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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/03/2015 16:32

Daisy17 - I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments!

Our responsibility as parents lies in ensuring our DC have a great childhood that sets them up for independent adulthood.

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:33

sorry annie

RufusTheReindeer · 04/03/2015 16:33

I agree with nancy

I felt joys comment was a bit.....oh I'll go with "sweeping" as well

Not seeing the world Hmm

Anyhoo I do agree with joy that I wouldn't encourage my dd to be a SAHM, I will support her in anything she wants to do but will encourage her to make sure she has "choices" and covers herself financially

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:36

it seems op and myself come from a different age . but never mind

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 16:38

Yes to daisy

april I think your lonelyness as a child is clouding your judgement of working mothers,

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 04/03/2015 16:39

Once all DC are at school full time I honestly don't know what a SAHP finds to do all day. Housework and laundry can be done within an hour on a daily basis, cooking another hour. What else do you do? I would have been so bored if I hadn't worked as there's only so much daytime TV that can be tolerated!

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:40

yes JOY .you are probably correct .even now i get sad thinking about it .

Bonsoir · 04/03/2015 16:41

To be fair to April I know several SAHMs whose mothers were never home because of their careers and who wanted a totally different childhood for their own DC.

Some of the things that I particularly hated about my own childhood have greatly coloured my parenting.

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:42

thankyou bonsoir.

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 16:42

No Aprilanne, I am a SAHM and feel proud of myself for doing it, as it is genuinely very hard to be at home caring for small children. I have made personal and professional sacrifices in order to do so as well. I have also reaped enormous benefits as my days are very relaxed.

But I would also feel bloody proud if I had managed to go back to work as that would have meant a supreme effort and work ethic too.

SAHM is not for everyone, it is not "better", it may be in your opinion but you don't get to make the rules for every family!

I actually think HE is completely bizarre, but hey, if it works for you then that's GREAT. You must not belittle other people's choices - or sadly non choices as previously pointed out the luxury in all this is surely choice - as there is no right way. Just what you think is best.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/03/2015 16:44

Yes, april, an age where it was the default that women were expected to stay at home with their children. For some women, like you and the OP, this was great because it was what you wanted anyway.

However, for a very great many women who felt like I do, it was hell on earth and they lived their lives doped up on valium and gin to cope.

Is it not better that we live in the here and now where women like you can SAH and women like me can work?

I agree with anothernumberone that it will be even better when it is equally common and likely for men to SAH, even if just in the short term, so that there is no expectation that working women will just disappear from the workforce. No choices are make in a vacuum, and the sad reality is that women's career prospects are still damaged today by the expectation that they a) will take maternity leave at some point and b) possibly won't return after this maternity leave or c) after a couple has a baby, it will be the women's career that is sacrificed because somehow, in the vast majority if couples, the man's job is just magically "more important".

This is not the fault of SAHMs, of course, it's the result of societal expectations. But those expectations do need to change.

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:54

i can never imagine .men taking long maternity leave like women .well not my hubby anyway he always admits .he loved when his week .was up and he got back to work

It just seems s strange but yes you could be right society needs to change .and i will need to keep my mouth shut when my son,s have a family .if there wife is a career girl .

BeyondRepair · 04/03/2015 16:55

we shouldnt be expected to stay at home but it shouldnt be automatic default we go back to work either.

Both things should ideally be thought out, researched before you have children, and even then, you never know how you will cope until in the thick of it.

JanineStHubbins · 04/03/2015 16:56

There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy aprilanne

Joyfulldeathsquad · 04/03/2015 16:58

I can just see the mil thread now .......

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:58

janine i take that is your way of saying my attitude went out with the ark .

Fauxlivia · 04/03/2015 16:58

It pisses me off when people assume sahp of school age kids must be bored all day. Why the assumption that sahp are incapable of finding interesting things to do or that people in general need their day to be planned out for them by an employers, in order to be mentally stimulated? And that's before you get to the fact that not everyone in employment has a sparkling career - many people just have boring jobs.

ketchup to answer your question as to what sahp of school age kids do all day, the truth is whatever I want ( within reason. Trips to New York are out because if that pesky school run).

aprilanne · 04/03/2015 16:59

yes joyfull .....

OinkGlitter · 04/03/2015 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OfaFrenchMind · 04/03/2015 17:01

aprilanne Do you have daughters?
And yes, please bite your tongue (maybe swallow it) when you think about a career DIL, or in 20 years, we will have yet another MIL thread.

Canshopwillshop · 04/03/2015 17:01

Lots of nasty comments against SAHM's on here like 'go and bake a cake or go and cook a meal', 'put some washing on' or 'pair your husband's socks'! Do those people think SAHM's shouldn't be allowed a bit of MN time? At least we are doing it in our own (unpaid) time - those of you who are supposed to be working and getting paid for it ought not to be on here - go get some fucking work done!

anothernumberone · 04/03/2015 17:02

Aprilanne I know plenty of men who would happily have spent months off with their children. If they don't want to that is fine though, as long as they have to listen to the same judgy pants on Dadsnet complaining about the nanny/nursery bringing up their children.

PisforPeter · 04/03/2015 17:03

I don't think it makes much difference. A lots of SAHM's I know put their kids in nursery just as much as WOHM's.

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 17:03

Fauxlivia you CAN'T EVER go to New York because stay at home mother's can't travel the world remember!

madwomanbackintheattic · 04/03/2015 17:07

April, the very notion of describing a female as a 'career girl' shows exactly what people ar fighting against. No one would describe a male as a 'career boy'.

But really, if it were as socially acceptable for men to stay home and parent, and for women to work, we wouldn't have these never -ending threads. Parents could work or stay at home as their financial circumstances and choices dictate. Not feel obliged to fulfil one gender based role or another, or feel that they have to contribute to social change towards a more equal society by actively fighting against the gender roles.

I've done both. I breast fed. I currently work. I have a disabled child. Some of my actions have been choices, others I have not been able to make a choice for various reasons (a little like your husband not being able to make a choice to work when he fell ill). Presumably at that point you made the best decisions for your family - some people are trying to do that in a wider sense, and realise the impact their decisions have on wider society.