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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too be upset with friend/DC's mum

30 replies

NotNob · 02/03/2015 19:50

I am friends with the mum of one of DS's friends, both of which are in year 2.

We have play dates (urgh I feel sick typing that word) and chat over coffee and we also socialise periodically as families. Last week my friend messaged me to inform me her son told her my DS, along with another friend, punched him. I was horrified and immediately confronted DS about this. He denied it and I believe him. He was genuinely perplexed and mortified at the questioning. No, I don't think DS is the second coming but I believe him as he is a quiet, gentle boy who would run a mile and burst into tears if anyone even raised their voice to him. His friend, although pleasant, can be moody and is prone to bursts of anger if things don't go his way; I've witnessed this on several occasions.

After confirming to my friend that DH and I had both interrogated DS and were both convinced he did not punch him, my friend seemed to sidetrack and suggest it might have been another boy who was responsible. I'm left feeling quite angry at this accusation. She has a tendency to not reprimand her DS for poor behaviour and believes everything he says. She also subsequently admitted it would have been surprising if DS did indeed punch him. AIBU to feel resentful at this accusation? I consider it quite a serious one. Or am I being over-sensitive?

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CrapBag · 02/03/2015 20:02

YANBU. She should have tried to find out if this was true before accusing someone she already thought wouldn't do something like this.

It's tough. I have a year 2 child and am friends with a few of the mums. Unfortunately there are a few issues with 1 of the groups of friends in school and 1 of the mums seems to think we want to know what has happened or what she has been told has happened, because she would want to know. I personally don't want to know every little thing. I happen to know her child got physical with mine last week and I know if I tell her, she won't be happy, question her child who will deny it and she will believe her child. I do think mine is telling the truth though and I have brought it up with the teacher as I believe this is how it should be dealt with.

TwoOddSocks · 02/03/2015 20:09

I think it depends how she approached it with you. If she just told you that her son had made an accusation and she was trying to get to the bottom of it then I don't think SWBU. She was just trying to find out what had actually happened. If she approached you in an accusatory way under the assumption that your son had attacked hers than I can understand you being upset.

Still it seems in the end she conceded that it wasn't the kind of thing your DS would do, she agrees with you that your DS is a gentle boy so I would just let it go. We're all sensitive about our own kids, she'd probably be upset reading what you wrote about her son and her parenting (however true it might be) so it's probably better not to labour the subject unless it's an ongoing issue.

Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 20:13

When I showed my DH the message his first reaction was "and this is how friendships between parents are ruined". I want to remain friends but am hurt. If I put myself in her shoes, yes I would be concerned at this revelation but I would like to stop and consider how likely it is to be true before texting.

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Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 20:33

This is true, TwoOddSocks, thanks. I thought it better to post on here as I know if I don't let it drop it most likely will snowball. And I don't want to impact DS' s friendships in any way. However I think what I will take away from it is the decision to not manage his friendships. He seems happy enough at school and over analysis with friends and parents could be trouble.

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Charley50 · 02/03/2015 20:53

Yes its wise to drop it. People are over sensitive about their kids and if the kids are happy to be friends let them get on with it. Falling out over kids behaviour had massive repercussions for me and my son that spoiled an idyllic few years.

IAmAllImportant · 02/03/2015 20:58

I would drop it but remember this the next time your DS is accused of anything by her DS.

Well done for believing your DS. Sometimes as parents we get so wrapped up in being seen to do the right thing, we forget it is our DC on the receiving end of this!

ILovePud · 02/03/2015 21:16

Put yourself in her shoes, her Ds said that your DS had hit him, I think she probably believed her DS and she wanted to let you know, wouldn't you want your friend to tell you if she thought your DS had done this? You have spoke to him and he denied it, you told her that you were convinced your DS hadn't done this, so are in effect saying her child is mistaken or lying, where does she go from there? Have a confrontation with you? Maybe she values the friendship too much and though nothing further was to be gained by arguing the toss so she said something which could allow you both to back away from this. I think if you value the friendship you should let it go too.

countessmarkyabitch · 02/03/2015 21:24

Hold on a minute, she rang you and said her ds told her your ds had punched him. She didn't ring and say that it def happened, and you must do xyz, or anything?
Then when you said you were pretty sure her ds had not told her the truth, she then agreed with you and said perhaps it was another boy. I don't see what she has done wrong. She relayed the facts to you as she had them and was happy to be told by you that they were wrong.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 02/03/2015 21:31

so you believed your son hadn't done it after asking him?
and believes everything he says

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/03/2015 21:35

Yabu. Her son said one thing. Yours said the other. She dropped it and went with what you said and now you're annoyed.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/03/2015 21:36

She's choosing to be adult and not make a big deal out of it. You're using this as a chance to judge her parenting.

Charlotte3333 · 02/03/2015 21:43

It's so easy to get caught up in the he-did-this thing when your children have their own friends. And it's awful when parents can see no wrong in their child.

My only advice would be to let it go and try very hard to let the boys resolve their own issues. A parent of one of DS1's friends and I have lost contact over the last 6 months because our boys weren't getting on well and instead of simply letting them figure it out she began getting very defensive about him. The irony is, she sent a couple of quite spiteful texts about DS1, two days later the boys were friends again but our fledgling friendship was shot down in flames. And no matter how lovely she tries to be now, that spite won't ever quite be erased from my mind.

Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 21:53

My judemental comments were to illustrate how lightly she appears to take aspects of discipline when the kids are playing together. I found myself in the position of interrogating my DS for something he didn't do.

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Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 21:58

Yes Charlotte 3333! I don't want this to happen. Previous experience shows they fall out and are friends the next day.

I will drop it, I was hurt but less so now. We've anothet play date lined up for a few days time; I'll see how it goes.

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BarbarianMum · 02/03/2015 22:00

Well then next time don't "interrogate" your ds, just ask to him. I assume he's not so sensitive that you can't even talk things through with him? Your friend has shown a lot more subtly in dealing with this than you have, don't blame her for your overreaction.

ILovePud · 02/03/2015 22:01

Well you believe he didn't do it, you can't be certain, nobody can in these circumstances. Do you still want to be friends with her? I guess I'm wondering if you are just venting on here, which is fair enough, or whether you are wanting to confront her?

ILovePud · 02/03/2015 22:03

x posted, I hope the next meet up goes well.

countessmarkyabitch · 02/03/2015 22:10

you were the one who was horrified and interrogated him, why did you also assume her ds was telling the truth?

pictish · 02/03/2015 22:16

I wouldn't hold on to this. Don't be the sort of mum that can't be approached regarding your dc. It looks like she was wrong on this occasion, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that your son might punch someone, even if he is quiet and gentle and quakes like a lamb at a cocked eyebrow.
If you like her, let it go.

Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 22:35

As far as my reaction with her is concerned, it's hardly extreme; I was assertive and no more. What I've done is held onto it and rather internalised it. I guess I wanted opinion on whether my hurt was an over reaction. I'll move on, hopefully continuing the friendship. I just don't want to hold onto a resentment.

My 'interrogation' was to gently explain to DS what he had been accused of, that he understood what I was asking was serious and it was important he told me the truth. He welled up before I had even asked him.

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Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 22:38

Pictish had not considered this angle. I want to be approachable. DS has his faults for sure, I was just 100% behind him on this one.

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BarbarianMum · 02/03/2015 22:45

Well next time maybe just ask casually? Something along the lines of "I hear you and X and Y didn't get along so well today, what's that all about?" You'll probably find out more that way. Keep the "this is very serious and you must tell the truth" speech for when he's about to be excluded at school or down at the police station. Seriously, my gentle 9 year old would be in tears if I started a conversation like that.

thewavesofthesea · 02/03/2015 22:52

Well done for believing your son. My eldest is like this and I wouldn't believe for a second he would do this, but could believe it of my younger one!! Your son will thank you for believing him; make sure he knows you do. And is he happy to meet up with the other boy? Might be worth checking he is happy for the play date; otherwise I would let it slide. The boys probably won't even remember!

Original poster

NotNob · 02/03/2015 22:52

Fair point Barbarian He's the eldest of 3, I'm learning as I go. And perhaps too seriously....

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pictish · 02/03/2015 22:58

Yes...it's good to be approachable. You can always say "leave it with me, and I'll see what I can find out" which is willing and polite but non committal till you know more. If someone thinks your dc have done something wrong it is ok to bring it to your attention, which is all she really did.
I suspect she's not 100% sure of the facts yet either, and most likely neither of you will know for certain.
Draw a line under it now. Keep things sweet.

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