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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be unsure about pre-school birthday party?

28 replies

suddenlycupishalffull · 04/03/2015 22:15

DS1 turns 4 in a few months and has been at pre-school since Sept. We moved into the area last summer and aside from chatting to little friends in the park, we still feel fairly new (so no playdates or anything) & no particularly strong friendships have formed yet (I'm not sure they do anyway at 3.5?!) But we've been invited to 5 birthday parties since Sept to which the whole class were invited. These have been very big affairs (older siblings coming along as well both parents normally so a lot of people in one room), normally in play centres, village halls etc which must have cost a small fortune with parents putting on party food, entertainment for the kids, party bags etc. Last year, we went for lunch to a pub with a park next to it with cousins (whom he adores but doesn't get to see very often so time with them is a real treat), godparents & grandparents and he loved it. But this year I'm feeling the pressure to do a whole class party, I've not asked him what he wants yet as I'm fairly sure he'll say he wants a class party simply because we've been to so many lately. Money is always tight for us so the cost of hosting so many children, their older siblings & parents is a bit intimidating, and to me feels unnecessary. Don't kids normally start forming proper bonds sort of 5 up rather than 3.5-4? But whole class parties do seem to be the culture of this school, so should I just suck it up and book the local village hall?!

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 04/03/2015 22:29

Quite a few of my DCs friends did whole class parties, but we didn't want to spend £200+ on a party, so just had a few friends round to our house. TBH, your party sounds lovely - just don't ask him what he wants and organise what suits you as a family. Is he likely to ask? If so, I'm sure you can say 'no' in such a way that it doesn't ruin his life!

flora717 · 04/03/2015 22:31

No. Suggest a few treats for a couple of friends and him.
He gets to 'choose' you get to budget.

Eva50 · 04/03/2015 22:33

Ds3 (8) had a whole class party for his 6th birthday. It's the only party he's had. We normally have his cousins round or go out for the day.

DisappointedOne · 04/03/2015 22:35

We did a party for DD's second birthday, but only because we also had a naming ceremony. Adults outnumbered kids by about 8-1.

She's now 4. Our NCT group take the kids out for their birthdays to a farm park or similar. I hope to avoid the all class parties for as long as I can!

mewkins · 04/03/2015 22:39

You can get away without a big party for another year. Or if you have a birthday in warm months what about a picnic at the park party? Just get some food, blankets and a cake. They will entertain themselves by running around. Take a few balls, outdoor type games with you.

DisappointedOne · 04/03/2015 22:44

DD's school friend had a party this weekend. She was 4. Her mum couldn't t belief how much entertainment etc cost, so she pared it right back and kept it simple. 3 hours hall hire for £50. Party boxes of food and a cup drink each for the kids (they could swap to water if they wanted). They bought a load of facepaints and I sat for 2 hours painting the kids (not what I do for a living but actually quite fun). Tunes on a phone and speakers. Dad hired a costume. They didn't cater to parents and bought a supermarket cake for blowing out the candles.

Do you know what, it was lovely and the kids had a ball.

glenthebattleostrich · 04/03/2015 22:46

What about a picnic in the park? The kids get to run around and you just chuck a few sandwiches and e numbers at them!

sqibble · 04/03/2015 22:54

No. Invite two of his nursery mates round and have a cake.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 04/03/2015 22:56

Park birthdays are easy peasy if you really feel the pressure, it's just a big play date at the playground really

But don't feel pressured, DS is off and always seems to have a party, DD has second child syndrome and has at most had a few wee friends over. This year they turn 7&4 and no parties planned. Can't wait

BackforGood · 04/03/2015 23:03

Don't feel pressured. Do what suits you - in terms of cost, energy, organisation, what would suit your ds, what would suit your family.
I've managed to get 3 dc through to their teenage years without ever hosting a class party, but they've had some lovely parties and birthday celebrations, and are not short of friends.

crazykat · 04/03/2015 23:24

I've never done a whole.class party and I never will, luckily these aren't the norm at my dcs school.

My dcs had their first party for their fourth birthday when they were at nursery, they invited two or three friends to soft play, along with my other dcs and nieces.

You don't have to do a party, much less a whole class party, if you don't want to. I don't agree with the opinion that you have to invite children to your dcs party just because your children went to theirs, just invite who they want to be there.

Some friendships do start in nursery, dd1 has three friends and they met at 3.5 when they started nursery and are still best friends nearly four years later.

Sixgeese · 04/03/2015 23:31

Don't feel you have to, I only did a preschool party for DC1 (I learnt my lesson so DC2 and DC3 didn't have one)

DC1 went to a preschool in his nursery, so I asked the staff who his friends were, was given a list of names.

As I didn't know the parents, it was hard to chase for RSVP's, I had to rely heavily on the staff as all the parents collected at different times.

Then just over a week before the party, DC1 caught chicken pox, and I had to try and get messages to all these parent saying that the party was still on, but if he was still contagious I would let them know and cancel.

Not many still turned up, and as it happened some of the guests were contagious as they got spotty in the next few days, just not DC1, most of the nursery went down with CP that month.

After that I waited and DC2 and DC3 had their first party when I had the ability to speak to and chase the parents myself.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/03/2015 23:34

I love doing class parties but don't feel pressured. If he has a friend with close birthday you could do a joint one - instant way to halve costs and work needed!

countessmarkyabitch · 04/03/2015 23:35

If you feel you have to do something because you think everyone else is doing it, go ahead. Aren't we always telling the children not to do that exact thing though? I distinctly remember my mother shouting "if X jumped off a bridge would you do that too?" more than once.

catkind · 04/03/2015 23:58

We did our first class party for DS in Reception. Definitely not something I'm prepared to do every year, and that seemed a good year as he didn't have close friends yet but was friendly with lots of kids.

For nursery ones we did small parties at home with family friends, and any kids from nursery DS wanted to invite particularly.

DD definitely has close friendships at 3.0; there are certain kids she wants to play with all the time, and largely ignores the rest. If she continues like that at nursery we'd probably just do something with her special friends anyway.

AliMonkey · 05/03/2015 00:00

We did a party for 4-5 of their pre-school friends at age 4. When they started school almost everyone had whole class parties but my two continued to have small parties at home. Are now age 7 and 10 and only whole class party was DD age 8 - and I hope never again although will let DS have one once if he wants but luckily I don't think he ever will. Personally I think smaller parties are more personal for child - and are definitely cheaper and less stressful for parents. Quite a few children asked their parents for similar parties having been to ours - which for first few years were simple at home parties with games, treasure hunt and part tea.

Storm15 · 05/03/2015 06:25

Ask the teacher if any other kids birthdays fall near your sons and maybe approach another parent and see if they'd like to a joint party?

I just did that for my DD (also turning 4). We had everything sorted by a local sports hall - they did the food, entertainment, provided invites, laid on tea and coffee for the parents. All I did was party bags (and I just gave the kids a bag of cookie mix and a wooden spoon with a tag saying "thank you for coming to our party" written on it). The Mum I shared the party with made the cake. It was minimal stress and cost us about £140 each for 25 kids. It was the first time I'd outsourced a party. I'm not sure I'm ever going to do one myself again now!!!

Original poster

suddenlycupishalffull · 05/03/2015 07:00

A joint party is a good idea, I'd not thought of that. Fitting in is a big deal for us at the moment countess because we still feel new here & I want him to settle in & make friends, but I'd hope this relies on their interactions at school rather than one-off parties. I know what I'd prefer (pub & park with family) but I'm an introvert who cringed at being centre of attention at my own childhood parties so I probably feel a bit of pressure not to project my feelings onto DS who always comes back from school jabbering about little friends asking for them to stay for tea (but like Sixgeese I don't know the parents yet, haven't exchanged numbers etc). It definitely seems the culture in school to do whole class parties, I know of just two parents who haven't done so and while I don't care what the other parents think (they'd never know of we just did family only) I don't want DS to be disappointed if that is what he wants. But I have to think of budget etc which at the moment would be a genuine pressure that month.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 05/03/2015 07:24

Just to say a whole pre-school party doesn't have to be expensive if you can DIY it with family help. Call round halls, round here they are between £20-£50 for the afternoon. Find a cheap one and it's not that bad.

You can arrange party games yourself so don't need entertainers, sarnies, cocktail sausages and a load of biscuits aren't that expensive. (They never eat much at that age).

Do something like a superheroes theme so they all dress up and feels more "event" like.

cartoonsaveme · 05/03/2015 08:42

Just do what suits you. Lots do class parties at our school but lots don't as its too much money. No one cares really. They are fun but not necessary as a given. If you do do it, cut back on presents from you as they end up with one from each child. Save money on presents that way. Also ask relatives / Gp to give cash towards party as a present?

bangheadonwall · 05/03/2015 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeymamma · 05/03/2015 09:15

A lot of people have these parties and the idea is the kids get to know each other a bit before school starts - seems like a nice idea. However you don't need 30+ of these parties and I'm sure no one would expect it of you. At 3 your ds will enjoy whatever you put on for him.
That said, I confidently played it low key this year for ds's3rd birthday (afternoon tea at cafe with family, small party with three other children and their parents at our house) and he had a great time. Then my mum was chatting about my 3rd birthday saying I probably wouldn't remember it, and I SO do - it was in a village hall with dozens of kids and I had an anaaazingn time. So now feeling slightly guilty that we didnt go large for ds this time :-(

HowlyBabblyBansheeeeeee · 05/03/2015 09:53

Mind you dd was on bursary at that point at an indie school and they were having private hire of Blackpool tower and limos there and back at four

I'm in at this!

Original poster

suddenlycupishalffull · 05/03/2015 10:47

I've never been in a limo & I'm 33! I hadn't thought of it as a way of them all mixing before starting reception in September, that's a good point esp as we're still new in the area. Hmmmmm. I don't have any family locally (mine or DH) so it would be me largely doing it on my own as family would be travelling to get here.

OP posts:

MrsTawdry · 05/03/2015 10:49

Oh don't bother OP. You will have enough expense with these parties once he gets to reception/year 1 and even then a chunk of his class won;t have the big parties. Do something like that when he's older...6 or 7. little parties are great...as you say...meal in pub with cousins is great.

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