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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be irritated by family turning up unannounced!

45 replies

justhayley · 02/03/2015 16:45

Hiya,
I live about an hour away from my family and for some reason they repeatedly just decide to "drop in" to visit us whenever they like. It really irritates me as I could be out with the kids & have to come home as they are sitting outside, or might be in but just not in the mood for visitors. Iv told them that Although they are always welcome I don't like surprise visits (especially when my mum brings her friends ) and if they could give me a text or call first it would be better, but no... They don't seem to get it and keep doing it!
I'm not well today and although I got a text this time it was "we almost at yours do you need anything" i have 2 under 2s and it's almost time to start making dinner bathing etc and now I'm getting uninvited visitors.
AIBU to expect notice or to be asked if it's convenient?

OP posts:

lithewire · 02/03/2015 18:16

YANBU. I've been in a similar situation where relatives would just text me "We're outside". On a Saturday/Sunday morning when I'm still relaxing in my dressing gown and the house is not presentable. Go to the door and lo and behold, they are indeed hanging around outside as though this is a normal thing to do unannounced. Drove me crackers!

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2015 18:47

Each time text back saying "Oh that's funny, we are sitting outside your house!"

MrsTedCrilly · 02/03/2015 19:05

I HATE this! My parents don't do it, but inlaws have until we mentioned we'd like a call first. We lived above them for a while and had to keep the doors locked all the time as we like to hang around in underwear.. and they had a habit of just strolling in! It's like your time is not your own and they think you're just waiting around for them to show up. I agree with others that you need to be firm, no hinting! It might be awkward at first but worth it in the long run. It's so much nicer when you have warning.. Tidy up, kids sorted, look presentable, get kettle on.. Nice and relaxed
I do wonder if it's a generational thing? It's mostly older people I know who just turn up for a cuppa as I think that's what people did back in the day.

Izzy24 · 02/03/2015 19:09

YANBU.

However, in this scenario I would probably be thinking 'great! You can cook supper and sort the children while I go to bed'!

Pico2 · 02/03/2015 19:15

When I was a child we moved house because our local relatives did this. But doing it from an hour away is madness.

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2015 19:16

It's not necessarily a generational thing, but more how you've grown up.

But you'll get the "popper-inners" coming along at some point to tell you how nice it is, that it's lovely that family feel they can do this.

Thing is, each side is not wrong, or right. What's needed is for each side to respect that other people don't always feel the same way about popping in with no notice.

Personally, I don't like people descending on me without some notice. I certainly would not be going back home to host people who turned up when I was out. That's just their back luck, and they should have checked first. If I'm out, then I'm out for a reason.

MsHighwater · 02/03/2015 19:17

Relatives of DH do this and it gives me the rage, especially when our plans are derailed as a result. One time they turned up when I was in the middle of making dinner. I had to switch off the oven and make coffee, FFS! They do it before Christmas, coming over with gifts, and always catch us unawares so that our gifts to them aren't ready. It ended up with DH, against my objections, making a special trip (prearranged, of course) to them cos the gifts just had to be delivered before gift!
Being his relatives, I saw it as DHs job to say something so he did it (after lots of "encouragement" from me) recently after the latest episode. We'll see whether it works...

Weebirdie · 02/03/2015 19:18

I wouldnt do it to anyone but have no problem with people doing it to me but perhaps its a generation thing.

Lweji · 02/03/2015 19:31

Worse than that, ILs and exH would pop in unannounced at his grandparents, when travelling from another country (3 hours by plane and over 5 by road) and to stay for days. Fair enough that they were always home, but still... When I went as well, I'd ring them one hour in advance and stop somewhere to get food before dropping on them.
It's a fairly remote location and one upon a time they didn't have a phone, but they have had one for ages.
On the other hand, the ILs wouldn't visit their children's homes without being invited. FGS.

I think it's nice that family (and friends) don't necessarily have to be invited, but it's nice to give fair warning.

GreyjoysAnatomy · 02/03/2015 19:46

I'd definitely feel that way about family, but my friends just come and go as they please. I don't have any family though, at least not ones that live within a 30 hr flight anyway

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2015 20:14

I think there are two types of popper inners.

The first lot turn up, but muck in and help out, maybe entertaining DCs while you finish dinner, or perhaps make themselves a drink and chat while you carry on what you're doing. In other words not imposing themselves as such.

Then there's the second type. Who expect that as they've graciously deigned to turn up unannounced, that you'll just stop what you're doing, host, make drinks, etc, as if your time was in no way as important as theirs, that you absolutely have to stop what you really, really have been needing to get done.

I had the second type in my life. Had. I put a stop to it.

feckitall · 02/03/2015 20:20

Interesting thread...I would hate this...I value my privacy.

DS has got an issue with his partners family who were given a key 'for emergencies' but use it to let themselves in anytime and anywhen. DS hates it..his partner thinks it is totally normal. They often get home to find her family sat on their sofa having made drinks/food!
Apparently we are 'not normal' because we arrange to see each other, don't live in each others pockets and it is a real bone of contention.

I'm watching this thread with interest...

catsrus · 02/03/2015 20:31

My (now ex)MIL is a popper-inner, and she has a key, we told her not to bother ringing the bell but just let herself in, so she always did. Her son and I got divorced 4 yrs ago, I stayed in the house with the DC, she still has the key and still pops over and lets herself in. I have absolutely no problem with that - I love to see her world's best (ex)MIL and she does continually check with me that it's OK to just pop in. Now if the neighbours who have an emergency key were to do that it would not be OK - so for me it really is about the relationship not the principle.

allinall · 02/03/2015 20:53

My PILs have done this all the years I have known them (30 ish). I hate it, and they know I hate it. They used to just let themselves in (door not usually locked if we were in), then we started locking the door, and they accused us (me, really) of being rude for locking the door!

Some years ago, dh had it out with them, and they agreed to ring first (but were huffy about it). Usually they then rang when no more than 5 minutes away, so only time to dress, or chuck mess in cupboards, or whatever. On one memorable occasion they rang when we were in bed (early weekend morning), from our driveway!

We recently moved house. Not much further away, but not on their route anywhere! Things seem to have improved. Also MiL is now in poor health, and I think she was worse than FIL for this, so they don't turn up as much.

No real solution though. They are both thick skinned and easily offended, if that is possible! They have never had a key to any of our houses over the years, despite them constantly asking for one. I have tried not answering the door, but they are very persistent and not easily put off.

I just hope to outlive them. I look forward to the peace I will then enjoy!

And I am now bending over backwards to never do his to my grown up children. Probably to an extreme. They probably think I never want to see them!

Grandshiredoubles · 02/03/2015 22:41

I would never do that. Daughter lives an hour away so always make sure she is in and it's convenient.

Many moons ago my exs parents stated calling In on a sat morning on their way back from shopping, quite irritating as weekends were precious as we both worked hard. She had an emergency key but used to,ring.
One sat we were having a lie in so when the doorbell rang we had a huge row as we rushed getting dressed Etc. Along thr lines of your f**ing parents need to be told ans other nasty stuff. Finally went down to,open door just in time to see them drive off. Went into lounge and spare key had been placed on coffee table. They never ever called in again without checking first and the incident was never discussed. My present in laws will drop stuff In if passing but don't expect to come in

lertgush · 03/03/2015 01:55

Give them a job to do the moment they walk in.

Once you've got everyone working, sit down with a cuppa.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/03/2015 09:42

Don't drop everything for them. Tell them you are run off your feet, and they can help by doing bath, peeling potatoes, whatever...

You can chat while you work around them.

Hathall · 03/03/2015 09:50

The next time you get a text like that, just get your kids and go out.
Don't reply to text messages.
Go home when you want and apologise later saying you forgot your phone and next time they should really call you in advance.

SomewhereIBelong · 03/03/2015 09:56

"poppers in" here just muck in and go along with the flow of what is happening.

If you have been invited you will be treated like a treasured guest, if you have asked to come, we will be there and the house will probably be tidy, if you pop in, you take it as it comes.

poppers-in have no right to feel affronted if you are not there or if you are busy, but the one being visited has a responsibility to speak up and not just huff and puff about if they don't want you there.

That's how it works in our family - both sides.

LollyLondon · 03/03/2015 09:57

I hate getting unexpected visitors. DH is the opposite and loves people dropping in. Admittedly, I am a bit of a control freak...

Good advice above, just wanted to say I sympathise!

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