Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH for this?

38 replies

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 09:21

Background: DS was sick twice on Sunday. He'd just eaten and was overexcited, and the second time was in the car. We put it down to being overexcited and car sick. No other signs of him being ill, so he went to school on Monday. He has ASD and is only four. He is very rarely ill and it's even rarer for him to be vomit-ill, but if he's sick in the night, he's very quiet and won't tell us.

This morning, I got up and went to wake DS up to get ready for school, only to find he'd been sick in the bucket we'd left by his bed on Sunday (not like proper vomit, like phlegm). I hadn't heard a thing all night. DH obviously had, because there was a towel spread across the bed.

I'm angry because DH left for work, knowing that DS had been ill, or at the very least, that he'd been feeling ill in the night, and didn't wake me up to tell me. At the very least, I expected a note, or a text message, or something.

Would you be angry over this? I am angry, but would like to hear what other people think before I go full active volcanic eruption at DH.

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 04/03/2015 09:25

i think he was being nice not waking you up, what could you have done? you found out when you went in, what would a text or note actually acheived?

TwinkieTwinkle · 04/03/2015 09:34

YABU

Original poster
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 09:36

I think he was nice not to wake me in the night, I'm not disputing that.

A note would have helped me to judge whether DS was actually ill, or whether he'd coughed a bit too much and made himself sick and it would have been nice to get DH's opinion on whether DS was fit to go to school because you can bet he'll have an opinion on what I've done this morning - I still have DS here as I wanted to watch him to see if he really is ill.

I think he's fine, so he'll be going to school, but he's still missed an hour and thrown his routine off and that's really disruptive thanks to the ASD.

OP posts:
BumWad · 04/03/2015 09:38

You are massively over thinking this.

sebsmummy1 · 04/03/2015 09:38

I have no idea if you are being unreasonable or not. Why not have a chat with your husband and ask him in future to wake you or let you know his another method that your son was unwell. Then he will get it right for next time.

Original poster
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 09:41

And, so I'm not being accused of dripfeeding - it can be really difficult to tell if DS is ill because of his ASD. He has a bit of a thing for saying he's not well, so you can't actually trust what he says as 'I'm not well' comes out of his mouth about twenty times a day. It does take a bit of observation to see what's going on. Not as straightforward as illness is with a NT child.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 09:44

I probably am overthinking it, but it's difficult for me to judge things like this as I know the ASD complicates things a bit. I also suspect I'm on the spectrum and one of the things I find difficult myself is when someone does something differently to how I would have done it, but their way isn't necessarily 'wrong'. I'd have left some details about what happened. I will talk to him later.

OP posts:
MissDuke · 04/03/2015 09:49

Glad you have calmed down, and hope ds is ok Smile My dd has ASD, I cannot imagine being annoyed at my dh for this. It isn't his fault that you didn't wake, and it is lovely he dealt with it. I doubt he knew anymore about whether DS was ill than you did. Try and not worry.

drivingmisspotty · 04/03/2015 09:53

'You can bet he'll have an opinion on what I've done this morning.' What do you mean by this? How do you anticipate he will react? Are you frightened of how he will react?

I think I would expect communication about what he had noticed in the night, especially considering how you have to watch to see if your DS is I'll. But maybe you are a little over-angry about it. Could you have rung him to check in when you noticed the bucket and towel?

But I don't think your DH has any right to have a go at you about the decision you make this morning, especially when he didn't give you a useful heads-up. He should trust your judgement as an equal parent when you have DS alone, unless you are doing really crazy stuff that puts him in danger, which it doesn't sound like you are!

MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 09:53

Can you not phone your husband to ask for more details?

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/03/2015 09:59

he'd been sick three times. whether or not you were woken up or left a note surely the third time was an indication that perhaps you shouldn't risk sending him to school.

It's irrelevant what your dh did because if he's coughing enough to be sick then again he's to ill for school

TwinkieTwinkle · 04/03/2015 10:04

Why are you sending him to school?! I am the first to complain about the 48 hours D&V rule but if he has been ill overnight he shouldn't be going in!

coppertop · 04/03/2015 10:05

I think he should have left a note because he would have known it was unlikely that your ds would have told you what had happened.

I don't think I'd be angry over it but I'd use it as an opportunity to talk about what should be done next time, eg agree that you will leave a note/text etc.

Original poster
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 10:05

God no, not frightened of how he'll react at all. I think he will think it was unnecessary for me to keep hold of DS for a bit to see how he is. I'm anticipating a bit of 'You should have just sent him in for 9am'. I also think that if he says that, it's tough, because it was my call based on the information I had, and if he had left a quick scribbled note along the lines of 'DS felt sick in night, I think he's ok though' I could have factored that in.

No way of ringing him unfortunately, unless it's a proper emergency (hospital/death/you-need-to-leave-now type of emergency) as I have no direct number for him and would have to call his manager. It's not the done thing unless it's really needed. All personal phones are locked away. We can exchange quick Facebook messages/emails, but no guarantee he'll get them as he can only access the internet on his break and he doesn't always get the chance.

DS is definitely ok, but it did take a bit of time to see that, as he was off his breakfast which is NOT normal for the small hobbit we appear to have bred. Grin We're off to school now. Consensus seems to be I was overthinking it, so thanks all.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 04/03/2015 10:08

So he was sick and off his breakfast and you still sent him in?Confused

CocktailQueen · 04/03/2015 10:09

Well, I have no idea if you should be angry with your dh or not, but I am angry at YOU for being so selfish and sending your dc to school with what is clearly a sick bug. Stupid and bloody irresponsible. I'd hate for your dc to be in my dc's class.

CocktailQueen · 04/03/2015 10:10

DS is definitely ok, but it did take a bit of time to see that, as he was off his breakfast which is NOT normal for him

Then he is clearly not OK, is he? FFS.

durhamgirl · 04/03/2015 10:17

Off to school to infect the other poor unsuspecting kids with what could be a sickness bug. The 48 hour rule is there for a reason.

Top parenting

Samcro · 04/03/2015 10:19

poor kid
you should have kept him home

Original poster
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/03/2015 10:23

I was waiting for those sort of responses. Do you not think the school are aware? We have a close relationship with them and I've explained to the office staff exactly what the situation was on Sunday, before we allowed him to go to school on Monday. I've also spoken to them this morning. They were perfectly happy to accept him at school yesterday and they're happy with my judgement of whether he's ill this morning. I did mention he brought up phlegm last night. They asked if it was proper vomit, or bile.

DS was off his breakfast this morning because he was too lazy to eat! Like I said, it took me a bit of time to see whether or not it was because of illness - because I was an idiot and put the tv on, which is not normal school morning routine. It slows him right down and I forgot about that.

I'm not interested in the ins and outs of whether I've broken the 48hr rule or not. Feel free to continue to pile in, though. I'm happy with the answers I've got and won't be returning to the thread. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Samcro · 04/03/2015 10:28
Biscuit
HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 10:34

that is mumsnet for you OP

HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 10:36

but i must say i can't see why you should be angry at your DH,

HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 10:39

you can see in the bucket it wasnt sick, just phlegm. so you have your answer.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/03/2015 10:39

But it was three times.

If he'd been running around at a party and over indulged in sweets I'd agree with you that there was nothing wrong.

But how do you explain the night time??? He wasn't active or full of party food or in the car then was he.

and any child who managed to cough until they were sick isnt fit for school either.