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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at dp trying to rearrange 'our' night to fit in with his mates plans?

30 replies

SourGyrl · 04/03/2015 17:45

Dp and I have had it arranged for weeks now that we would go for s night out on the 20th March. This is basically to celebrate the end of a long difficult work placement I've had (of which the last shift is on that day) plus it's payday and as I've said, it's been planned ages.
Tonight he comes in saying his mates want to go on a night out on the 20th and he wondered if we could rearrange our night. I'm pissed off because as usual he's more concerned with upsetting others than he is about upsetting me and also he knew full well I was looking forward to going out that specific night as my last shift is that day and it was the perfect end to it all. He's now making out that I'm being unreasonable but we've had it planned ages. If it was the other way around i would simply say to friends "sorry, dp and I have arrangements that night" and it pisses me off that I don't get the same respect.
He's done it to me before, we'd arranged to go to cinema one night. I was really looking forward to it but then his mates decided they wanted him at cinema with them the same night so guess who had to change plans. Been together 3 years and live together brw, this isn't a new relationship

OP posts:
asmallandnoisymonkey · 04/03/2015 17:50

It sounds like you're not his priority to me, sorry to say

Andro · 04/03/2015 17:51

He is being spectacularly rude, not to mention giving a clear message as to where you don't rate in his life.

YANBU and your partner is being VU

MelonBallersAreStrange · 04/03/2015 17:54

Sounds like he should be living with the ones he loves the most. His mates.

Humansatnav · 04/03/2015 17:56

Id go apeshit tbh.This smacks of massive disrespect for your feelings.

Charlotte3333 · 04/03/2015 17:58

I agree with pp that you're not his priority. No idea how you make yourself someone's priority, though. He sounds a bit of a plum, and maybe needs a good long talk about letting you down.

familymember · 04/03/2015 17:59

It sounds like he's insecure of his friends, not wanting to turn them down, rather than being disrespectful to you.

Original poster
SourGyrl · 04/03/2015 18:03

He's also making out that he didn't realise we had plans Hmm despite the fact that we've been talking about it for weeks and were only discussing it yesterday!! And then he tried to make out that if it was the other way around he wouldn't expect me to 'miss out' on a night out with friends (because coming out with me is such a chore I presume)

OP posts:
ChipDip · 04/03/2015 18:05

He's showing you that you are an option to him, not the behaviour of someone you care about. Besides this he should be looking forward to it so much because nights out aren't that often, not ditching you for a better offer.

TendonQueen · 04/03/2015 18:07

Time to lay it on the line here. Tell him you've noticed this has happened before and you are not up for being second choice to his mates whenever they click their fingers.

Whose place do you live in, by the way? His / yours / joint names, and rented or mortgaged?

expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 18:09

How immature, disrespectful and rude of him. You're not a priority to him. You are second fiddle to his mates. I'd go fucking spare.

bigbluestars · 04/03/2015 18:11

And you put up this for what reason?

Ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2015 18:16

If he wants to go out with his mates then why can't he arrange another night with them? There is plenty of time until 20 March - surely they can find a convenient night?

Charlesroi · 04/03/2015 18:38

Do you have mates that may be free - say - on the 20th, or every fucking weekend before? You could have a nice night out with people who want to spend time with you. No need for a row with the OH or his mates ever again.
It's a bloke thing. They believe that we believe that they are a bit scatter-brained and Simply Don't Remember previously made subsequently inconvenient arrangements (my very unscientific analysis of friends etc. suggests this would be about 60-70% of them). They are, of course, wrong.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/03/2015 18:38

Just make other plans for the 20th and don't bother celebrating with him.

If he's going to ditch you every time he gets a better offer, you might want to start considering what better offers are out there for you.

crazykat · 04/03/2015 18:47

I'd go ballistic if dh did this. For a one off event with mates like a big birthday, stag do then I'd still not be happy but could understand dh wanting to rearrange our night out, possibly. To want to cancel on you, again, for his mates isn't on and I'd be having a serious think about our relationship. It shows a basic lack of respect for both you and your relationship.

I'm not one for making ultimatums but I'd be asking him who's more important you or his mates.

In a way it's a no-win situation for you as if he goes out with mates you don't get your planned night out, if he goes out with you he'll likely be in a mood the whole night and may ruin the celebration.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2015 18:48

I do think you need a quiet, serious talk. He is thinking superficially, he is not thinking about the implied message - that he would rather spend time with his friends than with you. You need to find a way to show him how shockingly hurtful this is.

Once he can see that, I think he will feel differently and be keen to make it clear to you that he does value you more highly than his friends.

If he doesn't I would wonder how long this relationship can limp on.

Don't change your plans, just tell him, no, you are not prepared to rearrange and maybe you could use the time together to reconnect and think about how important you are to each other.

He is taking your actual physical presence for granted and that needs to change.

2fedup · 04/03/2015 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbluestars · 04/03/2015 18:53

I wouldn't go ballistic- but I would see how all this is stacking up.

Do you really want to be the second choice when it comes to nights out?

If this is part of a pattern I would be having some serious doubts about the relationship.

It is not worth insisting- either he values your company above that of his mates or he doesnt. It's not something you can force him to change his feelings on.

I want to be with a man who would drop everything to have a night out with me.

magoria · 04/03/2015 18:56

Listen to what he is telling you.

You are not as important as his mates.

He doesn't care if he upsets you and lets you down. In fact he will go out of his way to make it your fault.

He has done it before. He wants to do it now. He will do it again.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2015 19:55

How long have you been together?

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 04/03/2015 20:02

They've been together 3 years.

OP I have to agree with pp's. You come second to his mates. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't prioritise his relationship with you?

ilovesooty · 04/03/2015 20:06

It's not "a bloke thing"
It's just rude. Prior arrangements come first.

gamerchick · 04/03/2015 20:16

Well it's spoilt going out that night now hasn't it? even if you go out together you'll know he would rather be with his mates and even rush through the night with you and go out after which will make you feel like rubbish.

I would find what hes doing rather hurtful and resentment would set in.

Morelikeguidelines · 04/03/2015 20:33

Agree with fairenuff - try the quiet chat first of all.

DamnProt · 04/03/2015 20:38

I didn't see it as you being less important, but it's generally easier to rearrange with one person, than several at the same time.

That said, this particular night has relevance to you, so I would expect him to tell his friends he is already busy.
If it was just a general night out for you, and there was a clash, I wouldn't make a fuss. But I am very laid back about such things, and secure in how my OH feels about me. I wouldn't take it as a reflection on his feelings for me. But if he was generally flaky, I would.

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