 · 05/03/2015 14:14

We don't have a strict routine. He's fallen into one but is fine if we break it. I just need to make sure he eats regularly and has opportunity to sleep whether it be in his cot, car or buggy. I would never wake him though unless I had to. Rule #1 - never wake a sleeping baby.

Discopanda · 05/03/2015 14:14

We have more of a pattern than a routine, meals are normally roughly around the same time each day as is her bedtime routine. Whatever works for you.

Original poster
ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 14:19

kewtogetin I did say I think it's upto her how she raises her child. I have never commented to her on what she does. My question is because it's completely different to mine, am I skipping an important thing by just 'going with the flow'? She is also constantly giving advice that I never asked for, that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing. So yes, Witch I just smile and nod...:)
I don't want to offend or judge anybody. I'm doubting myself, simply, despite always being told there's no 'right way'.
I just want to do what's best for my baby and don't have a huge support network or guidance.

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 05/03/2015 14:19

I think some babies need routines, and I think some mums needs routines to guide them through the chaos. And that's fine.

I'm a bit more like you - a pattern is the best I could aim for, but I've had two very chilled out babies so far.

Each to their own. If you feel she judges you, make it clear, gently, that this is what works for you.

You aren't doing it wrong. You've found a path that works for you and your baby.

Maddaddam · 05/03/2015 14:22

I never had routines. We just went with the flow. It worked for me and my babies. I might have changed it if they hadn't seemed happy with it.

I read something in an old parenting book my mother had (Dr Spock I think), that if you're the sort of person who likes routine, then do this with your baby. And if you prefer a more free-wheeling approach, that'll probably work for your baby too. I thought that was wise advice.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/03/2015 14:23

If you are happy as you are, carry on.

TBH, a routine forms by itself once they are on solids. Three meals means naps fall naturally before or after and milk in between. Ta-dah. A routine.

You are very close to that point, so I'd just see how it develops.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/03/2015 14:25

"I read something in an old parenting book my mother had (Dr Spock I think), that if you're the sort of person who likes routine, then do this with your baby. And if you prefer a more free-wheeling approach, that'll probably work for your baby too. I thought that was wise advice."

Madaddam (Fab name!) I would add that you also need to consider the personality of your baby. You may love to free wheel, but if your baby is doesn't, you'll be miserable. And vice versa. One of the steepest learning curves for me when I had my first was that they had a personality from day one and that life was a lot easier if you tried to work with it rather than against it. That was a bit of a shock!

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2015 14:32

With ds1 I was very 'baby-led' -and why not, it kept us both happy. With ds2 however, routine was more necessary as he had to fit in with family life. And it may be coincidence but the families with 4+ children are run with military precision, which also seems to make sense.

Yokohamajojo · 05/03/2015 14:33

If you're happy and your baby is happy, why change a winning concept? I do think your friend should keep her mouth shut though! I did like you with two very different babies who made their own different routines, eg. one slept twice a day for long, the next one slept only once and only for a short time. One fed often and little, the other more seldom and for much longer. Both seem to have progressed well Wink

MrsTedCrilly · 05/03/2015 14:33

YANBU, my baby sleeps and eats when he wants and is very content.. Like you he has certain things happen every day but the time can differ. This works for me as I don't like strict routines myself! But either way is fine as long as parent and baby are happy.

GokTwo · 05/03/2015 14:35

Its up to her and it's up to you. Just say something like "well, we're all different. This suits us, that suits you."
I had PND when I had Dd and if I hadn't had some sort of routine I think I would have lost it completely. I didn't think I'd be like that as a parent because in general life I am known as a very laid back, relaxed person but I didn't find that approach helpful with a small baby. My best friend was the other way around!

Noodledoodledoo · 05/03/2015 14:35

I have a structure rather than a routine with my 5 month old, some parts happen at the same times every day but mostly it fits with what we are doing and follows the same kind of pattern but not to a strict timetable. I let it develop till she was about 8 weeks and then 'formalised' it a bit more.

To me and my little one it helps as both of us know what is going to happen roughly when - I am not clock watching as its not XXX will happen at XXX time but it has made her a happy little baby.

It suits us, I put some effort into her getting used to it which has helped.

For others it doesn't work, fit with their ideas.

aquashiv · 05/03/2015 14:42

We had a routine. I had two babies and a toddler! Kept us all happy and me sane. I also was flexible but a routine worked for us.

minipie · 05/03/2015 14:42

Lucky you, you have an easy happy baby who will eat and sleep enough of his own accord.

My DD would never have slept at all given the choice, so yes I "enforced" nap times.

Don't judge another parent until you've had their child. That goes for both you and her!

Original poster
ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 14:43

Thanks all for advice. I just want to say I'm not anti routine, I just don't actively seek one out...which is what she suggests I do. If I had more than one DC I can imagine needing to! 4+ would need military precision I guess! lol

Now I think of it, I suppose I've never been a very routine person. I prefer spontaneity and a laid back life. I know lots of people though who prefer to have more control and regularity, which is fair dos, each to their own. With DS I kind of expected a routine would come once hes a little older, I would like him to have one by the time he starts nursery though interesting to hear that solids might bring about more of a pattern!

OP posts:
CoodleMoodle · 05/03/2015 15:09

Nothing wrong with winging it. Nothing wrong with a routine.

I was led by DD for the first couple of months but it didn't suit either of us. She was a very unhappy baby until I started getting her into a routine, and it saved our sanity. She ate and slept better and was generally so much happier. Still is at nearly one Smile It works for us but doesn't for everyone!

BeyondRepair · 05/03/2015 15:18

I think its such a shock when have first baby, one thinks a routine is neccasry to have some control over lets face it - utter chaos.