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AIBU?

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Original poster

wedding related saga continues....

47 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 02/03/2015 08:28

Link to my previous lengthy thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/www-about-this-email-wedding-related

In summary, last summer I was bridesmaid for a close friend. All seemed to go fairly well on the day, some weeks later she sent me and another bm a shitty email saying we'd let her down and behaved badly, everyone thought it was terrible, and so on.

We replied, disagreeing politely. She and another friend basically did a lets sweep it under the carpet and move on. Without accepting she was wrong in any way, even though what she'd said was completely untrue.

Other friend then planned a meal/ overnight stay at hers for all of us which thankfully ended up getting cancelled, that was in early Dec.

Have heard nothing since then from bride, she's popped up a few times on facebook but that's it.

Anyway a few weeks ago (after my DP was diagnosed with cancer - luckily it was small, hasn't spread and touch wood he's going to be fine) I thought oh sod it and emailed our group suggesting we all meet for lunch later this month. Kind of an olive branch, etc.

Bride has replied v enthusiastically, suggested everyone stays over at mine the night before to catch up, see the wedding photos etc...

Other BM meanwhile is still less than happy with bride. Especially as over Xmas she heard from some friends who also attended the wedding that the bride had been retelling the 'how out of order we were' story to most of them....and that apparently no one has received a thank you for their gifts. So she's saying she doesn't really want to come for lunch, and certainly not the night before.

Sigh. What do I do now?!

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2015 08:29

Nothing. It's up to the other BM as to whether she wants to come or not.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 02/03/2015 08:32

2 of my bridesmaids behaved awfully and really did put a damper on my wedding. But I never sent an email about it so this can't be about me! Grin

But YABVU for reminding me about it.

NerrSnerr · 02/03/2015 08:32

I agree, just go for lunch with whoever wants to go. It's up to the bm if she wants to go for lunch with you or not.

Perfectlypurple · 02/03/2015 08:34

That link doesn't take you to the thread. It takes you to the aibu page.

RatMort · 02/03/2015 08:44

I remember your original thread. Look, even if you feel like offering an olive branch - and to be honest, I'm slightly confused as to why you have, unless it's that your husband's diagnosis made you think life was too short for enmity? - you can't dictate how another person responds to the same mistreatment.

You're obviously not unreasonable to try to reconcile, if you've forgiven and forgotten, but from what you've said about the bride's appalling, ungracious behaviour and lack of apology, I think I would feel like the other bridesmaid and have zero interest in continuing a relationship with her (or indeed, with someone who was pressuring me to behave as though nothing has happened.)

Why, incidentally, are you behaving as though the other BM's behaviour is the problem, rather than the bride's? And is it not outrageously presumptuous of the bride, who has so thoroughly publicly bad-mouthed you, to issue a mass invitation to everyone to stay over at YOUR house, to see the photos of the wedding she claims you ruined???

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 08:48

So you invited them to lunch and the bride that was invited them all to yours for the night?

I suspect she is planning on paying you back for your bad behaviour. It's a trap! The other friend has got her sussed.

Vycount · 02/03/2015 08:49

I'm with RatMort 100%. Email everyone back and say "My suggestion was lunch every body. I don't really want a houseful of guests when DH is seriously ill. Bridezilla - maybe sleep in at yours to look at the wedding stuff another time? "

Cheeky mare!
If other BM doesn't want to go I don't blame her. Bottom line is that an invitation is just that, they can be declined and no reasons need to be given.

miniavenger · 02/03/2015 08:51

So the bride has volunteered you to host everyone overnight and made it clear it will be about her and her wedding. Tbh I see where the other bm is coming from especially given her slagging you both off. I would not go either. Be prepared for lots of veiled digs and to feel the nerd to apologise again and again.

I remember your last thread and it doesn't seem like she's changed at all she should be apologising to you both, not still trying to make it all about her.

Accept the other bm doesn't want to come. Prepare for passive aggressive comments and hints because I would be very very surprised if your dont get them. Tbh im surprised you still want her friendship.

I hope your dp gets well quickly op.

wriggletto · 02/03/2015 08:53

^ to both posts above. She's inviting everyone to stay over with you, so you can all spend the evening going through her^ photos? She does know the bridesmaid's 'maid' obligations end at the church, right?

Just email back, saying, 'oh, such a shame! We're actually out at someone else's the night before, so can't do the sleepover, but really looking forward to lunch.' And if the albums come out at the table they will there's a natural limit to how long you can be expected to see them, without running the risk of getting coffee stains on her tissue paper.

IDontDoIroning · 02/03/2015 08:53

I would say no to everyone staying at your house. WHY on earth would you want to do that especially after the way she treated you ?

Just email or text to say bride has misunderstood you can't have people to stay. (How nice of HER to invite everyone to YOURS) so it's just a get together lunch. I think she's still trying to make it all about her and her wedding.

I sympathise with your other BM friend.

Vycount · 02/03/2015 08:53

Op - there's line between being nice and being a doormat. At the moment you're on the wrong side of it. I must admit, in your shoes I'd have deleted Bride's contact details and invited everyone else...

ChipDip · 02/03/2015 08:56

I agree with Ratmort too. The absolute cheek of the BRide inviting people over to stay! Op has any of these friends supported you when your DH was ill? I would have to be with the other BM I'm afraid.

Duckdeamon · 02/03/2015 08:57

Other BM is not being unreasonable to make different decision about seeing Bride. Bride is being presumptuous to suggest you host people overnight. I would be firm that it was a lunch out invitation not an overnight at yours! Lunch is more manageable, especially if it goes badly!

MidniteScribbler · 02/03/2015 08:58

No one gives a shit about someone else's wedding photos. Former bride (you lose that title after your "big day", she's now just another generic run of the mill person), needs to be told that her behaviour was inappropriate and you will not be spending a night reliving the nightmare that was her wedding and that it's not all about her.

I can't even see why you invited her. She's vile.

wriggletto · 02/03/2015 08:58

oops, italics fail. But yes - your DP is going through a tough time, and absolutely shouldn't be disrupted with a houseful of people. And if the bride makes it all about her still, knowing that, it's probably sending out a pretty clear message to the others as well, which might be putting a rather different spin on her 'my BMs were so selfish' whingeing.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 02/03/2015 08:59

Hang on, she's invited a load of people to stay over at your house and then is planning to make this captive audience relive her wedding? Tell her no, that doesn't work for you. It's all about her isn't it?

FionaJT · 02/03/2015 09:01

Wow, the bride is really trying to string out her 'special day', isn't she. Last summer's weddings are very old news, surely everyone else has moved on!I can understand why you would be feeling like extending olive branches right now, but can't imagine why you would want to continue the friendship with her, she sounds awful and not like a great person to have in your life, and for me this sleepover suggestion would be the last straw. Sounds like the other bridesmaid is doing the sensible thing, I'm afraid.

fattymcfatfat · 02/03/2015 09:03

wow. shes selfish. you need to tell everyone that it is lunch only as you have more important things to concentrate on than her bloody wedding

Only1scoop · 02/03/2015 09:04

I recall your previous thread.

To be honest it was a bit daft to agree to everyone staying at yours. Just say that's not convenient and meet for dinner somewhere....

As for the making all about her 'big day' photos etc....well....what did you really expect?....she's a selfish ungrateful piece of work ....don't enable her.

Politely suggest a restaurant.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 02/03/2015 09:05

Apologies link didn't work, posting from my phone which prob doesn't help.

I also think my op possibly wasn't as clear as it should have been...basically I'm pretty Hmm about 'lets all come to yours' because yes whilst historically that has been what's happened, things have changed. Just to add we won't get an invite to brides house as it's a bit of a state, and her dh doesn't like visitors...

As to the other BM, I totally agree she can make her own mind up. When the meal was suggested end of last year, the one that ultimately got cancelled she was quite in favour (me not so much!), so I was expecting her to say yes to this. That said, when I extended my olive branch I didn't know the bride was still slating us to others as recently as Xmas, so I slightly wish I'd not bothered!

OP posts:
CharityD · 02/03/2015 09:08

No way. Go ahead with the lunch, since it was something you wanted to do. Say a firm no to the overnight stay for the purpose of gazing at photos of a wedding this person has bad mouthed you about. Tbh, I would have let the friendship go, at that stage. In the other BM's situation, I wouldn't attend, tbh.

Hope your DP is doing well.

RatMort · 02/03/2015 09:10

OP, why suddenly the doormat-ish behaviour? Because if that's not how you see initiating a social occasion with someone who has publicly repeatedly abused you, and letting her issue mass invitations to a sleepover at your house while your husband is dealing with cancer (to look at photos of the wedding at which she slagged you off to all the guests!), it's certainly liable to be read that way.

The bride (and your friends?) may well see this as an apology, as you acknowledging that you admit to having 'ruined her wedding'.

And do you really feel like hosting a gathering which people will view as the bride re-establishing her position of power, and making the obligatory 'don't you look lovely?' comments while everyone remembers that when that photo was taken, the bride had just been shrieking about how awful you were?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 02/03/2015 09:17

Agree you do sound like a doormat. Are you that desperate for friends?

MairyHinge · 02/03/2015 09:17

She's not going to let this drop, so if I were you I'd not bother. If they all come to yours, you will be hosting whilst she, one way or another, slags you off...even if it's done subtly, she will make sure you know she's still cross with you and you need to be punished.
Now you know she's STILL slagging you off, I'd email her and say " actually I've changed my mind, dh is ill, ( has she asked after him at all??) and I don't want a house full of people, I also know you've been saying some awful things about me and ( other bridesmaid) as recently as xmas, so I wish you well but let's forget it"
What do you get from her??? Is she a good freind? Do you see her often? Can you live happily without her?

ElsaLitcha · 02/03/2015 09:19

She's not a friend really is she. Id cancel and focus on other things.