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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not ask dh nicely to pick up after himself?

45 replies

CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 14:57

Dh will be abit of a slob if it was up to him. I on the other hand like everything in its place and things organised.

Dh has a habit of getting out of bed last but not making the bed, having a shower but not rinsing the bath out or pulling the shower curtain across to dry. He also never opens the blinds upstairs once he is dressed as hes always the last to be dressed. He will turn lights on rather than open the blinds. He just doesnt notice apparently.

I wipe the kitchen surfaces around 6 times a day. Dh comes along and makes a sandwich and coffee and leaves crumbs and sugar on the surfaces and puts pots in the bowl rather than the empty dishwasher.

Im getting fed up of going round after him with a cloth or making the bed after him or rinsing the bath out after his shower.

I ve started calling dh back to clean up after himself and i must admit i may not say it in the nicest possible way as imo he should clean up in the first place.

Dh is complaining that i dont ask him nicely to clean his mess up if he hasnt done it, and i would get a much better response from him if i asked nicely instead of it turning into abit of a row.

I feel i shouldnt have to ask nicely if hes left things a mess when he knows hes to clean up after himself.

Who is bu?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 01/03/2015 15:01

You must have done it for him to get into the habit. I would simply stop doing it.

Original poster
CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 15:01

I cant just leave things a mess thats the problem

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 01/03/2015 15:02

I've got to the point that if my OH leaves things lying around they go in the bin. It started with little things, the more it happens, the value goes up... 'I don't know what's rubbish and what's not if it is just left lying around'

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 01/03/2015 15:03

I really don't know what the answer is to this.

On the one hand he shouldn't need you to remind him to clean up after himself. He's a grown man and you are not his mother.

On the other hand if it was me forgetting to do these things (I have a habit of leaving things out of the fridge) and DH spoke to me nastily about it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be ok with that either.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/03/2015 15:03

My DH is exactly the same and it drives me round the f'ing bend!!

I'm also not very nice to him when it comes to telling him to pick up after himself!!

DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 15:03

I agree - why should you even have to ask?

Mintyy · 01/03/2015 15:05

Well, for example, I never ever make the bed. I just see it as unnecessary. So if my dh asked me not in a nice way to make the bed every day I would probably bite back.

One or other of us cleans the kitchen surfaces once or twice a day. 6 x is fine if that's your standard, but I don't think you should automatically get cross if the person you share your home with doesn't have the same standards as you. It can get wearing.

lotsofcheese · 01/03/2015 15:05

Tell him he would get a nicer response from you if he did it in the first place without having to be asked, like a child

clickcrackclunk · 01/03/2015 15:06

If he agrees that it's something he should do (which it sounds like he does because he's not saying he shouldn't have to do it, just complaining about how you ask him) then he shouldn't expect you to ask him 'nicely'. It sounds like a way for him to push back and make you be the one in the wrong rather than him.

YADNBU for not asking him 'nicely' to do something you shouldn't have to be asking him to do at all.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 15:09

Hm I have this problem in reverse with my dh (ie he is tidy, I am a slob). IMO you need to agree together what state the house shd be in. Ie whether bath needs to be washed out everytime, beds made, how often surfaces are to be wiped (eg everyday or whenever there are crumbs). Then by all means have a go at him if he is not doing 50%of what is agreed. But I do think yabu to unilaterally impose rules and then tell him off for not sticking to them. And tbh if you care about mess and he doesn't then I reckon you've got to expect to do more.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/03/2015 15:10

If he's actually said that he'll clean up after himself if you aren't rude and scolding about it, give it a try. I have a feeling that he won't, no matter how gently you remind him, but I think it's probably fair to give him the benefit of the doubt in the first instance. Does he ever do anything off his own bat, rather than needing to be constantly "reminded" as if you were his mother or some kind of supervisor/manager?

clickcrackclunk · 01/03/2015 15:10

I don't have the same standards as the OP, bed doesn't always get made, the bath is not rinsed after a shower, but OP's DH should be having that conversation with her and coming to a compromise if necessary, not sulking that she's not asking him nicely.

TidyDancer · 01/03/2015 15:12

Your problem here is different standards. I'm more leaning towards your DH's way and my house is perfectly fine. You need to find some middle ground. Nagging or snarky comments are unnecessary.

cariadlet · 01/03/2015 15:13

I wish I knew the answer. I've got one the same - he made a piece of toast this morning and I came along and wiped the worktop cos he hadn't bothered getting out a plate and had left crumbs on it.

I resented his mum (who is a lovely woman) for years, because he lived at home until we bought a place together and as a result of her spoiling him he didn't even know how to work the washing machine.

It's tricky when you have different standards from each other. If I compare myself to my parents or my sister, then I'm lazy, messy and not in the least house proud. If I compare myself to my partner then I'm an obsessive compulsive cleaner.

It's not a case of him expecting me to do everything - more a case of him thinking I'm fussing over things that don't matter. I tend to pick my battles - clean up after him if it's quick and easy, and ask him to do something that he can't deny needs doing (eg if one of us cooks then the other one will do the washing up).
He still thinks I nag him all the time. Goodness knows what he'd think if I actually asked him to do something every time I thought that it needed doing.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 01/03/2015 15:13

I cant just leave things a mess thats the problem

Hmm but is that his problem? Like others have said, you have to agree to a standard of tidiness in order for him to be 'falling short', otherwise it's you being a tidy freak in his view, and him being quite happy with the house the way he leaves it.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/03/2015 15:16

I wrote a list for my DH this morning of all the things he is responsible for doing on every day that I'm at work Grin

There are 18 items on the list Grin

Original poster
CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 15:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2176239-Is-anyone-elses-husband-like-this

Here is a thread i started a while back about the difficulties im having with dh.

Dh says i know he will never just do it off his own back so there is no point in me getting annoyed with him and losing patience.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/03/2015 15:20

I've got to the point that if my OH leaves things lying around they go in the bin. It started with little things, the more it happens, the value goes up... 'I don't know what's rubbish and what's not if it is just left lying around

That is horrible behaviour. Assuming it is his home as well he is perfectly entitled to decide where to leave his own belongings.

Being that controlling about it could be construed as abusive

LineRunner · 01/03/2015 15:20

So he won't just do it, but doesn't like being told curtly to do it? I believe also that just asking didn't work.

He wants to be what, chatted up into doing it? Fuck that.

clickcrackclunk · 01/03/2015 15:25

OP - does your DH agree these things need to be done, but thinks you shouldn't expect him to do them (i.e. it's your job), or does he not think they need doing at all?

Original poster
CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 15:28

I ve just asked dh does he think its my job. He said no, he doesnt do it as he forgets to do it

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 01/03/2015 15:33

I really snapped at DH the other day and screamed at him that he should get the words "I forgot" tattooed across his f*ucking forehead to save himself the bother of having to answer me!! Grin

Koalafications · 01/03/2015 15:35

No, that would irritate me beyond measure. I cannot abide stuff being left around. I would simply throw it in the bin.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/03/2015 15:35

Collect all the crumbs - put them in his side of the bed.

Unless you make things uncomfortable for him, nothing will change.

Put all his rubbish in a black bin liner and put it outside.

littleleftie · 01/03/2015 15:38

Is this new behaviour or did you not live together or spend much time together before you married?

It's difficult if he can't be arsed but the mess drives you mad, it makes you pretty incompatible doesn't it?

I guess you have to look at the whole relationship and decide if this is something you can overlook because he makes up for it by being wonderful in other areas, or not?

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