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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand the obsession with routines? Am I doing it wrong?

57 replies

ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 14:02

My DS is 5mo and the closest we have to a 'routine' is a bath, bottle and bed around the same time every night. He sleeps through and is quite a happy baby. During the day he feeds and sleeps when he wants (I haven't started weaning yet). Recently he has a come a bit more predictable with timings though I don't dictate them to him.

My friend has a 3mo DC and lives her life round a routine. She decides what time and for how long her DC feeds and naps. She tries to make the baby nap and when nap times over she wakes the baby up. This usually results in deafening screaming which makes me feel really uncomfortable but I don't say anything.

I think it's upto her to raise her child how she likes but she's started making the odd remark about how my DS has no structure in his day because of the lack of the sodding routine - not in a nasty way particularly -but she is very confident in her approach which is the opposite to me and really making me question everything I'm doing.

I'm a first time mum and genuinely feel like I'm winging it most of the time. Am I too laid back and should DS be in a set routine already?! I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing!

OP posts:

Marecrow · 05/03/2015 15:36

I am not big on routine. My partner works from home so is fairly flexible, and I have enjoyed maternity leave as a welcome break from my work routine... one I am considering continuing until she is in nursery... My (very happy) 4-month-old baby sleeps and eats when she wants... and I have found she has fallen into her own pattern naturally... Sleeping and napping at roughly the same times, waking twice at the same times of night. This is without battles or my input really. I am aware that we are very lucky, and that if she were a screamer or colicky or whatever we would be trying every trick in the book. I reckon whatever works for you is fine, and flexibility suits us at the moment. I am prepared for that to change any time though!

AntiHop · 05/03/2015 15:36

I'm with you op. My dd is 6 months and like you the only routine is the bedtime routine. Not having a daytime routine allows us to see friends and go to baby activities easily. Dd goes to sleep easily in the sling or pushchair so that help. I know some people swear by a routine though.

weegiemum · 05/03/2015 15:44

You need to ignore "friends" comments.

Following a rather infamous routine ended in me sobbing on the bedroom floor and dh organising some hefty intervention.

Routine doesn't always work.

Our dc are now 11, 13 and 15. On school days they're woken at 7, Saturdays it's woken for lunch if not up! (Sunday for church!)

The things that are a big deal aren't for very long. I'm glad I didn't make a big deal about it all.

TwoOddSocks · 05/03/2015 15:50

I actually thought a lot of the advantages of breastfeeding actually turned out to be because people do it "on demand" which is much better for the brain development of the baby. That said if your life is such that a routine is important I'm sure the baby will survive fine.

Davsmum · 05/03/2015 16:01

I was bloody obsessed with routines after my daughter was born and it drove everyone mad - including me. I was too rigid. Mind you- I had PND pretty bad and it helped me feel 'in control' Trouble is it lasted years even after my son was born. I suppose it depends on your personality type how bad it can get.
I would do what you are doing - Having a basic routine for bedtime - and possibly meal times at regular times but apart from that be flexible.

NickyEds · 05/03/2015 16:09

My ds is in his cot napping now because it's 4 o clock and he's nearly always asleep now. He's a very routiney baby and has been since around six months (he 14 months now). I've never really been bothered either way, I'm a SAHM and he's my first so no school runs or nursery times to stick to but he just seemed to find his own routine. I wouldn't have tried to enforce one (however the hell you're supposed to). I have had a few snippy comments of the "your ds is very routine based but I'm baby led and laid back and prefer to go with the flow" variety and they're just a bit annoying. I'm baby led. My baby led me to a routine!! I also find it funny when someone says "we have no routine at all really.....except for bath and bed......and mornings when we feed at the same time.....and lunch, we have lunch at around the same time...and snacks, we do snack at more or less the same time" I just think, that's a routine! Let your friend get one with it. If she's banging a drum very loudly it's probably not confidence that's causing it, more insecurity.

RabbitSaysWoof · 05/03/2015 16:35

I wasn't very routine lead when mine was a baby and if I had another that is the thing I would do very differently.
Nights were fantastic, but I thought that because night routine and sleeping through was established very early that was enough. In hindsight I wish I had stayed at home more and put ds in he's own cot in the day, he was always napping in someone elses house or in he's buggy in the day, or falling asleep in the car and I wish he'd had a bit more of an at home experience, he was sometimes quite moody.
I thought it was important to socialise him but actually looking back I think some predictability would have been better.

Karma1981 · 05/03/2015 16:45

I have 5 dc, youngest is 20 weeks and oldest 14.
My middle son is autistic so we do have to have some form of routine for him.
My youngest though is on his own schedule, he has a feed when he wants one, sleeps when he want (during the day)

The only thing is like you the bedtime routine.
Live and let live, your happy the way you do things and that's what is important.

Original poster

ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 16:46

In defence of said friend, I really think she means well it just occasionally comes across as criticism. She's completely fixated on routines, her's is to the minute, it's routine this routine that and she seems to believe both our DCs should follow a one size fits all routine (she's read a book) Which I don't think I agree with as they're very different babies. But I was curious as to whether starting a routine now would benefit DS better than the way I am doing it, and why.
I had literally no experience of babies until I had DS, I feel like I'm muddling along in the dark and got lucky with a baby who doesn't seem to mind how disorganised I am and happy to go along with it :) maybe if there was a next item I might end up with a baby the complete opposite, who knows!

OP posts:

Davsmum · 05/03/2015 17:30

Well a routine does seem to offer security to a young child OP but too rigid and it can make them a bit afraid of disruption and too chaotic and they can feel stressed. A basic routine is all you need, with flexibility. My routine was ridiculous and to the minute, like your friend. It created stress as much as chaos does.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/03/2015 17:37

My DD never wanted to sleep, so if id let her nap when she wanted she would have been awake literally all day and been an overtired, screaming mess. I found I had to instigate a routine and encourage nap times, even though I had never really intended to.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/03/2015 17:40

OP - if there is a next baby they are likely to have some structure from day one as they will be fitting around a toddler or older child.

LokiBear · 05/03/2015 17:42

You sound like you have a contented baby and your approach sounds lovely. Routines become important as they get older - I always found meal times and bedtime were the ones that were really important if I wanted a happy dd. Neither you or your friend is wrong, but, dome baby's can be much more challenging and a routine can help to give the parent a little security. My dd had colic. She cried a lot. I found that a routine really helped me to stay sane. I was very much led by her, but, knowing that she would sleep for 20 minutes in the bouncy chair at about 7.30am gave me time for a shower. Often I would try and recreate what ever I'd done the previous day that had lead to a contented baby. Then I dare not change it in case the soul destroying crying started. It always did, that is the nature of colic, but there were little things that we did everyday that seemed to help. Whether they were helping me or her, I don't know!

TarkaTheOtter · 05/03/2015 18:02

I've had a different experience to the posters above because i worried a lot less about routine (and self-settling etc) with dc2, partly because we had toddler activities at different times each day and partly because it hadn't helped dc1 become a good sleeper/contented baby. Naps were in the buggy (still are in fact) and I just fed when he seemed hungry. I've found it much easier to just go with the flow. I agree with pp that once they are on solids they naturally fall into a daily routine anyway.

toffeeboffin · 05/03/2015 18:09

'He sleeps through' are the only words I read!

If he sleeps through you are doing everything right!!

Postchildrenpregranny · 05/03/2015 18:12

I am a very routine type person. DD1 was not . It almost drove me mad , until I learnt to go with the flow.
As others have said subsequent children do tend to be more in a routine as you have an older child to take /fetch from school , nursery etc

Momagain1 · 05/03/2015 18:14

There was a very similiar question regarding OPs friend the Attachment Parent making her feel bad and question her style, which sounds more like yours.

Parents that feel the need to adopt formal systems often feel the need to constantly justify this by criticising those who calmly organize their parenting by what seems to work. They are big on trying to recruit you too.

Ignore her. If your baby is eating and sleeping enough without much fuss, and at times that suit your household, then you are parenting your baby right.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 05/03/2015 18:18

I tried to do routines, but I found it very hard to cope (suspected Asperger's) when it went awry. It seemed like whenever I worked out she would be wanting to nap at 1pm after lunch (so I planned to go out at 2pm) she'd fall asleep before lunch and want a second nap at 3pm. Yet if I tried to get her to nap before lunch she'd scream and cry and not nap at all (till she fell asleep face first in her dinner).

Original poster

ThatCuckingFat · 05/03/2015 18:37

Well thanks those with reassurance, I think I am going to carry on as i am and encourage a routine to come in once DS starts on solids, I'm hoping it will just happen naturally. I never planned any particular parenting style to be honest, just trying to survive and get through each day with minimal crying, and it's a good day if I also manage to brush my teeth or get a shower! :)

OP posts:

NickyEds · 05/03/2015 20:15

You'll probably find just that op- a routine, however casual, will just work itself out. Among my friends who all have babies of around 14 months all have a routine. Most have returned to work so nursery/cm drop offs are at the same time, babies get grumpy without lunch, most nurserys have routines, bedtime routines are just much more convenient etc. At 5 months it doesn't really matter though, even my routiney baby just fed on demand and slept on me then.

slippermaiden · 05/03/2015 20:25

I would tell your friend politely to stick her routine! I demand fed my babies but always did the bath, bottle/story and bed in the evening. Mums always feel so competitive, I'm glad that doesn't happen so much now they are school age.

Gennz · 05/03/2015 22:05

Exactly toffee!! The only reason I've ever wanted a routine is to get a full night's sleep. OP your friend sounds annoying.

I read every book under the sun before DS was born and thought I'd be very routine-y. I still have grand ambitions for it but DS is now 16 weeks and we certainly don't have a set routine but we are starting to fall into some more predictable patterns.

I always try to get him up about 7, feed & play and down again by about 8.15;
I try to make sure he has about 4 hours daytime sleep, and judge when he needs naps by his awake time rather than set times;
I feed him 3.5 - 4 hourly - this has just chnaged from 3 ish hourly.
I try usually unsuccessfully to get him to catnap between 5 - 6pm so he has enough energy for the bedtime routine.
Bedtime routine is nappy off time on playmat, bath, massage, bottle with DH, into sleeping bag, bed by 7 - 7.30.
Dreamfeed at 10.30pm and one middle of the night BF at about 3.30 - 4

One day I would like to hit the Holy Grail of 7pm - 7am sleep and a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day ...

RedToothBrush · 05/03/2015 22:33

We have a baby led routine during the week.
At the weekend chaos reigns.

This is in no way related to his father's presence.

Honest.

SASASI · 05/03/2015 23:02

YANBU

Ds is 6 months. goes to bed around 9/10pm & sleeps until 8/9am. I would love to bring his bedtime forward but he just doesn't sleep until then.
Sometimes he sleeps 3 hrs in total during day, other times it'll be 2 x 20min catnaps. I just go about my day normally. Def couldn't if we have a second though!

Sometimes I think I'm too relaxed about everything but he is a very contented happy baby so that's all I can hope for really!

trashcanjunkie · 05/03/2015 23:22

Sorry, complete thread derail madaddam I have just recently read the oryx and crake trilogy It was about the most perfect thing ever imo.

Op, you are doing just brilliantly by the sounds of things. I'd probably try and find some other friends with a similar approach to yours, as the routine friend sounds bloody overbearing, with her unsolicited 'advice' shitwaffle

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