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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding related saga continues....

47 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 02/03/2015 08:28

Link to my previous lengthy thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/www-about-this-email-wedding-related

In summary, last summer I was bridesmaid for a close friend. All seemed to go fairly well on the day, some weeks later she sent me and another bm a shitty email saying we'd let her down and behaved badly, everyone thought it was terrible, and so on.

We replied, disagreeing politely. She and another friend basically did a lets sweep it under the carpet and move on. Without accepting she was wrong in any way, even though what she'd said was completely untrue.

Other friend then planned a meal/ overnight stay at hers for all of us which thankfully ended up getting cancelled, that was in early Dec.

Have heard nothing since then from bride, she's popped up a few times on facebook but that's it.

Anyway a few weeks ago (after my DP was diagnosed with cancer - luckily it was small, hasn't spread and touch wood he's going to be fine) I thought oh sod it and emailed our group suggesting we all meet for lunch later this month. Kind of an olive branch, etc.

Bride has replied v enthusiastically, suggested everyone stays over at mine the night before to catch up, see the wedding photos etc...

Other BM meanwhile is still less than happy with bride. Especially as over Xmas she heard from some friends who also attended the wedding that the bride had been retelling the 'how out of order we were' story to most of them....and that apparently no one has received a thank you for their gifts. So she's saying she doesn't really want to come for lunch, and certainly not the night before.

Sigh. What do I do now?!

OP posts:

Swingball · 02/03/2015 09:22

Alcohol and revisiting the wedding when bridezilla is still holding a grudge - recipe for absolute disaster! Put them off staying at yours and just go for lunch.

notnaice · 02/03/2015 09:24

I'd start with lunch and see how you feel it goes then. When you see her everything might be fine and you want to continue the relationship. On the other hand you might still feel pissed off. A night and day may feel like an eternity if this is the case.

miniavenger · 02/03/2015 09:25

Op be firm, 'sorry I can't commit to the evening though if you want to go ahead at yours bridezilla that's great. I'll see you ladies for.lunch and we can catch up on what we've all been doing over the last few months.

She's treating you like you have something to apologise for and make up, like you owe her. Be firm and stick with lunch and catching up in everyone. She will probably have a tantrum if you do keep standing up to her and cancel anyway. Bonus!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 02/03/2015 09:29

Why is it still about her wedding when she got married 6/8 months ago?

She sounds like a nightmare.

Definitely don't agree to the staying over part, how rude!

diddl · 02/03/2015 09:32

I can understand both sides- why other bm isn't interested & why you want to.

I'd just do lunch though.

With a view to it all going tits up...

DeliciousMonster · 02/03/2015 09:32

basically I'm pretty hmm about 'lets all come to yours' because yes whilst historically that has been what's happened, things have changed.

So put a stop to it. You are in charge of your life, don't let her boss you about.

DoJo · 02/03/2015 09:37

Here's the original thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2213703-about-this-email-wedding-related

I don't understand why you wanted to offer an olive branch after being so upset at her? Do you really still want to be friends with her, especially now you know that she is still slagging you off to friends? I think the issue of the other bridesmaids is a red herring - what do YOU want to do about this friendship?

pepperfish · 02/03/2015 09:48

I have been in a really similar situation (I think I remember your post). I was told after a very close friends wedding that I behaved awfully (I'm still not clear how or why!). This then extended to her telling me she didn't like my own DH (who is a wonderful man without a bad bone in his body, although I suppose I am biased) and that she felt we were both self obsessed and selfish. I suspect it was money related - I really struggled to pay for my part in her wedding - 2 hen dos at £250 a pop -I made the mistake of not telling her out of embarrassment and then couldn't afford to spoil her in the way she expected (we were also saving for our own wedding and every penny was precious!) She told me she felt let down and like I didn't care and when I explained, she didn't understand as we had bought a house recently so 'obviously you aren't short of money' (I wish!!!). She clearly bitched to all her friends from the otherside of her life and I acutely remember on the hen do and wedding day itself being treated like a leper by the rest of the wedding party and sadly, some of our mutual friends too. It hurt, still does.

I've chalked it up to her being unhappy. Money was also tight for her and I could see she was stressed. I just have this feeling that she wasn't as happy as she thought she'd be at that time. Weddings also send people a bit mad, temporarily. That's the only way I can explain it as her behavior around this time was so bizarre. I've tried to be understanding. Perhaps I am a doormat and a fool but I have chosen to be the bigger person and 'let it go' for the sake of a very long, old friendship. Can't say we are 100% back to where we were pre weddings, but it's getting much better in time.

If this is something you can do, and you want to keep her friendship, continue as you are. Let her sort herself out with your other friend, if she tried to involve you in a discussion about it, just politely say that perhaps they should talk about it between themselves as you'd rather not get involved and dig up something you've laid to rest.

Hope that helps, sorry it was a bit rambling.

Duckdeamon · 02/03/2015 09:51

Don't be about Bride's proposal for people to stay at yours, do something about it! just tell everyone that the idea doesn't work for you (no need to give reasons) and "is lunch still on?"

TwinkieTwinkle · 02/03/2015 10:11

I really want to read the original thread! I'm intrigued as to why your friend thought you and the other bridesmaid behaved badly.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/03/2015 10:13

No way should you be having them to stay at yours. There's a high probability - especially if the other BM on your side refuses to come - that Whingezilla will get all the other guests onside and then take the opportunity to ambush you in your own home.

Lunch, fine if you really want to still be friends. Pyjama and character assassination party? Not so much

Shrekandprincessfiona · 02/03/2015 11:03

Why. Just why?

Life is far too short to put up with this kind of crap.

I would not allow the bridezilla to dictate things like 'we'll have a sleep over at your house' and talk yet again about her wedding. I agree, it is highly likely that this will end with a character asassination, of you in your own home.

This so called friend too faced, self centred, drama queen should be supporting you in this time.

I think the other bridesmaid is right.

You have a choice here; you could either be a doormat and bend over backwards to please appease this women (who has basically been allowed to bad mouth you and is very very too faced). Or, you could shove on your big girl knickers and not do this 'lunch' or anything else to extend the olive branch....let her come to you.

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2015 13:09

TBH at this stage, I'd be cancelling the lot, with a group email so no one is under any misapprehension as to why. I would definitely be including info on why the recent bad-mouthing is so wrong, ie putting the record straight.

And then deleting this friendship.

Original poster

bridesmaidrevisited · 02/03/2015 14:11

I'd not agreed to the sleepover suggestion, tbh I was waiting to see what the other BM said (as the brides message about it was sent to everyone).

I've not told anyone other than BM about my DPs illness, mainly because I've not really heard from any of them since the pre Xmas meal got cancelled, I was leaving it til as and when I saw them next. DP actually is quite laidback about it and was v in favour of me offering the olive branch, not least because me, bm, bride etc have all been friends for over 30 years. When I thought she'd left it alone after her initial outburst I was of that view, now knowing even after she said back in Nov oh lets draw a line etc, that she was still moaning about us to other people a month later puts a slightly different complexion on things!

For anyone who wanted to know how we offended her so badly (and doesn't have hours to read the previous thread) basically we didn't turn up for photos with the bride at the hotel before leaving for the venue that we weren't told were happening. We also allegedly were late meant she had to set off late (we were all going in one car from hotel to venue) although given when we got to the venue the wedding planner person said oh you're all early...that seems unlikely. We also did loads on the day...other BM did all the wedding favours. I bought presents for all the child guests and organised games for them. We both got people up dancing, mingling, chatted to everyone. But because we missed the photos none of that matters!

OP posts:

CrapBag · 02/03/2015 14:28

I remember your previous thread and the get together that didn't happen and your feelings on it.

Sorry your DH has been ill. I do wonder why you would bother with her again though, although as I read it you decided this before you realised she was still bad mouthing you. I'd actually cancel it and make it clear why. "Sorry all, recently realised last year's issue hasn't been forgotten and me and other BM have been being bad mouthed, when once again we did absolutely nothing wrong and went above and beyond for X on her day, so let's forget this get together as i'm not in the mood to be reminded how 'awful' I behaved and I have no desire to look through the photos I apparently didn't turn up for"

Or something along those lines. It's fine that you wanted to extend an olive branch but now you know she was still bad mouthing you, I wouldn't be going ahead. Other BM has right idea.

Agree with others, she will use this as as opportunity to have little digs. She also has a massive nerve to turn a lunch invite into a bloody sleep over at your house for everyone.

Hissy · 02/03/2015 14:28

TBH, your best bet is to be honest with this woman.

Firstly you and reiterate it's lunch ONLY.
Secondly you tell this woman that you are offering this lunch as an olive branch, because life is too short, but that you've heard about her story telling and you are NOT impressed. You are not going to rehash it again, because you are bored shitless of having to discuss it, but that she needs to make sure that the subject gets dropped PRONTO and ideally an apology to you and the other BM.

if she can't do that, fair enough. The way she has treated you and other BM, for whatever reason, was unacceptable, ignoring it and inviting everyone to your house to coo over HER wedding pictures is going to stir up bad feelings and it's best if she just think about what was said/done at the time and move on. You have no specific desire to be reminded of any of it.

Charley50 · 02/03/2015 17:05

Fuckin' ludicrous!

miniavenger · 02/03/2015 17:40

Olive branches are one thing, but she's still taking the piss and has been all along. What does she bring to you support ad friendship wise to fall out over this and her not be bothered or involved in your life until it suits her?

She will walk all over you, she will continue to 'punish' you for it and you need to say no way. Will the other BM be happy to come if you stand up to her and say lunch only? Perhaps she can see things falling into a place where you both would be subject to a lot of shit.

IAmNotAMindReader · 02/03/2015 18:00

I would now cancel. You offered an olive branch and she ripped it out of your hands and beat you round the head with it over the assumption to, what a shame stay at yours. That alone proves she has not changed her tune. She thinks you owe her.
Find a sudden emergency that means you have to cancel, what a shame, must chat soon and all that and never be tempted to contact her again. The other bm wants nothing to do with her so best to let sleeping dogs lie.

IAmNotAMindReader · 02/03/2015 18:01

apologies for the rogue what a shame.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 05/03/2015 10:44

She sounds worse the more I read (bridezilla i mean).

WhatchaMaCalllit · 20/03/2015 12:50

Not unreasonable to send back an email to all addresses saying that while you'd love to see the wedding photos, the suggestion was for lunch and not a sleepover party what age is the bride, 12? and that staying over in your house was and is not on the cards so apologies to anyone who may be inconvenienced by something that isn't or wasn't ever going to happen.

This Bride is behaving most bizarrely.

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