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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just been sterilised...AIBU or should hubby do more?

69 replies

crabbiepattie · 01/03/2015 15:07

I came home, DM had pucked the kids up from school, looked after them, fed them, tidied the house, made tea. Amazing!! She is amazing!!

DH has looked after kids...let me have a lie in and brought me 1 cup of tea in bed...

House is now a tip again...ive tried tidying but my tummy gets sore and painful. So Im sat on the sofa with a hot water bottle. Im day 3 post op BTW.
Kids are bored. Dont know whats going on in the kitchen.
Ive stripped beds annhoovered this morning and nowt was said about me taking it easy or him doing it instead. Just "what are you doing?!" Then he had a go at me for saying it needed doing in an angry way!!

AIBU??? I just want a cup of tea and some toast and to be told to rest up!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
crabbiepattie · 01/03/2015 16:22

What does LTB mean?!!! ConfusedConfusedConfused

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 01/03/2015 16:27

LTB ='Leave the bastard'. It seems to be a Mumsnet catchphrase. (not one that I would use unless it was extreme circumstances, which I don't think this is) Smile

trashcanjunkie · 01/03/2015 16:30

It means Leave The Bastard

Sorry op but he sounds awful.

Your post raises a few questions for me...

How come you have been sterilised? A vasectomy is a much cheaper, safer, and faster to heal procedure. I'm guessing because your 'd'p wouldn't go through with one...

Why on earth have you done manual things yourself? Is it because you are afraid to directly ask?

And yes, it's shit that you have not been looked after by him, but why are you putting up with this? You certainly don't deserve it.

Finally, are you actually saying that he pestered you for sex? What would have happened if you'd flatly refused? Do you feel you have to keep him happy? Seriously? Two days post op?

This man doesn't sound nice at all. You are being a doormat I'm sorry to say.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2015 16:33

I'm quite shocked actually. You had an invasive operation, presumably he could have had a vasectomy. Your DM is doing lots, you are doing lots and he needs to come, and not sort himself out two days post-op. And YOU DO IT.

He sounds like a prince. You need to either LTB if he's abusive or start to assert yourself if he's just a thoughtless idiot. Which is he?

DoingTheSwanThing · 01/03/2015 16:41

Seriously?!?! He lets you go for the riskier, more painful, less effective option rather than go for the snip himself? Then watched while you run around doing the housework? Then demands his "needs" be met?
You have bigger issues than the housework, and I have never said that online before. He sounds like an inconsiderate waste of space.
Hope you're feeling better soon :(

BumWad · 01/03/2015 16:42

I can't believe you gave him a hand job 2 days post op. I mean really? Confused he sounds like an utter prick.

kinkyfuckery · 01/03/2015 16:46

He can't survive two days without having "his needs met"? Can't he just have a wank??

museumum · 01/03/2015 16:48

Unless there's been a vomit, www or poo incident then the beds could always wait another day or two till your dh gets to them.
WTF are you doing jeopardising your recovery?!?

AdoraBell · 01/03/2015 16:49

His "needs" are that he needs To be an adult and look after his DCs, because he is their parent, and his wife because she has just had surgery.

Anything else is his "wants". In this case "I want sex while you are in pain post OP because that is the kind of selfish bastard I am"

Don't hint, tell him To look after the DCs and do the BASIC housework while he's at it, and if he wants sex before you are ready tell him To practice a little DIY.

dancestomyowntune · 01/03/2015 16:50

Not going to comment on your dh.

However, I have an app to request a sterilisation tomorrow, can I ask what to expect?

Before anyone says my dh can get a vasectomy, yes, he could, but he isn't the one who just had a bad pregnancy that she doesn't want to repeat and he isn't the one that would likely try and get pregnant in the future if the option was there.

Pannacotta · 01/03/2015 16:57

I agree that you ought to tell him what to do if he can't work it out for himself and explain you are in pain and need to rest.

Re his "needs" this is poor form. My H asked for a hand job the day I gave birth to DS2 and more fool me I obliged. He is now my ExH....

Original poster
crabbiepattie · 01/03/2015 17:09

Hes looking after the DCs just fine. Always does TBF. He wouldnt have the snip because Ive tried kicking him out more than once when I had issues (severe pnd) and if he met someone else, he might want to uave kids with that someone else.

Whatever....i dont want to go through pregnancy, pnd, lack of sleep etc again. Love my three with all my being but couldnt face it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
crabbiepattie · 01/03/2015 17:12

Dancestomyowntune

Its the best thing Ive ever done (apart from having my three DCs!!)

Im feeling a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At the same time, im quite sore, constipated (painkillers) and I think I have some puss coming out of my wound!!

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 01/03/2015 17:14

dancest I had mine done as a day case. I was only in hospital for a few hours.
Came home (you can't drive due to having a GA), felt absolutely fine. No pain whatsoever. Was back to normal the next day. Had a couple of little stitches that dissolved on their own (if I remember rightly).
You are advised to take 3 days off work, but you will be given that info at the hospital.
Hopefully it all goes as well for you as it did for me.

cricketballs · 01/03/2015 17:17

why is op's decision to he sterilised against op's DH having a vasectomy being questioned?

dance I have been sterilised before anyone jumps on that it was my decision as I knew I didn't want more than 2 DC so why risk it mine was keyhole and it did feel like my tummy had been kicked by a horse; it didn't take too long though for the pain to subside, maybe a couple of days

fatlazymummy · 01/03/2015 17:18

crabbie, don't want to worry you, but I think it might be an idea to have your wound looked at, in view of the fact you're still feeling sore. It's possible it's not healing properly.

cricketballs · 01/03/2015 17:22

thanks for the concern fatlazymummy; this was 13 years ago and the pain lasted about 3 days!

cricketballs · 01/03/2015 17:23

opps - should have read your post properly fatlazymummy Grin but I did feel pain for a few days aftwerwards

trashcanjunkie · 01/03/2015 17:24

Because cricket it's very often the case that women are pressured by the man to go through a sterilisation as they are unwilling. The two procedures are vastly different wrt healing time and pain, but it's surprising how often a woman undergoes it when the partner could just as easily have, because they are unwilling to go through the pain.

Also women in these type of relationships are under no illusion that they will be doing all of the associated work with the dc.

AdoraBell · 01/03/2015 17:25

YY To having it looked at, I'm sure there shouldn't be pus coming from the wound.

fatlazymummy · 01/03/2015 17:31

trashcan I had a sterilisation because I didn't want any more children, irrespective of what my partner wanted, or any future potential partners. My body, my choice as the saying goes.
And it was a piece of piss as far as I'm concerned, no pain or suffering involved at all. Unlike some men that experience pain and complications following vasectomy.

Millionsmom · 01/03/2015 17:33

I'm in the camp that says you should TELL him what needs to be done.

Write him a list - tape it to the TV screen - grab your comfort food then take some ibuprofen and paracetamol if need be and get yourself off to bed.nyou deserve a rest and some TLC, ime men respond better if you're actually IN bed.

I was sterilised 17 years ago this month, the relief was unbelievable! No more pregnancy scares - apart from the first month post op, now THAT was a scare, I told my DH he'd be getting 'done' if I was. I didn't know that sometimes your cycle goes nuts post op.

cricketballs · 01/03/2015 17:34

but the op has explained why she didn't want to go through another pregnancy - and who says that just because it is the easier procedure the man has to undergo that he should do it?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/03/2015 17:41

You are recuperating from a major op two days ago, you're in pain and you really wanted to give your dh a handjob?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/03/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.