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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes get bored of small talk

28 replies

Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:05

I find this particularly grating at work and especially if I'm stressed, as I get so impatient!

I work in a large organisation, and find myself answering and asking the same questions over and over throughout the week. How was my weekend. What have I got planned for the weekend. Isn't it lovely now the days are getting a bit longer. How tired we all are. What is for lunch. What is on TV tonight. How the weekend wasn't long enough.

While small talk undoubtedly has its place, I just don't know why my attempts at Big Talk (hobbies, philosophy, just even something slightly out of left field or a more controversial opinion, or as a last resort some slightly interesting current issue in the media) is so abhorrent to most people I talk to. I normally get a gasping-fish face and either a change of subject or a complete rebuttal.

Occasionally I have the most wonderful long conversation with someone where we can share our interests completely candidly, but these opportunities seem so few and far-between, and I want to feel more fulfilled socially :(

Do people just do small talk because we're so time-restricted in our interactions now? Or are we scared of going a bit off-piste? I desperately want to understand! Sometimes, I see a colleague and just want to shock them into saying something original. Sometimes it works - but mostly they just look distraught!

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SlaggyIsland · 02/03/2015 22:09

I know exactly what you mean! I occasionally speak to someone who will be open and genuine and human and it's wonderful!
Small talk is like some awful banal script but somehow talking about anything real seems to freak so many people out.

Original poster
Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:13

Thank you Slaggy Grin I love that robotic description. That is exactly how it feels sometimes. I figure if someone makes the effort to talk to me, I might as well try and say something interesting and "new", so that they've in some way benefited from talking to me and will want to talk to me again so we can hopefully bond over something. I just don't see how small talk achieves that, apart from maybe the most shallow of reassurances through a lack of silence!

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stubbornstains · 02/03/2015 22:16

Funny, I was reading another thread this evening where a workplace discussion about abortion went horribly wrong Hmm. I think that's the kind of thing they're scared of.....or perhaps (whispers) some of your colleagues haven't actually got any Big Talk?

I feel your pain, I really do...that's why I enjoy being self employed so much! Mind you, some of the things your colleagues come out with are seriously profound compared to the pensioners one encounters in my village...yesterday I was outside sanding a board, and this chap comes past: "Hard at work then?"............................er....................yes, thanks Hmm.

MrsTedCrilly · 02/03/2015 22:17

Totally agree, like you say small talk had its place but only when you first greet a person at the office, cafe etc.. It's so nice to connect properly with people and find out more about them rather than banal niceities. It's like you're just rubbing against each other for the sake of it!

stubbornstains · 02/03/2015 22:18

Ooh look, I've got a Random Grey Post! Special, me (preens).

stubbornstains · 02/03/2015 22:19

Oh. It moved Blush.

oldcroneat39 · 02/03/2015 22:19

What?

oldcroneat39 · 02/03/2015 22:21

Lost. If you're impatient when stressed at work. Could there possibly (maybe a teeny bit) be a little bit of a "not now" vibe coming off you and stopping conversations going further. I am certainly wary of getting in depth at work because we're all so busy.

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 22:22

Hello. Me too. I want to discuss Scott Walker and I get Olly Murs.

That really. I detest it.

Luckily, i mix with like minded people these days and it has bumped the quality up no end. Result.

MissMuesli · 02/03/2015 22:22

I don't like small talk at the hairdressers. I go their to relax (pretty much annually) and honestly I just want that time to be quiet rather than filled with meaningless chatter. I spoke to a hair dressed about this once and she admitted she was relieved as she actually didn't enjoy the small talk either. She just wanted to cut hair and do her job. Literally a match made in heaven!

Original poster
Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:24

Sorry stubborn, but TedCrilly has stolen your grey according to my screen Grin

I'm so weary. I'm tired of people asking me how I am, and recoiling in horror when I start rhapsodising about my recent success on a frustrating project, or wailing about a horrific meeting, or ramping up the agony about my recent stuffy nose. I just like to inject a bit of drama into the conversation with people I know and then start on an interesting topic but it seems so unusual to so many. I don't get a negative response, exactly...more of a confused and concerned one!

I wouldn't do this with people I'd never met before. I have an upbeat and interesting variation on small talk with strangers which a lot of shop assistants seem to actively hate (I don't blame them really). Elderly people however tend to be the best, as I can go off on all sorts of tangents with them and it's usually fine.

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VoyageOfDad · 02/03/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:26

I do talk impatiently, I'll admit. I talk fast and I talk excitedly but I don't talk crossly. I think perhaps colleagues might be a bit baffled by my enthusiasm for something other than small talk.

I figure if someone makes the effort to ask me how I am or what I did at the weekend, they've got at least a couple of minutes for a meaningful talk where we can actually learn something about each other rather than repeating a stock response back and forth...

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MrsCosmopilite · 02/03/2015 22:26

I'm with you on this - I find small talk, once we've got past the 'settling in' stage tedious.
My pet hate was always when I went to the hairdressers (which I can't afford to do now) and they'd say "ooh, what are you having for your dinner tonight?" or "Going anywhere nice for your holidays"
I was always tempted to reply "A human sacrifice" to the first and whichever war zone/earthquake zone had most recently been on the news for the latter.

I also loathed the pointless things people said when I was pregnant "Ooh, your bump's big/small/high low", or "Will you have any more?" Nosy and rude. It is like your mouth is working but you've not engaged your brain.

And yes, I am a grumpy, pedantic misanthrope about 90% of the time.

stubbornstains · 02/03/2015 22:28

Ah, no.....regarding the hairdressers, you have to be careful, I find. I've been going to the same hairdresser several times now, and it's always been fine....unfortunately, last time the Jeremy Vine show was on in the background and she decided to veer into Big Talk and give her opinions on immigration, while I was trapped in the chair...suffice it to say that I won't feel comfortable going back Sad.

Original poster
Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:32

I wouldn't be able to use my fine motor skills such as cutting hair and doing Big Talk. I would get too distracted with my thoughts and end up hacking off inches in my earnestness.

Unless cutting hair and doing Big Talk is like typing while doing Big Talk. In which case, I should start asking my hairdresser some more obscure questions!

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Minikievs · 02/03/2015 22:34

Small talk makes me seize up and go numb. I'm shite at it. Networking events at work are the devils work. As for hairdressers, just stick my colour on, pass me a magazine and a coffee please and leave me to sit. Alone. Quietly. Then return, cut my hair, take my money and say goodbye. I'm so miserable.....

MrsTedCrilly · 02/03/2015 22:35

I am the stealer of greys! Wink
I used to maintain a balance at work by joining in the small talk and working at the same time, then at lunch I'd go outside to have some quiet so I wouldn't have a whole dedicated hour of it. This meant I was still socially involved but could recharge!

MrsCosmopilite · 02/03/2015 22:36

Stubborn that's quite disconcerting, I admit!
I did used to go to one hairdresser who was lovely. We could talk about anything and everything. Unfortunately he moved abroad.

My best 'small talk from a hairdresser' moment has to be the time the stylist was snipping away at my hair and said "Is that okay, or do you want it longer?" Confused

stubbornstains · 02/03/2015 22:39

Whoop, the grey's back on me again! It's like a butterfly, if butterflies were, y'know, grey and rectangular Grin.

Do any other smalltalk haterz on this thread have, or suspect they have, Asperger's? It's supposed to be a trait....

editthis · 02/03/2015 22:42

I don't want to talk to anyone at work at all. That's why I chose an insular job that involves my fingers and brain and not my voice box.

I like talking to my friends, or strangers, when there is no time limit. A 30-second lift journey into whose silence you feel you need to pour stilted conversation is like Twitter played out in real time: horrid. I have been known to "go back to my desk for something I've forgotten" when about to enter a lift with someone I might need to engage in conversation for a minute or two.

Although perhaps the best way to put an end to my own misery and guarantee no one talks to me again would be to drop a few conversational "Big Talk" grenades in those lift journeys. Air a few incendiary views on cheery topics like abortion, or merrily discuss my sexual mores. That's a thought.

MrsTedCrilly · 02/03/2015 22:42

Oh yes the hairdressers.. I didn't go for 6 years to avoid the small talk. Then bit the bullet.. It wasn't too bad but I could tell she wasn't interested, I didn't want to talk either but both felt we had to.. It's not being miserable, just that it's one of the only opportunities to be relaxed and get pampered for some women. They need to ask if small talk is required when we book Smile

Original poster
Chilliplantbox · 02/03/2015 22:45

I sometimes think I do, when the small talk particularly grates. I don't know. So many different traits run in my family that I probably have a combination of lots of un-NT things.

My DF is a manic depressive narcissist (makes him sound awful but his rants conversations can at times be truly illuminating). Whenever I sit at a hideously small-talky table that never diverges from script, I often have to actively stop myself from talking about my favourite hobbies or how I feel about something and try and turn the conversation to something directly about them instead, which I think will elicit a much more positive response.

Sheesh, that paragraph makes me sound like I examine every social interaction in far too much depth. Perhaps I do - I find it all quite fascinating. I can spend hours reading about sociolinguistics...it makes me analyse what I'm saying as I say it, so I try and make sure it's never dull to the person on the receiving end or even in my own head!

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QueenBean · 02/03/2015 22:45

Argh totally agree, I hate small talk.

I'm finding more and more as I get older that I resent going out with work colleagues as we don't have too much proper chat to have apart from the usual shit. Which is so dull.

Minikievs · 02/03/2015 22:47

Yes! Ask when we book is a great idea. "Chat?" "Nope" "Fine, we've got a silent appointment space at 10"
I also vary my walking speed depending if I've spotted someone I know in the street, just to avoid them. I'm actually quite sociable but banal conversations with people just make me cringe

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