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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be irritated by family turning up unannounced!

45 replies

justhayley · 02/03/2015 16:45

Hiya,
I live about an hour away from my family and for some reason they repeatedly just decide to "drop in" to visit us whenever they like. It really irritates me as I could be out with the kids & have to come home as they are sitting outside, or might be in but just not in the mood for visitors. Iv told them that Although they are always welcome I don't like surprise visits (especially when my mum brings her friends Confused) and if they could give me a text or call first it would be better, but no... They don't seem to get it and keep doing it!
I'm not well today and although I got a text this time it was "we almost at yours do you need anything" i have 2 under 2s and it's almost time to start making dinner bathing etc and now I'm getting uninvited visitors.
AIBU to expect notice or to be asked if it's convenient?

OP posts:
kissmethere · 02/03/2015 16:52

Do they have a key to your house? They're not getting the message are they?
You're going to have to get firm if you want it to stop.

petalsandstars · 02/03/2015 16:54

Ah- sorry we're out for the day - you should have let me know you wanted to come over.

Don't need anything thanks - I'm just doing dinner. You can help cook if you like but you'll have to go straight after dinner as I'll be putting the kids to bed. Btw there's not enough to feed you too as I didn't know you were coming.

It's not a good idea to come today I am ill, hope you have something else to do this evening.

petalsandstars · 02/03/2015 16:54

And don't go back home if you're already out.

OhMjh · 02/03/2015 16:57

Don't open the door, they'll soon get the message.

A friend of mines mother kept doing this, except she had a key to be used in case of emergencyand kept letting herself in. Eventually, they heard her coming one day, stripped off and pretended she'd caught them mid act - needless to say, she always asked before she came over after that.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 02/03/2015 16:57

'Oh how lovely, I'm not very well and the thought of juggling dinner and bath time was wearing me out just thinking about it. If you could deal with the children while I get their tea sorted and then put them in the bath while I clear up, that would be such a help.'

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 02/03/2015 16:58

I would ring them back and say "don't bother coming, I'm sick."
As for every other time, I know what you mean. My family know to ask in advance before visiting, the in laws just arrive usually when the house is a tip, and complain about the mess...
No solution for it I'm afraid.

sooperdooper · 02/03/2015 16:59

I hate unexpected visitors - if I were you I'd text back 'sorry, I'm out all day, shame you didn't tell me earlier, you've had a wasted journey!' Then shut the curtains and don't answer the door, they won't do it again!!

FenellaFellorick · 02/03/2015 17:00

Stop going back home.

Sorry, we're out and won't be back until 6pm. Best to arrange things in advance in future so you don't have a wasted trip.

As long as you keep dropping everything - they'll keep coming.

You need to change. They will stop coming if they have to turn round.

bunnyhipsdontlie · 02/03/2015 17:02

I would just not come back when out and not open the door if in. They'll get the message at some point

maz210 · 02/03/2015 17:03

That would annoy me too, especially if you're busy. My cousin once traveled for an hour and a half to visit me but I wasn't in - when I found out I was completely bemused as to why he hadn't checked I was there first?!

I do pop in to another cousins (as they do to us) but we live 5 minutes away from each other so it's no problem if we're not around. Even then I usually let her know first if it's for anything other than dropping something to the door, she might have visitors and not want me to knock out of the blue.

I certainly wouldn't travel any distance to someone's house without checking they were in!

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 17:04

That would drive me up the wall .

Vycount · 02/03/2015 17:06

No faffing about with "oh good you can help with...". Just "Please don't come, I'm feeling really ill and would like to be left in peace."

DamselNotInHerDress · 02/03/2015 17:06

I houve having people just dropping in for a cuppa, but I have a relative who just pitches up from abroad for a week sniffing around for a bed Shock

DamselNotInHerDress · 02/03/2015 17:06

Houve?? No.
Love!

MumSnotBU · 02/03/2015 17:07

I'm sure it's irritating and YANBU.

However, to put a different slant on it-I would love to have any family near enough to pop in without staying for several days. Any of our relatives or old friends has at least a five hour drive to see us. My siblings rarely visit as they have busy weekends with kids activities. We moved for jobs, so it is our fault.

So, if you had to move a long way away, you might actually miss the days when they could pop round.

RabidFairy · 02/03/2015 17:09

I would dread coming home to find the car and guests sat outside. Today's situation is crazy, too, given the timing. YANBU!

ChocolateCherry · 02/03/2015 17:09

Yaddnbu but people that are inclined to 'pop in' are simply not able to understand that it's just not always ok.

God poor you...you mother brings her friends too?! Confused

My in-laws are the same. They live about half an hour away, and they have to make a specific planned journey to get to us so why in all that time and effort can't they call first to see if it's convenient for us as well as them? Hmm

They have also waited outside the house for us to come back which I think is weird and stifling.

Poor Dh often works from home and yet they frequently turn up right when he's working or on a phone meeting. Its very difficult because he can't stop and speak to them which makes him look rude and anti social even though they've landed on him.

IDontDoIroning · 02/03/2015 17:11

Several options-
1 assuming they don't have a key and wouldn't let themselves in to wait for you - you text "oh what a shame I'm out and won't be back till x o'clock - never mind next time text me to make sure I'm in before you set off and save a wasted journey
2 text back "I'm not feeling up to visitors today, perhaps next time text before you set off to make sure it's ok"
3 if they will turn up anyway lock the doors and don't answer them.

ChocolateCherry · 02/03/2015 17:15

Oh god do not give them a key.

My parents have a key to our house. I'm not sure it was a great idea. They're not in the same league as my inlaws but even so it does leave you wide open to people appearing in your house.

SaucyJack · 02/03/2015 17:19

Tell them it isn't convenient, and then don't let them in. Even if it means leaving them standing on the doorstep shouting "I know you're in" through the letter-box.

I had to do it before and it's the only way to get it through people's thick skulls.

And it goes without saying not to take any guilt-tripping afterwards. You can't come round means you can't come round.

bloodyteenagers · 02/03/2015 17:24

You go back when you are out?
Are you mad? Of course they keep doing it.
Just tell them no, it doesn't work for you. and stop going home if you are out. It's their own fault if they make wasted journeys. Obviously they have phones and know how to use them, well about time they used them to make proper plans. And as for bringing mates as well, fuck that.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 02/03/2015 17:30

No way would I go back home to them if I was already out, bollocks to that. You deffo need to stop that.

And DO NOT give them a key...bad things will happen.

YouTheCat · 02/03/2015 17:34

Tell them you've got sickness bug and are contagious.

If they still insist on coming, breathe on them... a lot.

Next time just don't answer/come back. You might have to do it a few times but they'll get the idea.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 02/03/2015 17:41

Why on earth do you go back home if you are out! I had somehow not read that part.

Have to say that I hate people 'popping in', or even turning up early.

When DH and I hadn't been married very long, SIL and BIL and their then young DCs turned up an hour early when they were coming to visit us, they only lived 40 minutes away so it wasn't that they wanted to be sure of being on time.
We didn't have any children at that point, and had had a lazy morning in bed and were only just out of the shower. I was not pleased.

Jux · 02/03/2015 17:58

Sorry, we're out. No, we can't leave now. We'll be here until 6ish at least, won't get home until 7/8/9ish. Sorry.

Ignore door bells/knockers.